hmmm.. is it depression i'm falling into?
i don't understand how the cheerful day of messaging a new friend could turn around so much, when i just suddenly felt the way i did at 6plus on the way home, because of somethings that have happened.
let's get some facts straight
- 40% overweight
- eating much less
- up-ing my exercise, and still going at it, because of taf
- not fit
- not happy with a number of things, yet i'm really glad some things have taken place
- disappointed in a friend who doesn't bother doing anything after i thought maybe there was hope of salvaging the friendship
- glad i've made a new friend, maybe this time friendship would be one of the better ones like some that God has already blessed me with? =)
so many things in this world tell me that i can do without others, and maybe even without love. i know that's not true, not only cause of the way i am, but also God didn't create me to be alone. even being in His company and love, is itself not being alone, or without love.
yet with opening up to friends, and caring, comes so much hurt?
i know i ain't exactly some guy who makes girls turn heads cause of my looks, but i'm myself, and i can't help it if you can't accept me, just stop making me hate myself would you? i feel like crying, i seriously do. i haven't done so in a while, and i'm tired of not crying, of showing that i'm strong when i've got my weaknesses too. why the post president? why the terms 'boss' and 'lao ban'? why the high expectations? why is it the people closest to my heart are the ones who hurt me the most?
i won't tell you i'm going to jump off, although i'm pretty sure with my grossly overweight physique i would sustain some injuries at the very least. i won't tell you i'm going to die from an overdose of anything cause all the medicine i have at home's pretty mild, and a stomach pump would take care of it. but i would tell you i'm dying inside, and yes, i am. friendship week, talenttime, orientation, rally and elections, investiture, and a levels, prom night, ns, work, maybe the church bells, and then the coffin. a hymn or two would be nice, and then i'm going back to where i was supposed to go all this while. is it coming anytime soon?
