how a groggy morning put me to thinking

beware! this entry is going to be random. it's all about scattered thoughts, when put together, form yours truly for this moment.

Hillsongs - Hear Our Praises

Honesty is the best policy

i got this belief from a classmate whom i really thank the Lord for. we've grown much closer this year, because i changed my seat, and i'm thankful for the positive things that have come out of this change, but yes i do miss jeremy.

hmmm.. there should be absolute truth between two friends, and when that is in place, it would naturally stand the test of time, and trials due to other external factors like rumours so long effort is taken to maintain the friendship like any other relationship.

i've started to put aside the politics. the attempted-but-failed-disgustingly phrasing of speaking nicely to her.
i've started to use simple words, put together to form the simplest of sentences. without the politics, and thinking too much about the consequences of just being truthful. besides, what bad could come out of being truthful?
there evidently has been improvement from the last breakdown of the friendship, and i'm looking forward to us becoming even closer friends.
will get down to more sharing and truth bearing when the time is right. but for now, hope she has a great time in thailand. i really enjoyed myself when i was there.
to my other friend, hope you're having a great time in KL. come back soon the 2 of you, i'm missing you, and will miss you too.

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2 Chronicles 7:11-18

if a man's faith lied within another man, then fear not with hope that it might work, but fear surely that it would fail. for the only One who doesn't fail is God.
this is not the verse.
i've not been speaking to Him for 2 weeks now, even though i went over to LE last week.
i've spoken to two brothers, and i've learnt new things once again. i thank Him for them.
i know i ain't getting no where with what needs to be done, -that being my studies for now- till i get back the peace (Phil 4:6-7) that i once had with Him because i was by His side.

i'm going to stop this straying, i feel like a stray dog really. having no one to go back to when the idleness sets in. having no aim, and having no purpose in passing the time like that.
i shared once again with a brother that the only thing i have which is really mine, is my time. and people love others, when they give them their time. i know this brother loves me, even though it was only a couple of minutes. thank you H even though i know you probably won't read this. =p

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parents are leaving for penang today, hope they get there safely and have a great time together. i seriously think they need this time alone. a break from the the never-ending housework, and the work stress, esp dad. sigh. if there's one man who suffers in silence cause of love, it's daddy. that's why i've chosen to take a new view of housework. it's my way of expressing my love for my family members. and i want to do it with a smile. i've learnt to say thank you generously, and i want to get down to telling them i love them whenever i have the chance to. i do.
shaun will be going over on sat evening, and dad coming back on sunday evening. but mom and S will be there till thurs. hope the church camp works out for the good of the glory of God. may they be blessed =)
Jie, i don't know if you read this, but i hope you're doing fine over in aus. i know the 11th's your paper, will be praying for you. and i want to tell you i love you too. it never was in me to do it, but i do.

-back 25mins later-

i just bought lunch for my mommy, wanton mee. hahahaha. with lotsa green chilli. i think i got my liking of green chilli from her.
just hanged the clothes too. interestingly this time round much faster than the last. maybe cause mom taught me the last time round the 'right' way of hanging clothes, and also this time round there were more bathing towels in the washload. they hang easily =)

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handi's coming back on the 3rd!!!!!!!
yay!!!!!
hahahaha
cat high guys out there who read this, let's get together on that evening yeah? it's a saturday. =)

out for now. i need to... hmmm.. i don't know. i'll talk to God when i'm alone at home later on when mom leaves for the airport. don't want any disruptions. for now, will go relax =) do math later on too.

You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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enjoyable day it has been, really it has

well, i woke up at 1130am, after a really good and long night's rest, of i think like 13/14 hours?

washed up, used the computer for a while, and then mom decided to spend the afternoon with me, to shop for my Polo Tees. we went for good curry noodles downtown, and proceeded to Robinsons.

bought 6 new tops.
4 Polo Ts.
2 Shirts.
and the nicest buy of the day, my new timberland moccasins! yay! hahaha, been wanting a pair for quite some time now cause i don't have a nice pair of footwear that is shoe-like but doesn't require socks. walked into timberland today, saw it, liked it, there was my size, and mom bought it for me. yay! =)

thanks mom!

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caught Troy. alone.
i'm getting quite used (although it's only the 2nd time) watching shows alone.
some say it's a sad thing having to watch shows alone, but i don't think so, and i don't really think what they think matters to me at this point of time.

i must say, it was a good show, although indeed, it wasn't much about war, it was more about sex between people who had i must say pretty nice bodies.
that wasn't my point. i liked the granduer of the scenes. yeah. give it a 3.5 upon 5. nothing more than that.

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i miss an activity, and the person who takes part in that activity with me.
i ain't kidding, and i ain't sure i'm supposed to be feeling this way.

well well, that's that for now, i shall not entertain it anymore.

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a friend brought up the phrase, 'love hate relationship'
i have quite a bit to say about this, but will update later. for now, i need my shower, and then i need to start studying. yeah i NEED to, and i do want to =)

reflective updates

30/31052004

the morning started off at LE, haven't been there in quite a while now, almost 3 weeks i believe. but i was thankful i was back there.
came home for an afternoon of relaxation, tv, computer, and a 2 hour nap.
arranged an impromptu meet up with A, but the time shifted from 630 to after-SMT-finals-finish. so we only met up at 8, and surprisingly , played all the way till past midnight.
when i walked out of classic, i was telling myself, 'gosh, it's monday morning'
i should really restrain myself on sundays, didn't feel good to be out till that late anyway.

01/02062004

the afternoon started with a bus ride down to theQshop, and i spent about 1.5hours there. was still looking for my cue case. i don't think i would pay 6plus for a buffalo instroke lah, unless someone willingly sponsors me, which i doubt. haha. hmmm.. and i'm still thinking about the 3K1. need to discuss with samuel more about it.

took a train down to tanah merah, and i was early. 440, assuming the time was 5 as initially planned.
yongching came, and we both waited. it turned out that they had changed the time to 630, woah! only victor, he and i were not informed, and surprisingly, the three of us were the 3 'legs' of the planned mahjong binge at matt's place.
along came nerox who was early too, and the 4 of us started playing. managed to complete 3/4 a full game, (3 winds), and then we broke up for dinner. the food was hmm... ok. i wasn't really there for the food, more of the company. i remember the difference in feelings when i attended the first class bbq at nerox's place. hahaha, the vast difference!
hmm.. victor talked to me over the bbq, and as i mentioned in the earlier entry, i'm glad we talked. =)

well, the night truly started at 9pm. muahahaha. *evil laughter*
we started, and we never stopped till 2 full games were over. zhao zhi, matt, alvin, victor, roger and i were at matt's place till 345. alvin and matt were sleeping. haha. and we enjoyed ourselves. it was really a binge, and i was really happy.

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need to start studying. will do so. adios.

nerve and health wrecking these late nights are getting

hmmm.. i got home at 4plus, which is like half an hour ago.
from matt's place. played lotsa mahjong, but more importantly, i had a good time with my classmates. ok, not all of them, not even a few of them, but one in particular, and i'm thankful for what he shared about. i too will cherish this friendship =)

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hmmm.. okok, i really need to go sleep now, if not i would just continue coughing away like it's the norm to, and never recover.
i promise myself i would put an entry up about a reflection about the past three days. i need to. yeah. get in touch.

does a new experience with the old make it new?

well, it was definitely refreshing to be able to play with someone who actually understands the game so much better.
it helped that she had her own equipment, and she's a better than average player.
serious about her game, not just some social player who plays to look cool.
i was quite turned off by the two girls i saw playing whilst waiting for my table. sigh, but then again, i don't know them, and i can't judge.

hmmm.. should be playing tonight again. hope i can play well tonight again.
the left portion of my face's hurting behind the eye, some muscle cramp of some sort. darn.. it's better after the nap, but it's still contributing to the headache.

torrential blessings. i cannot imagine what it would be like for Noah's generation who never saw rain, and were warned that a great flood would arise from 40days and nights of rain. hmmm.. logic sometimes gets in the way, but maybe it was meant to do so, so that His glory can be manifested.

another week of lectures, darn. hope i can settle down quickly to study.
i must!

agreeing to disagree

what a joke,

that i ate lunch and felt full for dinner.
that i made a decision to join my close friends for a movie, and feel guilty for it.
that i bothered to reply a message even amidst the discomfort.
that i force myself to believe i'm happy with the way things are, when i'm downcasted everytime i realise the seconds ticking by, add on to the time length that i don't know how you're doing.

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shrek 2 was good.
the company was good, thank you ladies.
the funny scenes were really good, thank God for laughter, and for the means that i could have watched it.
next few movies on the WANTED list:
1. Van Helsing
2. Troy
3. The day after tomorrow

gosh, the first two are like OLD!!!!! but i still have not caught them.. and i wonder why..

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thank You Lord for music, both christian and non-christian music.
the good oldies that sing of love,
the newer sappy ones like 'the reason' that sing of love too,
and the ones by your children singing about Your Love. =)

mom just bought me my new CD-Rs, good ones, cause i've learnt which ones to get, thankfully. hope they work even better with my player this time, not like the Sony ones. i mean, they're ok for normal CDs and for those who can't hear the difference in their music, but i can, and it matters to me. so i'm thankful. yes.
i've been listening to my music at 40% the volume. need to preserve my hearing.
i'm going deaf with my drumming according to some people, and some personal observation.

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if this portion speaks to you, please respond, either here or in your own updates.
you surprised me plesantly before, by replying to this question i once asked.
i ask it once again, in hope that you would respond.
do you still read these updates?

i learnt that something did happen, and things weren't right for you, no particular idea about what exactly though, that's why i tried calling to ask. didn't get through then, still haven't gotten through up till today. i don't want to force you to tell me your problems, neither do i want to force you to talk. i ask to know whether you're doing fine, but i realise that too ain't my right. you don't owe me the knowledge of your well-being. the choice is yours. i am upset about this friendship, or rather the lack of growth of it. if you're busy, i understand. but if you're telling me you wish to stop participating in this friendship, then please let me know.

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2 more days of school, and then the break. but since the first week's going to be back in school, make that another 10 days then. haha.
hmmm.. i have to report for TAF twice a week in the holidays at 7am. gosh. but oh well...
i cleared my NAPFA!!! hahaha yay!! praise the Lord =)
but i think i'll be retaking it in july again to do better.

pride comes before a fall, i understood that in the small lesson You taught to thwart my ego about my running. it ain't fantastic, no doubt it's better than average, or the expected, but it's still got room for improvment, and absolutely no room for such pride. thank you Lord.

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that's all folks for now, dinner, and tuts, and QT! yay!
**looking forward to joining izzy at LE again this week, finally get to go back there after 3 weeks of unexpected plans, and duties back at KPC.

my imagination runs, wild maybe for that matter, but it's got no right to in the first place.
i can't help that it hurts, when you act the way you do.
it's you being you, and that's why i accept it.
in a friend's words, doing something right doesn't mean you have to feel good about it.
it's this case. you see, the right thing to do, would be to accept, leave you alone, and just step aside, in hope that i could inch closer if circumstances allow it in future. yeah, that's what i try to do, but whether i feel good about it, is another thing.

it hurts, it really does.
panadol, ponstan, and painkillers, can put me to sleep, but why do i need sleep when the pain's only painful when i'm awake?

bridges are built to bridge gaps, as words are spoken to bring points across

although i'm still on MC officially today, and i ain't feeling exactly fine, i'm really glad i made the decision to go down to school today, and get my blazer for the choir concert.

i was happy to be of help to the choir, i did it for my friends, and because duty called, but nevertheless, the smiles made it all worth while.

after the concert, was the most enjoyable part of my evening. it was a short time as compared to the long day i had, but nevertheless, it was the most cherished moment of the day. =)
a flash, smiles, and a moment captured in time.
thank you.
it was my pleasure to carry your stuff for you in view that you were all dolled up, hope the persistence the second time i offered didn't turn you off.

it's been another day i must thank the Lord for, for all that has happened, and all that hasn't.

to you, yes you, goodnight and sweet dreams =)

night people

asking need not always end with recieving

ask and you shall recieve.
no, i asked, thrice (up till date lah), and i never did recieve, not that receiving in this context is of much relevance.

ok, i'm misquoting the Word, but yeah, it's for comic relief. spare me the preaching about it if you're thinking of lecturing me on this yeah?

i'm listening to 92.4FM nice music lah. soft and quiet.
hmmm.. had dinner with a friend near my place today. was quite surprised actually. didn't really plan for it, she just happened to be in the area, that's why.

my knees have been re-busted, and my nafa's like next tuesday. i'm so dead. =\ hope the weekend would allow me to rest it.

another day

haha, there's a song by Lene Marlin with this title, but no, i'm not going to type out the lyrics, and neither was i thinking about this song.

it's another morning, one that i woke up to.
it's another blessing, a manifestation of His grace,
that i should recieve another 24hours worth of sunshine, fresh air, love, friendship,
alongside the same 24hours worth of stress, fatigue, anger, tension, and unpleasantries,
but one compliments the other,
for what would the day be without the night?
or darkness without the presence of His light?

thank you Lord for the week being what it has been =)

haircut appointment with Fiona
pool
movie with lump (maybe we'll be spotted together by norman and he'll start screaming) hahaha
and dinner with a few people whom i cherish (don't know who'll be there though; the queen's going, piglet's mother's bday though, lump's going, don't know about the rest)

just had a good breakfast with my brother. =)

that's all for now.

what really matters

the people/things that can get you the most worked up, upset, or emotionally charged up, are those you hold closest to your heart.

the value you place upon these people/things, is what makes them who they are to you. so don't be upset that you're angry with someone or be unhappy as a result of someone being unwell. read between, and beyond the lines. it shows that you truly care for them, and that they do actually mean quite a bit to you.

it was a case of miscommunication, and a friend heard wrongly, but i ain't going to deny that it did affect me as a whole.

haha, i failed my 2BL5 assessment test, but what i learnt after that made the failure seem miniscule. hahaha.. =) yay!

i'm on to a section of the night i'm happy about, talking to Him, after which i would do my tuts. have all 3 subs to do, but i'm putting physics last today. hahahah =p

short and sweet, that's what i hope this entry would be.

i'm talking to Him again, and i'm really happy about it! =)
i've started writing again, not coming up with fantastic poems and what not, but just writing to myself in my journal. the pen and paper style you know? =)
i'm running lots, but i'm happy. hope to do well for NAFA, and need to lose more weight.
tired, but will keep going.
need to take my vitamins and supplements regularly man.
have been practising on my piano, glad i'm doing so.

night earth

saying sorry when you have to makes it all better. learn to throw your pride away, and things get settled easier, because then you're slow to anger, quick to listen, and willing to accept other viewpoints.

the last time i said sorry, was about 2 hours ago to my dad. this apology wasn't an easy way out to just escape the threats, and to ease this tension at the moment. it was made after thought. i know i was in the wrong, and i wanted to do something about it.
i've been selfish, no doubt about it.
i also said sorry to Him today, and i had a good part of the day in LE today.
i'm thinking, and i'm asking for directions.

here's the plan for certain things for now:
1. i'll do my QT everyday, starting at about 930 give and take. i've not been close to Him, that's probably why everything's out of order. it's chaotic.
2. 4 times practise on the piano at least weekly, 25-30mins per session. need to stop wasting money going for lessons and not practising.
3. will help out with the clothes on fri, sat and sunday evenings. this is the minimum. yeap.

i understand how love for your family can drive you to do things for them, even though it's contrary to what's been agreed upon, even when your well-being's being infringed upon. i didn't learn that through first hand experience, i learnt it through the tears my dad shed.

so many things i must admit, that need to be done, but seriously, i don't think any of them are as important as the few that really do matter.
i need to start talking to Him again, spending time in this relationship can only be right.
i need to start loving again, not myself, but others.
i need to get my work back into a disciplined routine.

i guess with this 3things in place, the other parts of my life would more or less fall into place. friends are included in that 2nd point. =) and the people i love more so too.

dinner, and then on to the part of the evening, which i'm looking forward to. time to go at my tuts, and spending time with Him. =)

lots to say, more to hear, and even more to think about.

i have always believed that most knowledge is gained from reading. that was what drove me to start reading when i was young. i ain't as much into reading as my sister is, i think she's the benchmark. and i ain't kidding about her being good in english.

i've read some stuff, and it's invoked feelings in me i can't describe.
i've listened to some music, which has caused me to feel quite sappy, and sad.
i've gone through my day's worth of activities, and with today's, i feel _______. i don't have a word for it, i'm sorry. i played pool, it was good. i watched a show, it was enjoyable. i don't want to rate the movie, but i do know that i felt good spending that time. i'm reminded that the only thing i really own, is my time. maybe it's cause i ain't giving enough time to my family, that's why they hate me, and that's why they're treating me this way. i've always thought that i've been blessed with a good family, i still think so, but i'm starting to think maybe it would be better off without me. i'm not suggesting i run away, and no, i'm not being pessimistic, or cynical for that matter. it's just that i've seen that i'm a blot on a white sheet, and it would be more beautiful without me. call it running away? i don't know, it's up to you if you want to judge.
i wrote stuff today, and it's got me thinking. i hope i'll write more.

i'm tired, i'm very tired.
night earth.

Hoobastank - The reason (the whole album's quite good for those of you who like the likes of simple plan, POD, and the other punk rock bands lah. but that particular song's really nice.)
Book i'm on: (2 actually; 1. Confucious Jade, 2. An artist's potrait, as an old man)

i intend to read this evening, and the only thing that would disrupt this, is the phone. i might talk to some people, but if otherwise, don't think i would communicate with others online, or pretty much do anything else. should i take coffee?

yay, tomorrow's a public holiday, which means, i get to sleep late. something i have not done in a really long long long long time. it's not about the number of hours i sleep, it's just not having to wake up to a disgustingly early morning.

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The Reason

i'm not a perfect person,
there's many things i wished i didn't do.
but i continue learning,
i never meant to do those things to you,
and so i have to say before i go,
that i just want you to know,

i found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be,
a reason to start over new,
and that reason is you.

i'm sorry that i hurt you,
it's something i must live with everyday.
and all the pain i put you through,
i wished i could take it all away,
and be the one who catches all your tears,
that's why i need you to hear,

i found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be,
a reason to start over new,
and the reason is you...

and the reason is you,
and the reason is you,
and the reason is you..

i'm not a perfect person,
i never meant to do those things to you,
and so i have to say before i go,
that i just want you to know.
i found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be, a reason to start over new,
and that reason is you.
i found a reason to show,
a side of me you didn't know,
a reason for all that i do,
and the reason is you.

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Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own and I am never broken
We are never broken
We are god's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are god's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are god's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are god's hands
We are god's hands

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this two songs are the ones i really like now, don't ask me why only now that i like 'hands' i just like the lyrics. no need to report a reason huh. =)
i'm going to shower now, i badly need it, and i'll settle into a comfortable reading position on my bed, one that wouldn't harm my eyes any further, and no i don't read lying down. =p
talk to you later if i do, whoever you may be.
i'm hoping, but yeah, hope's what gets life going when the going gets to life.
night earth.

i'm lost, but i ain't so sure i want to find out where i'm supposed to be headed.

i'm lost with regards to why i do what i do anymore, especially in the activities that once meant so much to me. i think they still do mean quite a bit to me, but i question why no longer as much. maybe i should just stop questioning.

friends are probably the best things that have happened to me, and at times like these, i don't know why i no longer want to talk about anything to anyone anymore. for now, i'm contended with typing this crap out here, listening to slower but nice music, get a good shower, and then hide under my quilt to 'sleep'.

is it my refuge? why have i been reduced to such waste? well, taking into consideration that i was never much of an accomplishment to be proud of to begin, who am i to complain.. maybe i'll talk less, much much less, and run more, much much more.

smile, i wish i could do that to you, whoever 'you' may be. it's hard, but it's not impossible. it's not.
i know things, yet there's much more i don't.

and yes, i do still love.
night.

did you know that 'i' has 32meanings? or rather, that letter alone represents 32 things. check it out at www.dictionary.com
hahaha. hmmm.. i was walking a 20min walk into CDC before my bike prac, and i was talking to Him. i'm thankful i did. i cleared some stuff out of my head, and i'm glad i know where i stand now, where i have to go.

laters people.

ps: ly, this wasn't the latest entry i was referring to. haha. hope you have fun in church.

i won't say i'm elated, but i must say that i'm happy you've made up your mind. at least now you know you're on one side of the fence and not the other. be glad you're no longer sitting on the fence, that hurts.
whatever the consequences might be, be mindful that you have to live with it now. don't fret though, because the future's unknown, and there's still hope!

it may seem bleak from here, it happens from time to time, even though you've made your decision now.
it's like preparing for your latest big exam, which was the Os. hahaha, you slogged so hard for it, and on the afternoon that you take your last paper, your journey home seems weird. it feels as though you're missing something, but you soon realise the meaning of that feeling. be happy about it, and start to smile, it does more than make you feel better at that moment in time.

your friends are there for you, and if i'm included in that circle of people, then yes, i'm there for you too. i want to be, and i'm waiting for the second green light you could consider giving. do you remember the first? haha. =)
i'm pondering on the issue of being frank with you, but i'm reminded that some things need not to be said. in her words, you probably already know, but it's not the right time to talk about it now, so i'll leave it as that for now. let me know in your own ways when you're good to talk, and i'll be more than glad to share with you what i would like to tell you. =)

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i'm in the midst of constructing my study schedule. hahaha, yes, i'm pretty revved up about my studies now, esp since i've not done my tutorials properly up till this point in the week.
i hope to get back on track, i hope for alot of things, but it would be nothing more than hope if i don't do anything about it.

i'm going for my bike prac now, 2BL4. hahaha, 4 more lessons before i can register for my test date. cleared my theory section already, now need to book a date for my RTT, hope i can clear that too.
alright now, take care all on this warm wednesday afternoon.

the world of opposites

in someone's words, the people who smile the most in the day are those who cry the hardest at night.

if i was given a choice, i think i would rather smile in the day and cry at night. at least then i know that in the course of the day, i brought joy to some with the smile i wore. it's fine with me that i cry at night, cause it would be to myself and Him, and the best part, He won't forsake me.
thanks for the sound advice you gave with regards to my mother, very simple, but very true. haha, leave her alone, angry/pissed/agitated mothers are individuals who see no other logic but theirs at that moment, so yeah, just stay clear.

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i'm glad we're talking, i really am.
"maybe the next lunch we have wouldn't be that awkward anymore" quipped someone, and i couldn't help but smile at that hope.
it's amazing how hope gets you through life.
at the end of the day, should this friendship fall away with time, i would still thank you for having been part of a friendship that i once experienced hope, because it would have helped make me who i would be then.

night earth

acceptance makes it all easier

to tell you i accept all that's happening, i would be lying.
to tell you i want no more or less than what's going on in my life, i wouldn't be truthful.

let me know how i can go about telling you the truth, and then maybe we'll make something beautiful work out of this.

a need and a want

what i want, may not be what i need.
that's something i've been told ever since i starting wanting things, those that my parents thought i didn't need.

being who i want to be.
being who i need to be.
i'm having a hard time choosing even though it's only two choices i have.

i value my friendships, and they need time, but because of my 'high strung jc life' as my mom puts it, the things i value in life are no longer getting their fair share of time.
i'm definitely the weakest at home nowadays. i sleep the most, yet i'm always the most tired. i'm always having a weak stomach nowadays, and in the past 4 months, i've fallen sick more than all three of them add up together. that's quite disgusting. hmmm, i don't know if there's anything i can do about it.
i leave for school when the sky's dark, i return when the sky's darker.
i stay in school to finish up my tutorials, and although i'm at pace with the current syllabus, i haven't even started studying, and i'm already so pressed for time.
someone commented that she thinks i'm someone who doesn't prioritise these things like friendships above my studies and work, and i felt ironic.
i felt that i know deep down within me, i did and still do value them, but yeah, i can't act out what i feel, simply because i'm who i am in the many areas i'm invovled in like school and church.
if you're feeling lost reading this entry halfway, don't fret, i'm feeling lost writing it too. there's no particular point i'm trying to make today.
i failed my last gp essay again, i'm getting quite sick of it.
i'm getting sick of failing all my tests, and that's precisely why i'm going to get up at 530am tomorrow morning to do my math revision and practise before leaving for church at 730am. then i'll come back in the afternoon to go at my math again.
i'm sick of having people look at me or rather at the badge i wear and smirk away.
i'm sick of falling below expectations, that's why i chose to volunteer myself for CTC, and especially as the logistic officer in the comm, even though i have no inkling as to what's needed of logistics.

i ain't hiding that i'm a troubled youth nowadays.

i want to continue to lose weight so i can get out of taf, and remain healthy, but i don't even have time anymore to go for my daily runs.
i must admit that taf has helped me gain much of my stamina back, i clocked 10m32s for my 2.4km run on monday morning, but yeah, it's irritating having to report for your own health don't you think? that's why i'm going to push myself harder, further, and to a point that i collaspe if need be, so long i can prove it to myself, no one else but myself.
i'm back on Hydroxicut, and thanks to a promotion, i got a good deal for 280pills. hope the longer period of consumption would have better effects with the extra work i'm going to make my body do.

tomorrow's going to be a good day in church, and i thank Him for that.
it's going to be a day where i ask Him to show me what i should do, and i ask of obedience to follow suit.

night earth.

happy moments in life

sometimes, when the going gets tough, or it's been really dry, someone just comes along, maybe talks to you for just a short while, and it all seems much better, because you're happy =)

yes i am happy tonight, i ain't going to hide it.

thanks for talking to me, i liked it alot. =)

** the clearest way you show someone you love them, is when you give them your time, because that's what you really own at the end of the day. your life ain't yours, it's His, so yeah, whilst you're here, you've probably got your own time as yours, truly yours. so be wise with your time, and tell people you love them when you do =)

good night earth =)

The act or process of gradually declining or diminishing

ever wondered why you stopped drinking milk as a kid? and went on to solid food? or even better, why your mother stopped breast feeding you? (putting the bio aside) and moved you on to milk powder?

you grow stronger as you wane yourself off the things you need. as a young infant, you needed milk, and look at the hell a kid can give you when he's not given his fair share of milk? wouldn't you agree that you needed it quite badly then?
move on to the time you started eating from a plate/bowl of your own? where your parents would dish you a small portion of whatever solid food they ate like chicken rice? or some veg?
apart from the literal intake of sustenance, ask yourself what else happened?
you grew to be a stronger being wouldn't you say so?

in that light, maybe i should wane myself off the things i hold dear to my heart, the things i 'need' per se, like my friends? the time spent on the phone with my close friends? the time i give to myself? the space given to me?
it might make me a stronger person, but it would definitely be painful and lonely. it's a chance i'm taking against a known fact. and we wonder why we take risk huh.. haha.

i don't know, you guys tell me, i'll let you all decide.
maybe i'll regress into the life of an old grumpy hermit, a curmudgeon.

how lessons are learnt

only the hard way.
face it, we don't learn unless we go through it ourselves, and prove the theories right, that we gain our experience, and that we can proclaim we have learnt.
if you're not doing something because someone told you it's wrong, and therefore you don't get hurt, burnt or gain something out of that matter, then you cannot say you've learnt your lesson, because you never went through it.

we all know as head knowledge that words can hurt, especially when you don't think about what you say. and the meaning of that is never real untill someone hurts you with what they say. a simple act of loving kindness never seems warm untill it's done unto you by someone you don't know, someone who loves you for the very basic humanitarian reason of being a fellow human being.

our parents tell you that dating young has no good to it, cause you would probably not work out, you would make stupid decisions, and you would end up hurt.
if you're one of those who've chose not to date because of what your parents tell you, good for you that you've listened to them. no questions. just a nod of approval that you obey them.
for those of you who've tried, and if what your parents have said came true, then good for you that what they said came true. it makes them even more credible as parents right? but you see guys and girls, you have experience to fall back upon, and the next relationship you step into, whether it works out or otherwise, you would see that you indeed have grown, (i seriously pray you have!) especially in your mental capacity of handling certain issues. what seemed like a dream in that last relationship would seem more real now since you're older, and you're even closer to the harsh realities of life. take marriage for example. when you're 16, it seems so far away, but when you're 26, it's a different story isn't it? that's what i call growth.

learn your lessons well, don't waste your time trying to unlearn them. there's no way to do that. and last but not least, be thankful for those lessons learnt. they all contribute to making you who you are.

thank you.

night earth

reflections on a choice

do you ever reflect about some choices you make?
don't be too quick to answer, because more often than not, i guess our answer that we give ain't the truth.
like it or not, i don't know for everyone, but i know that i do think about the choices i make. i would always go 'what if.... ', get the picture? and that's why i meant by reflecting on my choices. it doesn't have to be a session in which i sit myself in a dark corner of your room, in silence and solitude and think and cry about it. it only has to be the very thought of the decision. whether you made the choice in the first place, whether you made the choice you really wanted? etc?

the most ambiguous choice i made for myself recently is getting at me. i didn't include certain details, and it's left me some loopholes. and trust me, i don't know what to do about these faults in my supposed fool-proof decision/arguement for myself.
i said that things would remain status quo, and it meant the common understanding that we had as friends, but i didn't spell out to you or myself whether i was going to shut it out from within. i didn't make the decision a few weeks back then, and i ain't so sure as yet whether i wish to make it now.
i'm still pondering about whether it's worth the time, and it's still a positive answer. not 'it' as in the friendship per se in particular, but i guess every aspect of it? it's you. you as a figment of memory even if for a while, you as someone seen along the corridors, you as a fellow being existent in yourself. yeap.
trust me when i say i'm happy because you say you are. i really am =)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

just got back from LE. God spoke to me, in a very new way i guess. Pastor Rony was speaking of His book, but he crafted the service's message in a way that spoke very much to me. it was about leadership, and something that he said made my thoughts stop straying and wondering.

'the higher you climb, the more lonely you get, and that's the toughest price you pay in leadership. but for a leader who's got God, it's a different ball game altogether. it's about learning to appreciate being in solitude with God, when you realise that high up there, everything else fades but God. so the more lonely you become, the more real God's presence becomes."

it wasn't said in those exact words, but that's the gist of it.
that's probably why i don't make friends easily anymore, and maybe it's an answer to why the friendship i hope to have with you ain't going the way i would have wished it went? not that i was ever an amiable person to begin with, but i'm working at it. i am. trying, tough!
i'm glad for my friends. i really am. i'm not only glad, i'm thankful.

i still seek Your peace Lord.

it's a day that would be jam packed with work! fast and furious i must go! but i'll rest first. my mini 'quest' of work starts at 130pm!
take care all for now.

*i hope i get to go to the supermarket today after dinner

choices

why i chose

i chose because i had the choice.
i acknowledge,
that i was made in the very essence of choice;
the choice He made,
the one to love me.
i was,
and still am given choice,
and i exercise it with frivolity,
but i yearn,
for the discernment,
that i may choose in accordance to will.

-----------------------------------------------------------

i'm in school, and i'm here because i chose to come.
i told some that i might not come today, because i was feeling crappy.
i don't deny the presence of melancholy or depression, but i ain't going to let it overwhelm me, not for today at least, since it's my longest day in school, and also because i need to be at my best whilst i'm in school.

i've learnt in the midst of thinking that the things in your life which you have a say in, those that you can make a choice in, are those that matter most to you.

the tutors you get who teach you don't matter as much as the subjects that you choose to study.

the presence of evanglism doesn't matter at all till you choose to listen to any of it.

the friends, and people you hold close to your heart matter because you chose to allow them to be close to your heart.

those who walk around in school or in town, they may even rub shoulders with you, step on your toes, but they don't matter do they? since you chose to not let it affect you for a long time.

choose wisely is what many people would tell you from their own experiences, but when the wisdom of the world will be put to shame by the foolishness of God, what hope is there in thinking that i might be able to make a 'wise' choice then?

Lord, help me choose, not wisely, but let me then exercise the choice that you've freely given in line with what you wish of me.

as promised

He is faithful to those who are faithful to Him.
All good things come from Him.

i just came home from calvary AOG church.
small family church, but as i mentioned to someone else earlier on, nevertheless a church of God.
warmth available from a family church never gives way for the top class performance of a mega church in the likes of CHC, NCC, FCBC etc..

i was talking to Constance throughout most of the play, and i shared with her what really was bugging me.
helped move furniture from 2nd floor of the church to the 3rd after the play for an hour, and i'm glad i did. i helped with a willing heart =)
managed to talk to her after that.
we talked things out, and i'm really thankful!
a weight's lifted off, and i've learn things tonight. will continue learning, but do teach me yeah?

good night earth.
**one of those nights, i put a 'good' there. =)

-just showered-

the wind blows strongly in the estate, i expect downpour later on.
hope it comes either after or before i make my way to calvary AOG.

contact lenses feel good. haven't worn them in two days now. maybe it's cause my eyes got the rest they needed.
i'm wondering whether i should pool after the play. it will be late, but not that i really care.

haha, will make another entry later on when i get back.

learn with me

i ain't no prince of royal blood,
i ain't no successor to the throne.
but don't discount this friendship we have,
for it's even more precious to me than silver or gold.

i don't ask that you be my friend if you don't want to.
i'm asking that you befriend me for me.
please i ask, learn to love me for me,
learn with me, to accept me, for it's something i still have not grasp.

--------------------------------------------------

Good Friday wasn't so good afterall. although i got to watch a pleasant show with nice company, and a good dinner with people whom i'm thankful for. i dread having to wake up early in the morning for school.. sigh.

night earth.

good morning to Good Friday

'Bette Midler - From a distance' in the background

good morning to all of you out there. =)

i had a good night's rest, and it was only cause i worked out well last night. but here's the update of the injury list.
-left wrist is still hurting
-injured my left small finger, kinda sprained it
-and my calves are aching, although they're much better from yesterday's cramps
-headache's gone, thankfully, but my head is still throbbing with thoughts

----------------------------------------------------------

there's only a certain amount to which you can shut things out. that limit varies from individual to individual. and i know my threshold ain't high.
it doesn't take much of a big problem with regards to something i hold close to my heart to make me disarrayed, to make me feel i have to do things to keep my mind off thinking of the problem.
it is worse when thinking does nothing to help because things need to be done, but it takes two to clap, and if i keep trying whilst the other person just doens't want to do something, i'm swatting air, and that equates to nothing.

the goodness of Good Friday can't be marred with trivial problems as such. trivial, nah, not to me.
when the things you deem most worth your time, those that keep you going even when the going gets tough, start to crumble before you, i believe you would start panicking. and even if it's your graduation day, your wedding, or a special day to that extent, you would be affected right? well, that pretty much explains my stand now.

i'm still pondering about sat.
maybe i shouldn't think so much, it would help sometimes?

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good music gets me feeling better on the move especially when i waste 25mins on each trip to and fro school when i can get there in 15-20mins on private transport, that's why i'm so looking forward to clearing my QRL test, then i'll start biking around. yay!
but not to digress, here's what i think good music is.

Norah Jones - Come away with me
Planet Shakers - Rain Down
Maroon 5 - Songs about Jane
Vertical Horizon - Everything you want
Diana Krall - The girl in the other room

this are albums, not just single tracks. i basically listen to christian, jazz, and good alternative music now. and if i've got a radio, it's 92.4Fm. music, i'm thankful for it.

a tribute to Phil 4: 6-7

i seek the peace i once had,
the peace that once lived within me.
it pulsated along with my heart beat,
and if felt warm to just know of it's presence.

i seek the peace i once had,
in the innate knowledge that black could never be white.
it was something inside me then,
but it's lost, and i'm seeking it.

help me Lord to find thy peace once again,
in which i can consult your wisdom from time to time.
let me rest in thy presence once again,
help me find that peace that i may seek no more.

ramblings about many issues: don't be surprised if you're lost halfway

just had dinner with my family =)
ate the same thing i had for dinner last night, but if i love it, who cares? hahaha

convo over the food was interesting.
church politics, family ties, and behavioural matters were discussed, but thankfully nothing too heavy that i couldn't ingest my food.
i learnt that my dad survives on one meal a day. dinner. i'm seriously wondering how he goes about doing that. is it true that the older you grow the less you need?

--------------------------------------------

i seriously think i need to learn to actively exercise restraint.
i'm passionate about the things i love, and like for that matter, and i'm telling you, friendships are one thing that i'm quite mad about =)
i ain't kidding, and i thank God for my friends.
but i think i've more or less learnt that friendships need time like everything else, and although some may spark off to great friendships in the shortest time possible, i have understood that one doens't represent all. i may be really excited about getting to know someone much better, thus i'm highly enthusiastic about communication, but i guess if it's not reciprocative in nature, then it turns that person away.

i've learnt this not once, but 1.5 times. haha, if you're wondering, come ask me about it, i should tell you if i know you well enough.

i had enough of my current emotional state, and i'm sick of it! yes i am! i yearn for what i used to have, the peace (Phil 4: 6-7) that i used to have when i was disciplined to study the Word, and to talk to Him everyday. i'm going back to it, and yes, i miss the instantaneity of whether certain issues were worth the mentioning, or whether i had the right to make some right decisions. they often involve making decisions of feelings towards friends, and how i should handle diplomatic issues, but i miss them.

-----------------------------------

enough of play for at least the near future. i need to stomp out my 'life'.
it's time to plunge into the books. the grades are disgusting. O F F.
hmmm.. yeah, and if you're going 'tsk tsk' since i'm the p, i'm telling you, i've went 'tsk tsk' at myself more than you can imagine. that's why i didn't particularly enjoy this weekend that was supposedly set aside for 'relaxation and rejuvenation.
it's ok, cause i've got some nice ups to ease out the downs that the weekend has brought about.
------------------------------------

Holy Week
something i've never really observed, but it would be a new experience this week. i want to go through it =)
let me know if i can pray for you. let me be a soul who can speak to God on your behalf simply because He's happy when we as His children talk to Him. don't deprive yourself of that simple pleasure, and let's enjoy it together if we can find the right time and place to pray together =)

------------------------------------

things to look forward to this week:
1. tues bike practical - 200mins of solid biking, cause i booked two lessons in a row! hahahaha
2. Seow's birthday - a brother i still thank the Lord for very much, although we haven't been speaking.
3. the short days of the school week, esp the friday.
4. the observation of Holy Week, which would include a study of the material i recieved today from church
5. Good Friday Story play down in a church somewhere along upper east coast road. i still can't recall the name of that church, must!
6. good music, mocha milk, and good time spent with friends as and when i interact with them, by His grace!

shower time again! (did i mention i like showering?)
tut time.
night earth.

little things that mean lots

when i got that sms from angelina, i was elated. it was during econs lecture, and to see her name appear on my cellular once again, i felt warm all over. i miss her lots.
she's gone back to indo, but she'll be back again soon, hope we do get to go out and catch up..
--------------------------------------------
when that call got through, and though it was a brief 10-15mins we spoke, i'm glad i got to speak to her.

-------------------------------------------

looking forward to go for the classical piano concert in july (imagine watching a 92yr old play the piano with all that experience), and the nearer one would be the good friday play. hmmm.. seriously, i haven't really been to any play of this sort, only acted in one, the one that KPC put up in our church, about 3-4years ago?

hahaha, those were the days, when we were all younger. i wonder how my stage crew mates are all doing now. how those dance girls are doing now. come to think of it, one of them's my neighbour, 4blocks away, i wonder how she's doing.

-------------------------------------------

it's been a really pleasant day.
played pool with a new friend.
had a good dinner with my brother.
watched 'Love Actually'.
talked to nice people.
drank chocolate milk.
and smiled throughout most of the day.

night earth =)

without my wrists, lots i can't do!

hey hey clare! you're not the only one who's disappointed about not being able to go watch the team go play HCJC.
if not for the CIP thingy, i would go, but yeah, circumstances don't allow it, so oh well. hahaha
i need sleep, i need water, and i need rejuvenation!
hahaha

night earth

random thoughts, a result of my surroundings there and then

the apathetic

i have a sigh of relief,
i start to breathe once again.
my sense of touch is awakened to the sensations again,
those once felt when i had more sense in my head.
The spinal nerves have not broken down,
it's just that i choose to ignore the screams the signals are transmitting.
the wrist is swollen,
but the heart in it's hope is wilted.
logic in the mind seems something to look forward to,
but it is still another subject of time.

------------------------------------------

as mentioned in my last entry, i'm a friend. it won't be easy, in fact i think it's the hardest thing to be to anyone, but i guess that's why i take up this challenge to myself willingly, because it's a selfless decision. it's not about me, it's about you.

to the people who are friends to me:
you all have been great! i'm not kidding! =)
wJ (the queen!; Her Royal Highness!!! =p), lump (my scandalous gf and princess), izzy (piglet), Cy, jHan, Handi, Yy, ange, chun, aloy and hailing, jerome, christina (my scandalous darling), val tock (my beautiful, sexy, adorable, lovely, and superb sis), i salute you people!

i know i don't talk to you all most of the time, not all the time anyway. i can't. i have 24 hours like you all do, but please do not understate the value of your name appearing here. it's with true respect and appreciation that i type your names out =) (sounds like a memorial wall)
i'm thankful for the times that i do talk to you all! let's not let them go like that.
i'm going to tag less emotions -at least the negative ones- to my entries. i want you people who read to know that i'm happy thinking the way and amount i think. i'm happy the way i'm writing, and i'm happy being happy for you all =)

take care all for now

a friend is what i've decided to be. to you if you choose to let me, and i ain't going to be disappointed if you choose not to.

where are the people when you want them to be around?? tsktsk
sometimes knowledge is a dangerous thing, and no i don't wish to be ignorant, but yeah, sometimes, just sometimes, i wished i didn't know some things. hahahaha
don't get me wrong, i ain't upset, i'm happy in fact =)

i'm not going to sch tomorrow. the queen of the Tan's residence has declared tomorrow an off day, in view that my hand's swollen. she's bringing me to the sinseh tomorrow. my mommy! =)

i did pen some stuff down in the day, will update it later on. need to make a phone call now.

night earth

early night, early morning, long day

it's 924pm, i'm going to bed at 930.
need to wake up at 5am to study physics.
test on tues.

attristé -> saddened

night earth.

directions

we all need directions, in life, for movement, and as guidelines when we make our decisions.

i'm picking up many directional words when i speak to you, and that's creating quite a problem, because it's not clear. it's ambiguous, or maybe cause i don't dare to decide what it actually means. i'm afraid i'm reading too much into it.

"bye" could mean many things to me, it could mean, "let's talk again soon", "i enjoyed today" or even "thank you", but i guess to you it's just 'go away'.

i was thinking of writing much more, but i don't feel like it at the moment.

----------------------------------------------------------

i had the inkling to get drunk, but i failed to do so, because i realised that i don't have much liquor at home, and cause i don't want to screw up my weekend. i need it for studying. phy and math papers have been postponed to tues and wed respectively.
i'm drumming tomorrow, maybe i'll drum it all out.
i need to do some evaluating.
i need to do some thinking,
and i need to do some prioritiy shifting.

learning new things everyday

*norah jones in the background*

taking these memories with you, lock those feelings tightly in your memory bank, and be assured that these are the things that are going to spur you on to greater heights, to bigger success, and many other good things.

i've learnt once again, how PR does help in many ways.
i'm not surprised now (worried though), with people telling me that i'm intimidating, in the light of the feedback that i recieved, or rather, didn't recieve. haha.

i'm not a joke, i don't think life's a joke, but i certainly don't like the feeling of being able to realise how stupid i've been.
how being lackadiasical about it in the past could cause the success to be only at this level and not greater.
how being non-caring about welfare can lead to the lack of affirmation.
how being unloving and curt can lead to i being abhorred by some.

i have to start treating the majority of the people in my life the way i'm treating the minority at the moment.
maybe that's something i could work on now since it's over. a new resolution. are we tossing ideas here?

don't feel like saying anymore. i'm happy for those who are happy for obvious reasons, but i'm happy for those who are sad, simply because i know them.

learning new things everyday

energised with euphoria

energiser! NEVER SAY DIE!

is that how the slogan goes? or is that the one for Duracel?

hmmm.. i am happy with the fact that O's going the way it is. He's been VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY merciful! especially with the weather, and bold of me, but i ask but one more day of it from you? pretty pretty please? at least for the evening? cause since W&W has wet weather plans!!!!

ending with a bang! (it's still is an ideal, we'll see about it)

------------------------------------------------------------------

i've been strong, or at least acting to be, and maybe that's where i found the energy to blast out at the problems that surfaced especially from the leaders.
no, i'm not saying i've been personal about it, but yes, don't try to convince me that the things within you aren't interlinked. they affect your mood, energy level, and well-being. all of it, not just sections of it, cause it's never segmented in the first place.

if happiness is a result of love that fuels a passion, that in turn charges up foolhardiness, then was loving ever meant to start?

talk to me, don't tell me stuff. let it be a two way thing.
i am falling apart, i don't deny it, but i pray it doesn't come too soon, and not at the wrong time.

night earth.

a week of challenges ahead!

hahaha, i'm laughing! =)

you know why? cause i choose to! yeap yeap! =) hahahahahahaha

hmmm.. it's going to be a new experience for many people this week, but more so for my family i guess. we're going to ADAPT! =) yeah. hahaha, without domestic help. seriously, i'm looking forward to it. maybe the result will be that i would make a good house husband like my dad is now? i really admire him for that, amongst the many other reaons why i love and respect my daddy! =) hahahaha
hey hey you all out there, be good, be true, and be yourselves! =)

confused

i am. don't doubt it. i'm telling you i am, so don't think otherwise.

sometimes, when you're wondering, the best thing to do is to ask.

i am glad you're back, i'm glad i got to msg you, i'm glad i even got to hear your voice, not once, but twice. thank you.
i think i should learn to be happy with the small mercies i recieve.

i wonder whether you read this, but no, i ain't going to ask you directly. how ironic huh. hmm.. if you want to be nice, let me know you do read?
*crosses fingers*
surprise me pleasantly. that's something i realised i've been hoping for more than once from you.

i popped 3 panadol pills. hope they help me sleep better. the only reason why i ain't in bed yet's cause i don't have the alhena and regulus breakdown of deployment, which is due tonight. hmmm.. tsk tsk.. what can i say? sigh...
goodnight to the world..

say things, when you want to.

my first rock concert, or i would rather say, my first concert.
my first time jumping about like that, without composure, and my not-so-first time worshipping Him in such a loud manner. but i don't care, cause i know it all happened only because He allowed it to.

i'm tempted to rip that album now, but i ain't so sure it's available, and i also ain't so sure i would really allow myself to do that. i might just go get the CD. hahaha, buy it, not rip it. hahaha, i've been such a pirate, but i don't care =p

------------------------

"the last thing we need is to fight amongst ourselves, especially at this point in time.."
something i blasted at someone yesterday in view of the crap that's been happening at home. hmmm... quoted from a friend, the worse kind of problems are those that invovle the family, not as support, but the core of the problem.

------------------------

thank you cy for the night out, it was nice to be happy with you, and i'll still be praying for you that He giveth unto you whatever you need, be it healing, love, and His blessings. =)

-----------------------

for those of you who missed the concert, you missed the hottest show in town, you missed out on the greatest party in the nation, and you weren't part of the execution of a great plan. BUT! fear not, because everything will come into the picture someday so long it's in His will, and i am sure all you people are in His mind. wait patiently, and make good use of the time till He decides to use you. =)
till then, that's all folks..

a pleasant surprise just before my nap, no wonder i slept well.. =)

haha, no wj, i didn't drool like you said i would if i slept with a smile on my face, but yeah, i'm pretty sure i slept with a smile. whether it was a smile that was literally on my face, or a smile that i had within me, that part's inconsequential to me. =)

i guess i wasn't disappointed in the last 12 hours and more since she didn't reply, because i never expected her to, but because it wasn't on my mind, it came across as something that really surprised me, and it was a truly pleasant one at that. thank you =)

don't know what this spells, and i don't want to read too deep into it for now, because i believe much has to be learnt, but yes, i know it would come with time.

some say that with luddism, comes about greater appreciation of simple day-to-day actions like smiles, hugs and kisses, but well, maybe it's the case for people who take all these for granted. In my case, where only technology makes communication over the great distance possible, i've learnt today a new lesson about certain things, smiles especially, and some things that we take for granted.

i thank Him, and i thank you for teaching me those things today. i am happy today, i really am. thank you.

the will i can exercise after falling..

as i have said to some of my friends before, love is a will. it's something i still believe in, but from the time i was first convicted of this till now, i've learnt some lessons in between, that were more or less ideas relating to this concept.

although it's wrong to be unequally yolked, i now feel it's ok to like someone who's a non-believer.
it's as simple as that, but it does have underlying meanings, that i choose not to bend at any cost, after lessons learnt the hard way.
i may like someone who's not a Christian, but no, i will not bring myself to be with her, cause i know that there will be an end to it, something which i believe the right relationship doesn't have. that stoppage, that end. you understand me?

i may fall for the wrong person, but after i fall, i can pick myself up, and tell myself to stop liking that person, because the mind in which reason rules the body, it reigns over feelings, if i will myself to do so. quoted from a friend, "although many a time people say they can't help liking that person, i don't think it's what you feel about the person, it's what you do after you know what you feel for that person"
why hurt someone and yourself by embarking on something that you know won't work out? it's not worth getting into a relationship which you can see an end to.

well, not that i would make a perfect boyfriend to my girlfriend in future, but i know somethings.
1. i know i would make you angry at times
2. i know i would disappoint you with who i am many a time
3. i can guarantee you, that both of us would feel like just throwing in the towel when things are down
4. i can't bring you the moon, the stars, even your favourite ice cream, or the CD album you want so desperately sometimes due to my human/technological/monetary limitations

but 5. i know that i would be truthful to you, will myself to love you with all i can give, and have the comfort in my heart knowing that i have the Lord's blessings in making that decision to do so. With the hope that i would one day love you selflessly, that's what i would work towards for you. =)

wallow in self pity i shall not

i'm going to start studying now!!!
just had a nap, it felt good. i shall start on econs now, since i have 4 'extra' days for physics, and my physics stuff is with kash. darn. not blaming her though. hmmm.. burnt a new cd, with a nice array of songs, maybe you'll get to listen to it. i don't know how in the world though. =p
hahaha, take care people. =)

1.24pm

ok, apparently the morning's not been productive at all!
i haven't studied, and i have a new agenda which includes settling MJNostalgia, a new wet weather program that we came up with, but mainly thanks to wensi for her wonderful idea!

THANK YOU WEN SI! (although i know you probably won't read this)

hmm... i ain't going to feel constrained to pen what i used to pen here simply because people read it, although i would appreciated it truly if you could keep what you read here to yourself, or at most between you and i if you really want to tease me about it.

laters people. =)

Diana Ross - If we hold on together

-------------------

that song brings some faces into my mind, at least the moments that i captured those images in my mind, they were pleasant.
i won't say i'm not responsible for having made some people in my life cry, neither would i deny that some of them have made me cry too.
crying's not represented by tears to me, although that's controversial to the definition in the dictionary.
crying to me's what i would do when i am helpless about some issues, and joyous to the extent in other times that i have no words.

-------------------

Trust is the unjustified exhuberance of comfort from within you towards me, knowing that it would stay this way, so long you and i remain truthful to each other.

-------------------

There is a difference between eye candy, -that makes you smile when you see them, cause at least you acknowledge that there are good looking people out there-, and the people whom you smile at at the slightest thought of them, simply because you know they are worth knowing, worth the effort when you do nice things for them, and worth the 3secs that they pop into your head for, because it never fails to bring a smile unto your face from within.
i don't think you're eye candy.

hmm.. take care people. it's a week of mugging, and preparaing for the final lap of orientation.
breakfast the first on the list! then physics and econs!! =)

Cause i'm leaving on a jetplane

Flying for many has always been a luxury, and i'm thankful for the times i've flown first class, only by His grace.
my hope that they all arrive safely, and that no bad thing happen to them whilst they're there, may Him be with them.
something i wrote for someone, no prizes for guessing.

--------------------------

please go with peace,
but do come back soon.
Play till your heart's content,
do still remember the good times back here.
Love and cherish all you bring there,
come back with new knowledge,
and always be thankful for all you experience there.

---------------------------

"i'm cautious with my words"
i guess i said that cause i didn't know how otherwise to relpy to your question. don't think you would be reading this, but if you do, try to remember what i requested from you? =) thank you

---------------------

no i'm not home, i'm in the school library, and it's my 4.5hour break, cause i have recess, double chinese (of which i no longer take), and then the common lunch that lasts two hours because the muslim guys have to go pray. have TAF later on though.
-need to put on my lenses before i go for TAF-
i'm tired, i shall take a nap now i think.
laters.

Rescue

When the skies are gery and the situation seems ominous,
stretch forth and give me a hand.
a pull towards you, or a simple nudge by the side should do,
don't desert me.

When the lake's undisturbed, the white caps of the mountains still,
when the grass don't sway,
relish the serenity with me,
don't feel awkward with the silence, and know that we're next to each other.

When you're experiencing unadulterated euphoria, and the world is of no concern to you,
i request not to be the cause of this joy,
i ask not, even to share of it,
but all i ask of you, that you would know i'm happy for you.

the graph of life's sino-cosine in nature,
but unlike the everchanging values of life,
friends are the axis's upon which this curve's drawn,
a constant that doesn't change with the variables of life,
something that goes on into eternity,
and hopefully it means something to you.
that's what i hope to be for you in your life.

a friend. you're appreciated. =)

-----------------------------------
For the three of you in my life: wJ, Cy, and D

let it speak to you in the way it does.
don't read too deeply into the words, take it as it comes. =)
no doubt friendships that pass the test of time are truly valuable, i don't discount my friendships that i hold close to my heart, even though it may be a new one.
i hold you people close to my heart.

this is something i wrote over a period of 4days,
it was an on and off thing, but yeah, it was drafted because i realised how much some people meant to me. friends to be exact.
i may not be good with my words, but at least i try to tell you what i feel.
i believe in saying things when i mean them, when i want to.
Thank Yous, words of appreciation, and actions of love shouldn't be withheld if anything else should be. this is for you people out there.

Heart of Gold


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

Surprise me.

plesantly of course, since i'm already expecting not to see you in school today. maybe i'll see you around a bend? or in the canteen? maybe, maybe. but i hope you're recovering well.

have a good day you all out there.

Gareth Gates - Say it isn't so


Skies are dark it's time for rain
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears you hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow

How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore

Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so

Ten to five atleast we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you

How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on

Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again

---------------------------------------

this is posted with some in mind. if it speaks to you, let it. =)

oh, for those of you who still don't know, the O level results will be out on friday, and the A level ones will be out one week later. all the best to everyone recieving their results.

i'm hungry, when you had watermelon and water for dinner, maybe you would be too. but it ain't of concern to me.
i'm wondering what's it like to be dead. will i meet 5 people? 50people? or will i meet God?

good night.

i'm tired. i am. some say i sound tired, others say i look tired, and many ask if i'm alright. i'm not ok, i'm tired.

i draw on His strength, and i know i'll pull thru with it, but what i'm afraid of is that i'll stop one day, stop in my tracks, stop dead, and yeah, drop.

a few people want to meet up, namely cynthia and ms yeo, over what i have no idea. i tried asking someone out, but yeah, but that person isn't available on sat.

i tried, i'm tired, and yeah, if you're asking, i'm still roy.

was back home early at 6pm.

got some council stuff to do today, hope i can churn out the list by 9pm. then i can start on my tutorials. will practise my piano too.

i owe Mr Kuan my vectors 2 assigment, and Complex numbers assignment 1. hahaha, but i will hand them up tomorrow as i promised. =)

i'm starting to appreciate the lecture-tutorial system for what it's really worth.
lecture and lecturers -
you don't get to choose your lecturer, but they rotate!with this, at least everyone gets the same lecturers for that chapter, and you're not stuck with one teacher (be it a fantastic one or otherwise) like that in sec sch. count your blessings people!
tutorials and tutors -
well, you don't get to choose them either, and you're pretty much stuck with them, but i'm thankful for mine. it takes a calling to teach, so my advise to you people out there although i don't have qualifications as a teacher to say this, but i speak as a student. when you become a teacher because you're bonded with the government, and you don't enjoy it, it wears you down. it gets to you, and you get to your students.

i will talk to Him later, and i'm so thankful i spoke to some today, although i would have wished circumstances would have allowed us to talk longer.
will complete my tutorials and assignments later on too.
and i did something for a council friend today. =)

two essays due each week for Mdm Rohayati, first topic on the list is Money & Prices. thankful she's so willing to help me! =)

hope i can come back online later on. papa's sending me to sch tomorrow again. yay!
that's all for now people. ciao.

Phil 4:6-7

ok, it's been quite some time now, but yeah, i've been busy.

i've learnt to feel what it means to see others break down, namely my dearest darling christina, (my really dear council mate lah, she's got her boyfriend, so don't go thinking rubbish yeah? hahah) and the council on the whole too, with the bonding session we had on sat. it was a good time of soul baring to each other, and i'm thankful i saw the less sacarstic, the more emotional side of ms yong.

i must admit, i ain't really close to her, or as close as i've been to ms ee when she was still the council 1st TA, but yeah, things change, and we have to learn to adapt.

i'm learning new things each day, about others, and about myself too.
i lost 1.5kg as registered on the sch weighing machine, and i'm about another 1.5kg from getting out of taf i believe.

i like that short period of waiting. it's hard for me to speak into someone's face, but i'm learning, and i was comfortable doing so just now, speaking to you. thank you. =)

i) i will talk to God EVERYDAY
ii) i will do my tutorials EVERYDAY
iii) i will do AT LEAST one thing for the betterment of my council each day, and pray He guide me to lead them the way He wants me to.

those are my 3 pebbles. they're blue, nice colour, and they're on my desk.
i got my table planner, will go fill it in later if i've got the time.
that's all for today. goodnight people.

Ms yeo gave me a precious moments bookmark, and it says 'high hopes', she told me not to give up.

wj: thanks for listening to all the crap i told you. and apologies for wasting your time.

to the human race (the degenerating portion of it): where are we headed? are you guys going to hell? i'll see you, from above, heaven that is, if a definition of heaven's a vector of which direction matters, cause i'll be UP there, and you'll be DOWN there.

good night all.

what good does it do when i study for my tests, and end up failing all my A level subs? i'm so screwed. i'm so lost, and i'm so tired.
Ms Yeo commented that i'm giving too much of myself to the school, and i guess she implied that if this goes on, i'm going to screw myself up. you know what shocks me? what shocked me is that a teacher said that. i ain't going to deny that sometimes council does get in the way of my personal life which includes studies. it's tiring. yes it is. some things i guess i now regret saying, some jobs i regret undertaking.

may be flying to melbourne with my sister this weekend to help her with her lugguage, it's still a maybe-thingy, not confirmed.

goodnight you all people out there.

*does anyone die of caffeine overdose? cause i think i'm going to soon if it works that way. not that i'm going to cut down on my coffee intake or my supplements for that matter.

hmmm.. is it depression i'm falling into?

i don't understand how the cheerful day of messaging a new friend could turn around so much, when i just suddenly felt the way i did at 6plus on the way home, because of somethings that have happened.

let's get some facts straight
- 40% overweight
- eating much less
- up-ing my exercise, and still going at it, because of taf
- not fit
- not happy with a number of things, yet i'm really glad some things have taken place
- disappointed in a friend who doesn't bother doing anything after i thought maybe there was hope of salvaging the friendship
- glad i've made a new friend, maybe this time friendship would be one of the better ones like some that God has already blessed me with? =)

so many things in this world tell me that i can do without others, and maybe even without love. i know that's not true, not only cause of the way i am, but also God didn't create me to be alone. even being in His company and love, is itself not being alone, or without love.
yet with opening up to friends, and caring, comes so much hurt?
i know i ain't exactly some guy who makes girls turn heads cause of my looks, but i'm myself, and i can't help it if you can't accept me, just stop making me hate myself would you? i feel like crying, i seriously do. i haven't done so in a while, and i'm tired of not crying, of showing that i'm strong when i've got my weaknesses too. why the post president? why the terms 'boss' and 'lao ban'? why the high expectations? why is it the people closest to my heart are the ones who hurt me the most?

i won't tell you i'm going to jump off, although i'm pretty sure with my grossly overweight physique i would sustain some injuries at the very least. i won't tell you i'm going to die from an overdose of anything cause all the medicine i have at home's pretty mild, and a stomach pump would take care of it. but i would tell you i'm dying inside, and yes, i am. friendship week, talenttime, orientation, rally and elections, investiture, and a levels, prom night, ns, work, maybe the church bells, and then the coffin. a hymn or two would be nice, and then i'm going back to where i was supposed to go all this while. is it coming anytime soon?

ok, i will take dinner tonight, cause i need to stay up late.
i'm not hungry, but i'm eating cause many people have asked me to do so.
could someone tell me what's wrong with not eating? besides, i've got one big belly of fats to draw from. =p

---------------------------------------------------------------

haha, i will take two meals a day from now. i'll either eat during recess, or during my lunch break, and dinner at home. if not my mother would come down on me about this. =yes, i want to lose weight, and some of you might think i'm killing myself, but i don't think so. i think i'm saving myself, weird it may seem, but i don't think i'm doing anything bad lah. =)

----------------------------------------------------------------

godma: i just wanna tell you i love you. *huggie*, although i know you don't read this, i want to thank God for you, and i think i'm the luckiest god-son alive. =)
godpa: not forgetting you too. =) hahaha, love you lots, and i miss going out with you, although it can't really be helped that you're so busy with rehearsals and me with my studies and school and council etc. let's go out for lunch someday after church? =)

---------------------------------------------------------------

for those of you who are wondering, my godpa and godma ain't a married couple. =p hahahaha. =)
hmmm.. but yeah, that's about how much i have to say for now. take care all.

hey hey everyone! hahaha, it's nearly 1 in the morning, and i've got 2 tests later on, math and physics.

i just finished studying, thus i feel happy! yay! and the best part is, i did my QT! hehehe, spoke to Him, and i know He was there listening to me. i'm waiting for His advice on certain things, but i know it all works out in His time.

i'm human too, thus i need sleep, and truly, how fragile the human body is, and yet we think we are superb in comparison to everything else. sigh, how often we forget that comparison is only possible with a reference point? if you're comparing yourself to animals who don't even have wills, of course you seem a supernatural being, but try bench-marking yourself against Him, and you would be greatly humbled. i choose not to be conceited, so i opted for the latter. i hope you all would do so too one day, but in His time.

All things work for the good of the glory of God, so worry not for tomorrow, for today has it worries enough for it's own.

good night all =)

i'm in the school library. hmmm.. it's wednesday afternoon, and i'm still in school. this is bad, cause i don't think i'm supposed to doing this in front of all my juniors. hahaha, this is crap. but who cares? =p

i think i should stop here. haha, enjoy the day of what's left of it you all people out there. =)

Mood: mildly disappointed
Music: Coldplay - In my place

-tempted to eat magnum ice-cream, but don't want to put basketball just now to waste, shall resist-

the world is changing, indeed it is.
the only constant thing is change.
maybe my friends are moving on, and they're changing, and i'm changing. let's hope things don't move too quickly, at least give me some time to adapt, since the change is inevitable.
i don't know what i should feel with knowledge of this.

let's see what's changed in the past week:
1. i go to school myself now instead of being fetched
2. i'm switching back to my normal sleeping times of 12-530. i think i get more work done, although at a slower pace
3. i'm messaging alot more, but talking much less on my cellular.
4. i enjoy the journey to school nowadays, but not the stay within the compound, if not for a few people who make my day because they exist. thank you all.
5. i may have more or less found out where i'm headed with regard to peace, but the anxiety within me because of what i desire and request of God, is not making me feel very peaceful, and thus joy is not attained from within, and happiness not from my surroundings.

death is indeed the solution to many others, who don't realise the severity of taking life, since it's sacred value is only given or taken by Him. i will not entertain such thoughts, and such stupidity.

good night all.

James 1:22
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what is says.

James 3:16-18
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

------------------------------------------------

i struggled whether to go the whole day, and i learnt once again, that when something must be addressed, don't run away from it, it doesn't help solve it.
i'm thankful for speaking to some people in the course of the day, and if it be in God's will, i hope i talk to them again soon.

for now, i need to sleep, because i'm tired. good night everyone.

i think it's childish, how your dislikes about my studying patterns is worth losing your temper over.

i think it's childish on your part to think that not sending me to school would make me flinch or apologise for that matter.

i think there's no ground for you being displeased at my current studying and relaxing habbits since there has been no assessment on my grades thus far, and i've been practising on the piano.

finally, i think i think too much.

"we tend to look at all things but ourselves. myself"

Point Of Grace - Jesus will still be there

things change, plans fail
you look for love on a grander scale
storms rise, hopes fail
and you place your bets on another day

when the going gets tough,
when the ride's too rough
when you're just not sure enough

Chorus:
Jesus will still be there,
His love will never change,
sure as a steady rain,
Jesus will still be there,
When no one else is true,
He'll still be loving you.

when it looks like you've lost it all
when you haven't got a prayer,
Jesus will still be there

Time flies, hearts turn
a little wiser from lessons learnt
tongues tied, weakness wins,
and you lose your foothold once again,

when the going gets tough,
when the ride's too rough
when you're just not sure enough


Chorus x2 (second time climb one key)

-----------------------------------------------

Phil 4:6-7
Ms Yeo was really nice today, came up to me and told me to check out this verse, exactly the one i had been looking for all these while.
thank you Ms Yeo.

haha, wj, i can't imagine how it feels like to feel les when you look at her, but i sure am enjoying it as a male. hahaha, she's really so sweet, and nice to me too. muahahaha, jealous? =p

hmmm.. my back's hurting, and so are some other parts of my body, but i hope it goes away with the rest i hope to get tonight.
Lord, thank you for bringing me through the day! =)
will talk to you at 430am in the morning later.

'in every human being there is a wish to ameliorate his own condition' --> at least most people do, whether i do, i don't know, i'll find out, when i've got the time.

i never want to play the games that people want to play
i never want to hear the things you've got to say
i found everything i need
i never wanted anymore than i can see
i only want you to believe

Chorus:
if it's wrong to tell the truth,
what am i supposed to do?
all i want to do is speak my mind
if it's wrong to do what's right
i'm prepared to testify
if loving you with all my heart's a crime
then i'm guilty

i want to give you all the things you never had
don't try to tell me how he treats you isn't right
i need you back in my life
i never wanted to be just the other guy
i never want to leave alive

Chorus

girl i follow my heart
follow the truth
right from the start
you led me to you
please don't leave me this way
i'm guilty and all i have to say

Chorus

-------------------------------------

some of you might know this song, and from the lyrics, there ain't no prizes for guessing, but yeah, at least they can sing in tune.

hahaha and yes wj, i know you think they're beng. =p

hmmm.. music and songs, mean quite a bit when the thoughts that the composers and authors have manage to get through to those who bother to listen. the word's listen, not hear.

no doubt God gave us a mouth for speech, but i feel some should learn to appreciate the nice contours of lips, when they're together, also meaning when the mouth is shut.

much to look forward to tonight, since there's going to be good food. thankful for the short day in school, and no i wasn't pissed. i just ain't comfortable talking to some people anymore. don't ask me why, i ain't knowing myself.

maybe i would be inured to this world someday, after prolonged subjection to it, by choice or otherwise.. hmm...

i wonder.. and i wonder more..

but who cares when i've got peace? =)

by the way, vrede's peace in Dutch.

de vrede is met u --> all you out there, it's my wish especially for the people i hold close to my heart, that you find your own peace.

goodnight Lord, goodnight mommy, daddy, jiejie, shaun, wj, christine, isabel, fun, sam, jeremy, handi, glenn, yy, jr, and all you out there. good night earth, hope you recover from this mess we're making you into.

econs test tomorrow morning before recess. hmmm.. on inflation. studying for it now, but burning a CD for shaun, will commence once the CD's done.
tutorials to do, math file to tidy before submitting on friday, and council meeting for orientation tomorrow.
looks like a lot to do for this week, and so will the many weeks that follow ahead till my A's are over. haha, what a sad life i lead huh.. well, till then, i'm glad i've got God, and certain people in my life to help me through all this.

thank God for sakae sushi, and the ice cream. hahaha PE tomorrow should clear those off. hmmm.. bought a kettle and instant beverage for the council room, hope they enjoy it. well, i have to go now. ciao.

what i've just watched: The Last Samurai. i rate it 8.5/10
for those out there who need something good to watch, go catch it. it brought to me more than just entertainment and a mystified feeling about the Samurai. no, i ain't going to aspire to be a samurai, cause firstly, i don't think fat samurais exist, and secondly, i ain't japanese.

but rather, the show reminded me, that when something has to be addressed, no matter what you do, be it drown yourself in alcohol, in your work, or occupy yourself in so many other ways but that particular one of trying to resolve the issue, you're going to feel, look, and live like crap.

----------------------------

i chose to believe, that yes, men was made in God's image. and because of that, we would always seek for something to worship. it happened with the stone age men, when they sought the sun and other gods to worship. it happens with pagen faith believers like buddhist, taoist, and whatever-i-didn't-mention. do you see monkeys gathering with joss sticks praying to the gods of nature?

what am i saying? well, that i've experienced what it feels like to be in God's presence, walking in His ways, walking right with Him. well, i have. i ain't saying i still am.
and that's the problem, cause i'm getting this constant bugging from what i would call the Holy Spirit, and i'm thankful for it. unlike Pharoh, my heart hasn't hardened -i think-, and at least i know where i want to go.

what i want for now: peace

peace with God
peace with my family
peace with friends (people i hold close to my heart)
peace with school (teachers and school mates; people who are invovled with me only via school relationships)
peace with myself

the list would go on, but let's start with the basics.
i ask not of happiness, wealth, health, or even wisdom from the Lord, for what good would all those be if i am not at peace in His presence?

----------------------------

it's the 3rd day of CNY, and i'm eating a plain dinner at home. new experience, but i thank God for the food.
may blog a little more later on.

This is probably the start of something new like those that i've started before.

It's my recording of what i feel as and when i like it, and when the circumstances permit it that i get to use this keyboard, because i won't be using Grafitti to record this events i pen down.

I'm in school now, it's a thursday evening, and i'm just half done with copying my physics holiday assignment. yes even though i'm the president of the student's council, i'm copying homework. i ain't about to do something stupid like confessing that i've not done my homework and get shot down for it. i feel it's the best option i have for now.

Today's PCCG period was an interesting session where Ms Lai, actually marketed the council well, i'm thankful she did that. i know my council has worked hard for the past month at least, and i think that praise and claps were due, although they weren't really enthusiastic. i'm going to speak tomorrow to Ms Lai about the 'council calender' since it was Ms Yong's idea that it would be a good time to catch Ms Lai over dinner since it would be casual. i'm thankful i got hold of the physics assignments i copied from.

Fun mama came back to school today, and she gave me a gift, thanks so much for it fun! i do miss her, i confess it.

things have unfolded in the past few days, and yes, only time is capable of knowing how great love CAN be, if nurtured properly, with the right intentions. so many things are running through my head now, and those things that many people have said to me are coming back slowly now, but surely. i will do my bible study tonight, i'm looking forward to it as a matter of fact. i'll stop here for now, and maybe i d make my way home thinking about some things, or i might just go with the flow, and be absorbed into my surrondings. take care all you people out there.

don't ask me why i changed the outlook of this blog to something like that, it's not meant to be holy.

it's my life, and it is affected by what i believe in, that happening to be God, and His works.
that is my favourite verse, as it reminds me what i should do, because i have a debt i will never clear, and i'm but a mere sinner.

it saddens me, some of these things that have happened in the past 2weeks. some new things i've learnt. but there have been ups too, cause i did spend time with my family.

school starts in 2 days. new year comes in less than 24hours. and i've still got all my work untouched. hmmm.. will complete econs today since it's the least, and easiest too i believe.

well, to you all people out there, blessed new year.
and for those i do know as friends, it's my wish that the next year for our friendships would be more exciting if not as great as it has been. thank you all, wj, fun, chrislump, piglet, val, rome, and sam, yeah, if you do read this, i do hope we go spend more time together like we used to. (not necessarily playing pool right? hahaha, i'm thinking of cutting down on it this year)

loving you all.

it's been so long.

do i owe this to anyone? nope. =)

do i want to do it? i guess so, that's why you're reading this now.

am i compromising myself? maybe i am, with all these underlying peer pressure, but then again, i've always thought i was the one who exerted peer pressure rather than be influenced by it.

i'm thinking. about sec2 basketball camp. it's been so long, but i still remember the night i messaged so much, and one particular message, but then again, i don't think it's remembered by the other person.

i'm tired, i'm going to sleep. it's 4 in the morning.