8th jan 2005, 1130am.
another day to look forward to. haha, enlistment. came earlier than i expected, but i know it works out in this way for a reason. =)

this is how i spent my day:

piano in the morning.
bought bass guitar strings for my brother.
went out for lunch with mom at amoy street, lor mee, yum!
went to Gentlemen's Quarters, got my suit done.
repaired my oakleys, new mechanism in the stem springs, more comfortable now.
came home for dinner with family. =)

well, that's all i've done thus far for the day. doesn't sound like i've got my A levels in two weeks huh. haha
well, i do!
and that's why i'm getting down to work now.

i'm still dazed by that crescent on your face.

if i could walk away from it all,

i would walk,

towards you.

i sigh with a smile.
looking into those windows,
i see eyes apart from his.
i see more than one being when i see him trot down the maroon carpet towards the stage.
learning to be content with the now of things,
that's why the smile accompanies the sigh.

help me Lord.

ain't he cute?
immortalized in writing, fossilized in pictures.

well, i was 12 hours late. for my run that is.
instead of running at 6am in the morning, i decided to give it a miss cause my body was tired from last night's exercise. woke up for piano, turned out to be a misunderstanding, and i wasted the trip down to bras basah.
ended up eating breakfast with shaun, and accompanied him for his haircut.

came home, and started work slow.. tsk tsk. but at least i completed 1 econs p1, and 60-70% of a math p1. hope to complete it and another one if possible so that i can go for consultation tomorrow.

dinner is to be served shortly, ok. i'm kidding. hahaha, don't know what time we'll eat, but i'm sure we will. hahaha.
i'm dead broke.
yes. d.e.a.d b-r-o-k-e.

well well, tempers boiling.. hmmm.. i wonder why. hope they ease out soon man.. relax brother and sister! hahaha

no, it's not myself, or my family for that matter, thankfully. it's just some of my friends.

well, it's been a really plesant weekend thus far, and i think it's ended on a nice tone, having spent it with my family for dinner, and grocery shopping.
we bought the usual stuff, and i stocked up on some food that i could use for lunch at home now that i no longer have to go to school.
the best part of it, we bought ice cream! hahaha
haagen dasz, tiramisu, and one more flavour, can't remember what it is. gosh, my memory is getting bad.

well, i'm getting up at 630 tomorrow to run with shaun, hope it gets me started feeling fresh in the morning =)

good night earth.

we're celebrating roger's birthday today =)

haha, going for my haircut before that though, and we're meeting for pool at parkway at 430.

hmmm.. it's full swing more than before after today.. all the best to me man..

to tell you i'm joyous leaving college, i would be lying outright.
i am sad about it, and i'm already missing it.
i do love meridian.
i do love meridians.

yes, indeed, we are born of a vision to be the best..

*your smile is the key to my locked up heart

it's been a while now.. well, that's that. a screwed up day, and nothing's really going to change that. i'm really tired though.

------------------------

darn, i don't want to go for lessons tomorrow, but i have to. last lessons of my jc life anyway. haha.
need to pass someone something anyway, and also it's one my second last official day being in school. it... gets my emotions welled up. i can't say i would cry, but i know i've given up a part of me to the school. willingly.
it'll never change that i was part of the pioneer batch, it would never change that i was who i have been in the school as a student, friend, and senior.

well, it's time to say goodbye i guess. and it's saddening, but i smile knowing that it was once there. thank you all for having made my stay in meridian the way it was.

---------------------------

lyrics to a song,
i could type for all to see.
but the tones and feelings of an instrumental,
you have to hear for yourself.

the unspoken words,
there probably aren't any anyway.
but figments of imagination,
and hope are the narcotics i turn to.
to get me past my darkness moments,
of the cold fact of unfufilled dreams that would remain that way.

you want to be happy,
i want you to be happy.
but i don't dare to make any promises,
cause i ain't sure whether i could make you smile.
i sure do know what your smile is like,
but i guess i have to content that i'm not the reason of it,
at this point in time,
and almost surely never.

would you ever care to turn the key you hold to this lock?

today's been a productive day in school, but i don't wanna remain on this 'high'.. i want to go higher! hahaha, in mrs crossley's words, i should get so high, that i don't feel tired anymore =)

GP lecture was really intellectual today, esp mrs logan, and it was fun on the whole. well, my 1st and last GP lecture. hahaha.

i'm tired, so i'm going to bed early tonight. =)

*your smile makes me smile

i know God loves me, i'm not so sure you do.

alright, it's an unmatured, childish thought i'm entertaining. you have to love me, at the very least, that's what you've said and shown all these years.

well, i'm more concerned about being stumbled. and i don't want war.
if my absence is the price tag of peace, i'll pick up the tab this time round.

longer nights in school, it'll be like the good old days, when i was still in council. hmm.. but for different purpose this time round i think.

23 days to my a levels.

be with me God. please.

2 weeks ago, an issue surfaced and i was ready to address it, but it was pushed away cause some other things cropped up. well, it's back, and i want to settle it today.

hope i get to talk to my mom later on. well, it's dinner for now. laters people.

*the way your pale beautiful face oscillates from side to side in quick succession, as a negative response to my question is still vivid in my head as though you're just seated right there next to me..

do you how much of a distraction you are? =)

just finished memoirs of a geisha. like all 'romance' movies and books, that feeling's back, but oh well. it's not the cause of why i'm feeling like that. that's secondary.

---------------------

don't wanna think about it all.

maybe i'll wander in the desert for 10, 20 years before finding out where i'm supposed to go. well, i don't want that to happen. =(

disappointments are part and parcel of life, and i just... oh well.. hmmm.. nevermind.

i have to get this cause and effect thing outta my head. it's childish, and it's so near-sighted. i have to learn to look at the bigger picture of things happening around me.

well, i have people to look up to at least. uncle mengkim, wah kor, and others i believe. but oh well, looking at them ain't tantamount to my life falling in their footsteps, although i could try to emulate parts of their lives here and there.

oh well, dinner is going to be one of good f0od, crabs at kallang airport food centre.
till laters..

ever went through a split second for which you think it's really dumb to be thinking of something, but the very next moment you realise that you're actually the one entertaining that very same 'childish' thought?

November Rain

oldie to me, although i ain't that young, and they ain't that old.
well, had dinner with godma, teowhin and joyce, had a nice evening.

england's playing, but i don't feel like watching.
i'm tired, i'm going to bed.

i finished TDB, moving on to My Utmost for His Highest. hope it's sufficient material for input.

i'm disappointed that it's the second week in a row i failed trying, but oh well, it happens for a reason, and i guess i'm to be blamed. no qualms.

night earth

hey hey people back home, i'm updating my posts from heaven. it's great up here. i get to talk to God and listen to the angels, the computers here are really much better than the ones back at home.. and the best part, we never feel tired up here... etc etc..

----------------------------

hmmm... ok, i'm day dreaming. but i really wonder what it's like up there, and i hope i go to God in my sleep.

well, i played pool for 3 solid hours yesterday, may have been slightly longer, but that's it for pool for now, at least till the A levels. - have to find other ways to destress from now till the A's are over; probably movies and books.

as a result, my right knee was hurting like mad, and i had to ice it when i got home. this is quite bad. i'm 18, and i'm going for NS soon, and i have a knee like that.. tsk tsk.. hope it'll heal prior to my entry, through God's healing and rest.

i just had breakfast with my dad and brother, mom's attending her course. got to complete at least one math paper before i go to church later on, i think i'll attempt the TPJC one.

- well, hopes and dreams are what keeps up going.. do dream on people, and keep on hoping.. =)

ok, prior to this entry, i was messing around with my layout, and i kinda screwed up my html.

that suffice as reason number 1 of 2 to change my URL.
the other reason is cause someone found my previous link through another friend. no worries to you, but yeah, you know my preference, so please respect it =) you're still loved very much.

i spent 1 hour clearing up the mess that the post mortem of the prelim's created. it's quite disgusting, but at least tonight i've got a full study table to work with. and since i slept from 3-6plus, i'm going to sleep at earliest 1230. i need to do lotsa stuff anyway.

probably add another entry later, got to rush off for dinner now. ciao.

i hope i didn't just screw up my blog.

i could only pray for you, and yes i want to =)

i hope you would give unto the Lord your apprehension, distrust, and the whole problem if possible. haha, hope the day your own magic works for yourself comes soon =)

ok, maybe it was too early for a good night afterall, but hey, i'm entittled to this glee and the cherubim smile i have within me at this point in time right? =p

i'm really thankful i can seek solace in Your Word.
hmmm.. i'm feeling much more peaceful now, as compared to just now right after my shower, when i was really ready to erupt. but it wouldn't have done much good anyway, so yeah, i'm thankful i chose to walk away after punching my fist into my other palm. that sufficed for then.

hmmm.. many j1s would be taking their promos tomorrow, and i'm praying for my friends.
hope your eye swell has recovered.
well, to all those still taking exams, or going to take them this coming week, i wish you all the best, do your best and He will do the rest =)

i took my medicine, and i've got only 1.5 hours of lessons tomorrow. so i'm going to bed now.
goodnight to you, and world.

if i counted correctly, the last 4 times she speaks, it's always recieved with negative feelings on my end.
why?!?!?!? arGh!!!!!!!!!!!
late afternoon yesterday, she starts.
early this morning in the car, there she goes again.
it's already evening on sunday, and i would have expected a day in church to dispel all this angst in her, no, she goes at it the very moment she wakes up from her afternoon nap. gosh.

i really wanted to talk to her later on this evening, but i don't think i'm going to do so now.
it's just so... wrong... to do it at this time now.

Gosh~!
-roy lamented.

cough drop OD. with a flu tablet.
hope i sleep peacefully tonight.

i'm tired.
i cannot confirm whether it's 33 days left, but i don't care for now. i want to sleep.

goodnight world, and to you, yeah, you too. night.

i got my shure e2c's. they're babies, and they're good babies =) hahahaha
can you tell i'm a happy boy? i'm telling you i am =p
i got my new Remo drum pad to practise on too. hoping to improve.
34days to A levels.

36 days.

mooncakes are nice, but i could do away with the racket that the GRC gathering downstairs's causing.
i've got half a TJC p1 left, and 2 new DRQs. should i attempt to finish everything tonight? i seriously need help with my math..

i got back most of my prelim results on the first day of school. haha.
they aren't fantastic, but i've made improvement, and i'm really thankful for my Math grade. =)

thus far, i've got:
B4 for GP,
D for econs,
aO for math,
and my physics grade is unknown as of today.

haha, it's not pretty, but to me, it's a good start, of the 37 days left to my A levels. cool huh. =)
well, we'll see what God can do in thus short a time, with a willing soul (hopefully =p)

---------------------------

wah, jie mei's camera just spoilt, cause someone dropped it, *ouch*
but i seriously think you should get the one that Ne got. she got it at $1299, and you're getting it at $599, if i were you, i would grab it. it's like what? 4Megapixel? that's more than enough for me man.. i'm not shutterbug, so yeah.

well, here's the homework list for today.
1. TJC math paper 1
2. J2002 Econs P2, Drq Qn 1 on belgium and it's economy.

-----------------------

oh yeah, i'm getting my allowance this friday, and this is what i plan to spend on for this month. it sets me back quite a bit, but hey, for quality of my music, why not man?

http://www.shure.com/earphones/images/e2c_big.jpg

hahahah.. till laters people =)

question of the day: should one be allowed to feel sad from time to time?

if you have an answer to this, share it with me?
i'm caught in this cycle, and i'm getting quite sick of it.
happy out of home, and upset in it.
realised i used home and not house? it's still cause i know something's wrong.
there used to be warmth, love, and a looking-forwardness to home, the smell of it, the feel of it.

-a selfish streak
-a can't be bothered attitude
-playing too much
-sleeeping too much

just some of the topics the nagging's been going on and on for and about.
come on, if it ain't there, they won't nagging.
i have come to terms with that, but i don't understand, and so i have yet to come to terms with other things.

it's been like that when i'm close to You, it's also been like that when you're so far away.
so which is better off?
i haven't been speaking to You the whole of this week, is this why all these is happening? but it happens even when i'm talking to You practically every segment of the day. so what's up?

------------------------------------------

then:
*finger points* Look at your brother, learn from him, he's so caring, so loving, yada yada..

now:
*finger points* Look your YOUR brother, learn from HIM, HE's so caring, considerate, yada yada.. what happened to YOU?

you get the flow?
let me attempt to explain.
in the former ten years ago, the finger was pointed at me.
in the latter, now, the finger is pointed at my brother.

i admit, i've grown up, to be a different boy from who i used to be.

i don't think of others like i used to think of asking josie to the table to join us for dinner.
i don't exercise my initiative to hang the clothes, mop the floor, or water the plants for that matter.
i've lost that angelic innocence.
i've gained my PSLE results, O level results, and grade 8 distinction in my piano.
i've gained a whole lot of pride in myself, haughtiness, condescension upon others.
i've learnt to satisfy myself before others, and i claim i've learnt to love over the past few relationships i've had, but in retrospect, it's bullshit, with the exception of Julia.

so what if i bother to open up doors for girls? or make sure they get home safely? or let them up the escalator or the bus before i do? it surmounts to ziltch. look at it in this light, what's often termed as "desireable" by others, can be actions simply acted out without the heart in it. the devil knows the entire bible, he knows God even better than i do, but he ain't got the heart, that's why he's who he is.
- this is reason number 1 why i'm so thankful i don't reciprocate the feelings that the poor innocent girl has for me. she doesn't know me, and i'm glad she doesn't.

------------------------------------

only with confession does worship follow suit after a calamity.
realignment can only take place when the recognition for the need to do so is born.
i want to, yes i'm making a choice.
God help me with it. this i beg of you. yes i do.

------------------------------------

the ecstasy of the flesh throws the mind into a fumble, and in turn leads the spirit along with the temple into wayward deeds. steer thyself away from what tempts, unless it is in line with what the Holy Spirit prompts. gorge out your eye if it's what causes you to sin. hold your tongue if it's what causes hurt, and remain silent till words of wisdom, love, assurance and edification is poured forth from the very same tongue.
Love will triumph over all, good and evil.
Amen.

gosh.. whee!~

hahaha, i wonder whether this glee is ever going to be justified.
hMmmmm.. hahahahahahahaha.... ~!~!~! =p

good night people, and all the best to all taking physics prac tomorrow.

The Calling - Wherever you wil go

it doesn't take any more than 2 rejections flat in the face for an ego to feel flatten.
right, it wasn't their faults that they were busy, and had to rush off, yes, and i ain't blaming anyone. i'm just feeling... well.. rejected.

i read this off someone's nick, and i thought it was really insightful.
"when you recieve an insult, top it. if you can't top it, laugh it off. well, if you can't even laugh it off, it's probably deserved."

------------------------------------

gosh.. tempers flying again.. darn it.
what a turn off.

a skin of copper
a sky of grey
a curtain of white
and a heart of gloom

miscommunication. sigh, i'm upset because of that. thankfully none of them read this.
gosh..
Lord i ask that you seek my motive and correct me if i habour wrong intentions for wanting to do what i did. i'm at a loss, teach me, and guide me Lord.

i've been writing alot, so much so that i'm actually quite shocked how i'm able to finish a long tube of pelikan blue ink in a week. need to get a refill. i think the uncle will be darn shocked too.

well, most of my writing has been actually my conversations with God, and my thoughts. so in a way, i've been talking alot too.

it's 2 days to my unofficial end of my prelims. i think i'm going to screw up big time, but with God's grace, i'll pull through.

i think i'm posting here cause i know there're people out there who read, and care, but i'm sorry, i can't tell you all in words like that. if you need my assurance, i'm doing well, and i'm actually very good =) thanks to God.

i'm still looking around for a leather bound journal, anyone know where i could get it? in singapore that is.
please please please let me know if you do have resources. thank you.

i'm so bloated, from the Macs dinner i just had, and the large mug of chinese tea i had. haha. hmmm.. it's econs paper1 and 2 tomorrow, shall go revise now, although i'm more worried about my math paper2. tsk tsk.. *anxiety kicks in* and i kick it out of the window, nah. i hand it to God =) thank You.

for those of you who think He's but a servant whom i go to for my woes and troubles and things like that, you have no idea what great fun we're having together. don't understate the value of something you cannot comprehend. =)

took out the music, changed the layout, let me know what you think of it yeah?

i think sometimes things get too complicated in the midst of we trying to make it simple. want an example? take a statistical analysis for example. who actually needed to know all those figures and pie charts and fractions? i sure didn't need to.

good night people for now.

What do you call collectively,
That the eye can see,
heads turning to appreciate beauty as she walks down the streets,
That the ear can hear,
the majesty of children all singing praises unto Him that send a warm tingle down your spine,
That the nose can smell,
the whiff of mother's love from the kitchen as i step home,
That the tongue can taste,
the sweetness of sugar in the richness of coffee,
That our skin should feel,
the millions of messages our bodies tell each other in a unified tone of a hug that's long overdue?
i call it God's love for me.

thanks to cassandra from MMC. got it from enlin though. hmm.. one performance i'll never forget.
immortalized in writing, fossilized in pictures.

bought a new pen, and have been writing in a diary. hope i continue to, even in the midst of my exams. well, nothing much to say for now, because i've written most of my thoughts for the day down in the my diary.
take care people and have fun.

*why should stress as a result of limited human understanding preceed faith hope and love?

so weird, all these feelings i have in me now.
it may have been the excessive amounts of caffeine, or maybe the people i spoke to through the night, or maybe cause i slept at 5am in the morning, or maybe cause of a show i re-watched.
in any case, i'm feeling melancholic.

i need my haircut, and i need to study.
will go for it later on, but i'm considering studying outside. i'm just wondering.. hmmm..

i've learnt so many new things in the last 3 days of my life, that i'm pretty much overwhelmed by my emotions. i ain't so sure it's time to be going through this.

Lord, i ask you be with me. my legs are feeling very jelly-like.

if there's one thing worse than not having friends, it would be that your friends ignore you.

had a good night's sleep, and had a good breakfast with my brother. got bad news though that my sister's apartment was broken into last night, but thankfully apart from a few missing things, all else is fine.
plan to do my QT before starting on a math paper today.

*i ask that this day be productive and that you help me appreciate the little things you've done in my life..

some say blogging helps, others gorge, yet others shop, but i think all don't work for me, and i personally op for sleep. at least i don't waste money or time doing something only to realise later that i regret it.
who can regret sleeping?

ah screw it.
yeah, screw it.
don't you get me? screw it!
ok, let me spell it out for you one last time.
S.C.R.E.W I.T!

i think i used like 50msgs in half an hour, so that time 3, i used 150msgs over dinner.
i don't really care about it anyway.
i need my shower, and my bed.

*a voice lingers in the head,
and for that moment,
language doesn't matter,
only the voice does.*

ever felt anything like that before?
well, don't answer, cause it wasn't meant to be answered.

ok, no, it's not some screw up on the database. yes it's been really quite some time now since i've stepped down, but just felt like posting the pictures only now. so yeah. i would be posting up the Love Meridian Day pics too.

nostalgia. our 1st pose together in school uniform, and the last together, in blazers.

right after the step down..

see the smiles?

Mr Tee's idea again.. =p

i wonder what the wall will be like by the time the next president steps down.

nostalgia, love, friendships, bonded, unity, happiness, laughter, smiles, and tears, are some of the words that have been flashing past my mind.

from all the posts that i read, from the pictures i see, from the memories i have, yes, i end up crying inside, but with both tears of joy and sorrow.
joy for the appreciation that we were once there,
sorrow for the knowledge that it must come to an end.

i think to say you people rock, i understate the true value of what you guys mean to me.
well, i'm not at a loss of words, because i know i want to tell you people i love you all.
yes s303, i do love you guys.
that my love sprung from my only hate, now i feel the stabs of bittersweet sorrow.

i have more to say, but i don't think it's the time to do so now. i don't want to write about these things when i'm so tired, when i fail to express what i truly feel, and i dim the hues of the colours that you people brought into my life. help me be fair to you people.
que sera sera.

we're going to STOMP!!!!!!

hahaha, hope we bring the house down, and do this last act together as a class! =)

i'm really looking forward to it, and thank you all for contributing in whatever ways you have, and yes you all do mean something to me. =)

i'm tired, and i'm feeling a mixture of lots of things. haha. night people.

hmmm.. alot has happened, yet nothing really worth the mentioning. at least to me lah. =p
(see the selfish side emerging?) - it's always about what i think is important, it's always about i, and seldom is 'me' out of the picture.

i choose to take a happy outlook at things. =)
if she's not feeling repulsive, then i'm happy for now. i hope this friendship grows.

i've been growing closer to my classmates, if you people haven't realised.
and i've been learning the limitations of the human soul.
my time is all i have, and when i grow closer to some people, inevitably i drift away from others.

i hope this changes for the better in view that it's my last week in school. ---> 3 weeks to prelims! hahahahaha

lunch was interesting, and dinner fulfilled it's purpose of filling my stomach.
i had a nap, of which i think was crap.

why do i get this feeling that you're bursting for me to say it so that you could just slap me so hard on the face and turn all this back into the times where i would distant myself from all of you again?
i'm not pondering, i'm troubled, and i don't think i'm thinking in the right frame of mind.

the circle of life is made up of dogs. along with the bitching, and snapping at each other's heels.

if we're acting like strangers, and you're not doing nuts about it, don't tell me we're like strangers cause i already know it.
give the situation a reason through your actions to be otherwise, or things would always remain the same. that's how it works. get it?

i'm quite fustrated, and i'm having a mild mood swing now.

flunked 2BL5 again. hahaha, but i'll keep trying. =)

pleasant phone call whilst walking home. maybe, just maybe we'll go at it again.

well, i have unsettled stuff.
godma just jio-ed me for mj tomorrow, the only problem's getting the tiles to her place, cause i'll be out the whole day, and it's grandpa's birthday dinner tomorrow, and i have a seminar on sat, and mom has to see Ms Tan on sat morning. see how the list goes on and on and on? hahaha, ok. i think i might switch the date mom sees Ms Tan again, but no choice. sigh, just hope she doesn't blabber too much.

night people, i'm dead beat, but at least i'm alive.

having to walk away knowing it would have been the best way out, was indeed a decision filled with defeat. but it was made, and that's that.

i question, and is it wrong to?
tell me if i am wrong to be doing so.
short term or long term? which are you?
and would that answer change with experience?

gosh, i never knew that my thoughts/depression encompassed all those things i spoke to with wj, hmmm.. maybe we all just need to talk things out, and then realise that we're all actually thinking individuals.

night people. enough has been said, not here, but not that i care.

from my youngest years,
till this moment here,
i've never seen,
such a lovely queen.

from the skies above,
to the deepest love,
i've never felt,
crazy like this before.

Chorus:
paint my love,
you should paint my love.
it's the picture of a thousand sunsets,
it's the freedom of a thousand doves,
baby you should paint my love.

been around the world,
then i met you girl,
it's like coming home,
to a place i've known.

Chorus

since you've came,
into my life,
the days before all faded black and white,
since you've came,
into my life,
everything has changed.

Chorus

--------------------------------

hmmm.. a white spot in the multitude of red, you inevitably stood out, and shone you did.
i'm ain't riding the waves of success with regard to handling this matter.
i'm torn between head knowledge, first hand experience, and pure stubborness, that's head on with hope, and what-ifs.
i'm coughing, my zits are breaking out, and i'm getting agitated at the mildest of things.

i need to cool down, literally and otherwise, that's why i'm drinking lots of water, and that stuff my mom cooked for me, and also resting.
but i need to continue working. i've started, but the pace is way too slow.

happy birthday to you Spore. i don't know you well enough to tell you i'm happy for you.

dinner..

the envious do not die once, but as oft as the envied win applause.

and although envy is a waste of time, i can't help but admit that i do envy some people at certain points in my life.

do you think life is ironic? when we are often filled with feelings tht are oxymorons.
hmmm.. spent my recess with Him, felt good. need to talk more, it's a relationship anyway. =p
can we go out on a date soon?

well, i ain't going to say it's all smooth sailing, and time is still edging towards the final day.
little by little, everyday...

won't you Lord, take a look at our hands?
everything we have, use it for your plan.
won't you Lord, take a look at our hearts?
mould me, refine me, as you set us apart?

we want to run to the altar, and touch the fire,
and stand in the gap between the living and the dead,
give us a heart of compassion,
for a world without vision,
we will make a difference bringing hope to this land.

you don't know me, so yeah, let's get to know each other better first yeah?
till then, yeap. nothing more needs to be said. one thing i'm thankful for though, that you're a child of God. let's hope it's the talk we walk, yeah, let us see how much it'll show in our walk as friends.

and as for mspiggy, i've been talking so much to you, that i was surprised by that question of yours. well, seriously, i didn't have an answer. it was more of a digression, to throw your attention off the question. yeah.
*the screen flickers and the speakers blip; the familiar tone of an incoming sms. yeah, it's from you.*

i'm walking away, from troubles in my life.... - Craig David

hmmm.. just finished up circuit revision today, going for 2BL5 next thurs, and the RTT on the 20th of august. hope i clear it all. back to normal life i guess.
the past two months have been kinda... no words to describe at the moment. don't think i want to get down to that anyway.

Ocean - Gu Dan Bei Ban Qiu & Xing Fu Che Zhan

nothing wrong with these songs, nice ones in fact.

i've been singing quite a bit, something i never really did before, cause i don't think i can really sing.
but i'm trying to find my own voice in all these singing. i don't care if you think i can sing for nuts. that's subjective, and it's not that i care.

i am down, i don't know why.

no, i don't want to seek the solution from You when i go tomorrow.

---------------

cleared up my room,
put up my whiteboard.
started the countdown in my room,
vaccum cleaned the table of the shavings.
the table's clean,
at least i can use the table now.
tomorrow that is.

---------------------

the stage is set for the show to begin.
would it start soon?
will there be an interlude?
or a standing ovation when it's done?
will they demand an encore?
not from the phantom who doesn't live in the theatre,
nor the one who plays music not that of the night.

i'm thankful for being unknown to those who don't know me.
obscurity cloak me, lest i hide my circle in public.

i walk through your gallery of paintings,
those you paint not with brushes or your fingers,
but with words and that of ideals.
it's impressionism in itself,
but why should that matter to you?
let trees be blue,
and the sky red,
and water green,
and the people in the canvas grey.
immortality bestowed upon those you write about,
mortality given to those etched in your heart.
when all's been said and done,
and every last one falls,
then we'll all say,
let it be,
for what will be,
will be.

-----------------

the heart pulsated,
the pearls from within.
they never left the window,
but nevertheless they were put into being.

sprained tendon, and an injured hip.

my doc gave me 1 week mc to excuse me from PE, thank you doc!
and for the painkillers too.

---------

i may like you, and you may know, but know this too.
i've come to realise that i ain't ready to love.
don't ask me how i ever came to that conclusion. i just did. i have been so out of touch with all these feelings, that i have decided in these circumstances, it's best i leave them alone for now.

i want to concentrate. on what, i haven't decided, but i know it won't be this.

----------

i'm thinking of picking up badminton. i'm ok with my hand-eye coordination, but i need to learn the correct strokes from someone. anyone wanna help? and i'm going to get a good racket! it pays to have connections! snigger!! hahaha =p

that's all folks.
time to myself.

i heave a sigh of relief,
i start to breathe once again.
my sense of touch is awakened to the sensations again,
those once felt when i had more sense in my head.
the spinal nerves have not broken down,
it's just that i choose to ignore the screams the signals are transmitting.
the injuries hurt,
but the heart in it's hope is wilted.
logic in the mind seems something to look forward to,
but it's still but another subject of time.

something i wrote some time back, but i'm surprised i remember vividly how i felt. have a good day people. not much has happened, that i think is worth sharing, but nevertheless, i treasure all that's happen. thank you God =)

night people

ok, i admit, i'm still not in control of the situation, and no, neither are you, although yes, you probably have the ability to steer this one way or another.

it's my prayer, that i would help you out of that problem. if you could jump out of that shell of yours, and hop into another one, you would then realise how darn likeable you are. well, i hope that through my actions, i would help you see that someday. but then again, how would that help? since it's you, the one inside you that really makes you all that beautiful anyway.

i'm young, i ain't denying it. and forgive me for the mistakes that i would inevitably make. be truthful with me? cause i really want to be honest with you.
i'm trying to break that wall down. yeah, but i hope it gives way to something that we both could be happy with.

till then, i don't want to rev the engine more than it is at now. i might from time to time if i ever get the confidnce, but guide me. let's do this together. not just me, not just you, make it you and i. yeap.

*for a weird reason, the pro-spore song that goes 'together we'll make a difference... ' hahaha, it's playing in my head. this must be some kinda joke*

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)
 
can you tell i'm happy? if you can't, let me spell it out for you. i'm H-A-P-P-Y! hahahahahahaha

hmmm.. today, the junior councillors stepped up, and it marks the end of my council office. it's not because of that i'm happy. in fact, i wrote in the guest book that 'words have failed me at this moment to express what i feel for the council, the #1s, #2s, and the TAs". truly, i love them all, yes i love mjc's council, and to a pretty large extent, i love mjc. =)

let the truth set you free. i don't know how the words left my mouth, but i'm really glad i told you. thanks for being who you are =) **did i look/sound really dumb? =p hahaha, not that it really matters, cause at least now you know. not that you didn't before, but yeah, at least i got down to telling you. =)

i'm going to have dinner with #1s at whitesands swensens. yay!! =) should i go early to CB to read? i'm quite tempted to do just that, but i'm quite tired, and i'm thinking of taking a nap. hmmm.... ok, i decided against the nap, cause the moment i go down, i'm probably going to miss dinner. hahaha.

45/105

hahaha, those numbers don't seem that dready to me today, as many other things too. haha, after i told you, i guess i was happy. wait, let me rephrase that, i don't need to guess. i know i was =)
i know for sure now that God answers prayers, and yes, it's still going to be in His hands. - i can still hope right? =p -

love gives, and it never takes.

47/108
 
i'm stepping down tomorrow. i ain't kidding. i don't know what i feel about the stepping down and the delivering of my final speech as the president, or the certificate of thanks that i would recieve, or the final time i would wear my blazer, or the last time i would have teachers sniding me as the pres, but yes i can tell you, i'm feeling so much about something (-one) else.

if all that matters is to meet the objective, does everything else go then? does the end justify the means?
i want to let you know, yes i do. but i'm afraid i would lose it. hold it, what do i have now anyway?
well, i have 9 outta 10 times i don't recieve replies to my smses. i have 9.5/10 times my calls are not picked up.
.........................
i have times when i don't dare to speak to you when you're just seated next to me, and yet i also have the constant hope to see you the moment i look up from whatever i'm doing, in hope to spot your face in the multitude of blue.
.........................
i have a mind that tells me the logic or rather the lack of it of pursuing this matter, but yet i can't explain the fact i haven't been able to severe the thoughts from my being. trust me, i tried, and i don't think it has worked out for the good.
.........................
how it turned out this way, from what it used to be from the very start, i have no idea.
where it goes from here, i have no idea either.
if i choose my desired course of action, neither will i have an idea.
give me a clue, that might help, it might just make things seem clearer.

 

49/110
 
people are weird, but yeah, i guess i'm weird at times too, since i'm human too.
maybe it ain't really all weird, just a different kinda norm, get my point? haha.
ok, i started reading Sophie's World, i was forewarned that it is really dry, but i'm finding it really interesting. =) hope i can persevere to the end.
 
'if it happens, it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't, nothing you can do about it.' so true, thanks Daniel. it put my heart at ease. =)
 
4 days to stepping down. amen - let it be.
 
context is very important. learnt that while i was thinking of some stuff, but not the time to pen it down at this point in time. have things to do. maybe when it's all been said and done, then i'll write about it.
 
as for now, i'm going to talk to Him, and then i'm going to bed, cause i'm tired. i didn't manage to get my usual sunday afternoon nap, so i know i'll fall asleep early tonight, and that's what i'm going to do. sleep early, and get up at say 430? yeah. that's what i'll do =)
 
goodnight people

50 days to prelims, 111 days to A levels.
 
hmmm.. yeah, those numbers are going to keep dropping, and i need to keep going at them.
 
just some quick updates,
i just placed my deposit for my Instroke Buffaloe cue case. it's really pretty, you could check it out at http://www.instroke.com/cgi-bin/catalog_1/showpict.pl?login=&item=BUF2X4 if you're interested.
Also, i won't be playing pool till at least the prelims are over, cause i figured i don't need that distraction, so i decided to make a decision, so that i can get it out of my system once and for all at least till the prelims are over.
 
i don't know if Ms Lai's going to see my parents, cause a few of my friends already got a call from the school regarding their results and were asked to make an appointment with Ms Lai. If or otherwise, either way, i'm getting down to doing my stuff, getting the act together, and striving for it.
 
Tomorrow: will be having BS, yay! and we're going to sit pastor Tim Tan down for coffee after BS, exciting session. hope the crossfire won't be that great amongst some individuals, but yeah, i know it won't, because they're all mature people. =)
 
then i'm coming home to do my math, and another week of school starts all over again. hmmm.. i am still coughing, hope i can recover before tuesday so that i will be fit enough to exercise. i just got home, so i need to go shower, and then i'm off to lalaland. medicine before that though. hmmm.. all you people out there, just get your act together, and the whole show would more or less work out for the better, at least for His purpose it would =)

113

i got an mc from the doctor. and a 3day leave from PE.
i need to sleep, but i'm not tired mentally, physically i'm worn out though.
need to do my math, trigo, differentiation and integration i shall do tomorrow for the whole day after clearing my tutorials.

ok, it won't be for the whole day, but at least for most of it.
i need to finish up my book, Angels and Demons. haha.
i will start on Sophie's World after that.
enough of Dan Brown for now, need to read some stuff that would get me thinking.

haha, then i guess i'll finish up the rest of the Dan Brown books after SW. He's quite good i must admit, generally captivates his readers by the facts that he slams ever so casually in your face. cool style of writing, and i'm sure lots of effort must have went into it; making it seem like it was second nature to him even though you know it was anything but, i salute him =)

took my medicine, i purposely took an overdose of the cough medicine. hope it knocks me to out cold. i need to sleep, at least for the night that i get an MC. don't want to waste it.

many people are falling sick, please take care all you people out there.
to you: hope you clear your deadlines successfully, don't get too stressed up. =) remember to smile. will be praying for you.
and to you:i am thankful for the small mercies in life. continue to be who you are, and the new look's really nice =)

to all of you: goodnight people.

114 - i have to go all the way down before i can bounce back up.

it's weird that i'm up at this time. haha, i woke up a whole hour earlier than usual, probably cause i thought i set my alarm to 530, but it was actually 430. haha. hmmm.. good that i'm up actually, need some quiet time to myself to think things through, although i probably spend this time doing my tutorials. would catch up on my math Trigo in the 3 period break today that i have before the math revision lectures. it seems to be the only subject that i can do anything about these days.

haven't really been thinking, haven't really been thanking.
i've been worrying too much,
and above all that, i've been too self-centered and concerned about the short term all over once again.

if it means that i be grounded, then ground me. i ain't really interested in going out with anyone in particular nowadays anyway. maybe i'll just be a cooped up old grumpy hermit locked up in my room with my books, and i just read and read, and read. i can't say that i won't yearn to play pool, cause i really love it, but sometimes we have to lock our feelings aside i guess.

alright, i'm off to talk to Him, decided to do so before i start the day. hope it's a day in which His purpose if fufilled.

morning people. =)

116

well, The Bloke's been very much in my weekend, and we've haven't been talking alot, but i know He's waiting quietly at the corner. i've not given my fair share of time, and it's probably why i feel the weekend zoom past without much meaning anyway.

ok, before i pop out of the house to church and then for an early afternoon relaxing, before i come back and nap, here's the homework list.
1. Econs Essay
2. GP written work - need to pack the file i guess
3. general packing of the file i carry around, the notes are all in a mess.
4. AOB relating to work i guess.

where my heart is, would be where i feel happy being, it's where i would be when i'm unhappy too, cause it'll be the place i would want to be, whatever i feel, whenever i can, and with whomever i may be with.

woah, it's been fast and furious this whole week.
handi came, handi went.
i'm happy today. spent time with shaun although i was let down by a friend.
was quite happy with the fact that my first 2 movements of my first exam piece has improved. really need to work on that 3rd movement, and my scales too.

glad i attended the forum in church. was interesting. must learn to curb my impulsiveness in showing my state of mind through my body language.

Dan Brown's Angels and Demons is proving to be quite an interesting read, as The Da Vinci Code was.

need to complete some homework over the weekend, hope i can settle down and adapt quickly.

time is running out!!!!!!!!!!

117 days as of 10th July 2004

hmmm.. but yeah, as piglet said, let the joy of the Lord be our strength. happy birthday piglet =)

i'm tired, and there's school later on in the morning at 840. night people

first day of school after a long weekend.
i'm tired. no, i'm zonked out. i didn't have enough sleep last night, and the weekend's worth of traning and not-sleeping wore me down. i'm going to catch up on sleep now, and i'm getting up early to tidy up my room, and then do my tutorials.

physics and math to clear before the day starts.
it's going to a tough, furious, demanding and strenuous term, hope i survive.

to you, yeah you: your term's going to be tough too i heard from you, but yeah, stick in there, you'll survive by His strength, didn't meet you for as long as i would have hoped for last week, hope to see you soon again.

night people.

the Euro has been a total flop. haha, the underdogs won, 1-0. hmmm, but i guess it's been great progress for Portugal though.

hmmm.. i'm at ah goh's place now. spend the night talking to him after soccer, glad i came afterall.
so much to say, so little time, no wonder you give your time to the people you love most. hmmm.. i truly love him as a brother, and i thank God for him =)

going to meet handi in a while's time, that's after i get home though, cause i need to get lunch first. that's all for now i guess.

laters people =)

i went, i tried, and i was conquered.
the physics paper.

haha. hmmm.. not going to brood over it. just going to concentrate on math for now. i need it, and surprisingly i'm quite revved up for it. haha. yay!

laters people. night.

resolute i am tonight,
with decisions i once thought meant all to me.
whatever comes, can also go,
and with that, i've learnt,
that it isn't your fault.
it ain't mine either,
and trust me,
i wish i could seriously pick up this tab.
that we don't talk,
yes you and i,
it's not a mistake.
it's just what it is,
the lack of communication.
if it's driven by a want,
then it couldn't have been avoided,
if otherwise,
there might have had been a chance to save it,
but we let it pass,
and it's gone now.
no need for tears,
or apologies.
it's just not appropriate.
the new may outshine the old in a spur,
but when the novelty wears off,
the now old seemingly lacklustre to the older.
gone with the wind,
as it came too with the wind.
i could have clung unto the wind,
and be blown away together with it,
but no, we let it pass,
and it's gone now.

goodnight earth.
i am thankful and grateful for what He's brought me through today.
i'm hoping for more guidance, and more resilience on my part.
amen.

humans.
they're highly territorial, often getting into disputes and combat over the most of trivial matters, and tend to be oblivion about their surroundings unless their own well being is invovled, and yet preach wonders of love and compassion off the top of their heads.
haha. what a joke.

i learnt from Rev.See today in church an important lesson, very interesting, and very essential to the image of the Church. not just our church, but the church as in the body of believers.
had a great time in worship today.

bought my new study guide, along with a new CD.
stacie orico. pretty nice album. got it at a good price too.

had a good dinner with granny, simple dinner, but was well-fed.

had a phone call, and it was a pleasant one.
sporadic.
let's hope it ain't the case in time to come yeah? and you got the timeline kinda wrong, it wasn't that long, but yeah. haha.
but i'll leave your part up to you, and do mine. it takes two to clap =)

i'm going to bed now.
i'm happy tonight, because:
God loves me,
i love Him,
i've spoken to Him today,
and i've spent a day of my life knowing that His love is present in my life, in one way or another.

Good night earth

2 tablets of chloramine can do much. it put me to sleep, so much that i didn't hear my cellular ring, which isn't usually the case because i'm quite a light sleeper, and also, it put me back to sleep for 3 solid hours straight after i had breakfast.
i took 2 tablets cause i thought i had the morning to sleep, only to have mom come into the room telling me at 9plus, that the air con guys were coming at 10, so i had to get up. dang!

well, i went back to sleep at 11 till 2 when they left. haha. proceeded to church for music practise. it was good, looking forward to serving tomorrow morning in service.

dinner was.. well, i shall not say much. thank God for the food. amen.

~*~

does it mean anything to you when you share a secret with someone? i mean, apart from telling the person you trust him/her, does it mean anything more to you than that?
some say when you have sex with someone else, you give a portion of your soul to that someone. no i didn't have sex, and neither did i share a secret with anyone, but i'm wondering, do the two have parallels of any sort? if we weren't meant to be islands on our own, doesn't it then mean that all we do in one way or another makes us intertwine and interact with one another?

time is what i have, and if i give you my time, i love you.
well, if it were all that simple, i would really be much less of who i am.
at times, i cannot stand the in-between shades of the emotions i feel, but i'm reminded that these things that can't be explained, because they weren't meant to be.
it leaves me in awe, and it was meant to do so. i shouldn't bother trying too hard.
if you could assure me that the feeling you have for two friends you love are exactly the same, or two family members for that matter, let me know how you came about that decision yeah?

if liking is quantified as the emotion felt during courtship, love the other during a marriage, then what's the emotion when one of two go to be with God? i don't believe there ain't in-betweens, but i guess language of humans can only do so much. to attach a name to every single emotion would be asking you to number the lines of symmetry in a circle.

~*~

this is what i hope to do tomorrow:
1. Learn as much as possible from andrew's sharing during cell group
2. find a suitable new study guide for my QT from Life Bookshop at parkway
3. place my order for that Philip Capelle book
4. Quieten down to go all out for my last day of revision before my papers on tues
5. Rest well, and recover fully from the flu

Que sara sara, whatever will be, will be.
Your will be done.

Goodnight people

i'm stoning, and it's 827 in the morning. i woke up to watch the match, and i don't regret it, cause it was a real treat. haha, ending at 2-2 at end of extra time, england lost out in penalties. portugal are through to the semi finals, and i think they deserve it! =)

i'm off to trying to stay awake for another 3 hours before i come home after practical to sleep before piano at 6.

practical practical, how impractical can a practical get? =)

i need to come to a "DAD".

no, i don't need a new father, and no, i'm not going to be a father in the near future. it's my acronym for something in my life which must be done soon. yes. it's pressing for time, and my attention too, although it's hardly one of the few things i have my mind on most of the day.

it's been quite a while now, and when 2 cellphones and 2 telephone lines collect dust with the inactivity whilst i wait for the phone call that will never come, i think it's time. yes. the time has come more or less, and i'm just talking to my big boss up there, to give me more directions and instructions about it.

---------------------------------------------------

a friend was nice today. truthful and sincere with an sms, which i thought was really pleasant of him.
no i'm not gay, and i'm having flashbacks about the first few days of school. haha, sometimes we think life's a joke, but upon scrutiny, and reminiscing like that, i hardly think it's life that's the joke, it's more like i'm the joke in a wonderful life that's been given to me.
the first few days i met him in school, i thought that he was one of the kinda of people i had always despised.
it was his mannerism, and my cockiness.
it was his chosen medium of speech, and my preferred language of communication.
all that trival has now faded with time. it's not faded in importance though. it's only become the watermark of the canopy on which our friendship is being painted with a few colours here and there thus far, and i sure hope this artpiece is still in the midst of being completed. continue in this journey being the co-author of this chapter of my life, and the co-artist of this mural of friendship =)

----------------------------------------------

it's my physics practical exam in 8hours time, and i'm still not sleeping. haha. i think i'm asking for trouble. hmmm.. well, i have not come to a decision as to whether i'll be 'mugging' after the paper tomorrow, since i have piano lessons at 6. and i'm still contemplating whether i should watch the england vs portugal match! hahahaha.

my brother for one's watching it (victor another one too), and i want to spend time with him. yeah, the relationship between the two of us has been improving i must say. thankful for the holidays, because i get to spend the mornings with him over breakfast, and i wake him up whenever i do. i must say he's starting to show interest in his school work, and i seriously hope he'll do well if he puts his heart and soul into doing it right. she probably doesn't read this, but i'm really envious of the relationship S has with her sister, and although it's different circumstances here i'm speaking of, i think/hope/pray i could foster a relationship with my brother that's as loving and close as theirs in time to come. =) i love him =)

well well, for two nights in a row now, i've maintained discipline, with myself! haha. yay! hmm.. it's nothing grand, but it's a small stepping stone for myself in my christian walk. =) i've pulled myself out of bed willingly, or rather, i jumped out of it, when i know i won't sleep well, till i talk to Him. yeap, it's something i asked for, that He never gives me another night of peaceful sleep, till i settle my fair share with Him each day, and it may sound stupid to some of you out there, but when the day comes when He'll use the foolishness of the world to shame the wit/glam of this very same world, probably you'll understand then why His children are just so compelled to do these little silly things. it's His love that pushes us in that direction =)

enough for this entry as of now, i think i've spoken my piece for tonight =)

goodnight earth.

question that cause the workout of 5brains - questions from the physics TYS.

haha, the 5 of us tried to attempt a crash course of our physics syllabus. i must admit it's useful when our mid years are so near and we've all been slacking. at least we're trying to study =p

hmmm.. we're going over our practical objectives, as we have our physics pratical exam tomorrow. alright, i shall stop here for now, and i should update later on upon reaching home.

laters people.

praise God for me being still alive in Ne's place. hahaha

hmmm.. came over at about 345, when i was supposed to be here at 2pm, cause i had lunch with my mother in town at and it was a late lunch, so time dragged on, and i arrived late. enjoyed the train ride up to Simei though, cause i was reading, and i like my current book.

math, that's what we attempted to do. they're pretty good at it, but i ain't, that's why i'm here for help. hmmm.. we're waiting for dinner now, and Ne's mother cooked curry chicken, when i just had curry chicken noodles for lunch. ahahahaa.. hmmm.. well, i should be thankful i have got dinner.

well well, i'll end here for now, it's time to relax.. =)

Collin Raye - Butterfly Kisses

there's two things i know for sure,
she was sent here from heaven,
and she's daddy's little girl,
as i drop to my knees by her bed at night,
she talks to Jesus,
and i close my eyes,
and i thank God for all the joy in my life,
oh but most of all,

for butterfly kisses after bedtime prayers,
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair,
walk beside the pony daddy,
it's my first ride,
i know the cake looks funny daddy,
but i sure tried,
oh with all that i've done wrong,
i must have done something right,
to deserve a hug every morning,
and butterfly kisses at night.

sweet sixteen today,
she's looking like her mama,
a little more everyday,
one part woman,
the other part girl,
to perfume and makeup,
from ribbons and curls,
trying her wings out in the great big world,
but i remember,

butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer,
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair,
you know how much i love you daddy,
but if you don't mind,
i'm only going to kiss you on the cheek this time,
oh with all that i've done wrong,
i must have done something right,
to deserve your love every morning,
and butterfly kisses at night.

all the precious time...
oh like the wind the years go by..
all the preciouse time...
spread your wings and fly..

she'll change her name today,
she'll make a promise,
and i'll give her away,
standing in the bride room,
just staring at her,
she asked me what i'm thinking,
and i said i'm not sure,
i just feel like i'm losing my baby girl,
she leaned over and gave me..

butterfly kisses with her mum there,
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair,
walk me down the aisle daddy,
it's just about time
does my wedding gown look pretty daddy,
daddy don't cry,
oh with all that i've done wrong,
i must have done something right,
to deserve your love every morning,
and butterfly kisses,
i couldn't ask God for more,
man this is what love is,
i know i got to let her go,
but i will always remember,
every hug in the morning,
and butterfly kisses.

insomnia.
that's what i have now most nights. an 8hour night feels like a 2hour nap, and if so much time is wasted, why do i bother sleeping? i need pills at night to sleep, and caffeine in the morning to stay awake. this is bad.

i exercise, so my body's worked out, and i used to be able to sleep when i exercise well. hmmm.. maybe it's the brain that's inactive, that's why i ain't sleeping. it's 5days to my mid years, and i'm pretty much screwed. will try to salvage as much as possible.

physics prac on friday, and first paper on tues. 2 in fact. math and econs. these two are the subjects i'm better at compared to physics. i hope i don't screw up that badly.

--------------------------------------------------------

perhaps love would make it all better,
when the windows to the soul grow dim,
and the grinding of the windmills cease,
lest the doors on the streets close one by one,
and beings recede into privacy,
before departing to their eternal home,
perhaps love would then make it all better.

what i don't know about you i can't love.
what i do know of, i can, and i do.
does that discount the truth of knowing you?
does that mar the white veil?
does that cause rebuke for it's simplistic nature?
tell me, for what i don't know,
i don't understand, and i can't love.

what's it to you to be known by many names?
i mean, some know you as your first name, others know you by your initials, or just by a face? and others call you your nicknames?

hmmm.. does it tell you that you're schizophrenic?

is it possible that you exist as only one self to everyone? i would be quite happy and yet sad at the same time.
i would be happy that it would mean i would be truly me, without compromise, without falseness of any sort, and it's simplistic in nature leading such a lifestyle don't you think?

i would be sad on the other hand. don't you wish to be someone special to your other half? would you want to be the same person you are to an accquaintance as you are to your spouse?

the manisfestation of respect or reverence - honour

late into the day as it's about to end, (8pm-ish) i chose to do something, simply because i had to honour my word with God. and it's the right thing to do, so the fact that i got to keep my honour was just a bonus.

dinner was good, but i think i overate. i'm feeling bloated now, and a little depressed. the weighing scale registers a weight loss, but i can't help but feel that i've put on weight over the month that i've not run my usual 2.4km runs.
hmmm.. i remember the days in sec 3 and 4 where i was training, and literally gobbling food down most of the time, but i was in tip top condition, both health and weight wise, because of the rigorous training. ok, since i don't exercise at that rate anymore, i should just cut down on my intake. yeah. i guess i'll do just that. i don't need that much anyway.

seriously, i've not much interest in the Euro2004 soccer games. don't ask me why, i've just lost the 'drive' to sit myself down in front of that box for more than 20mins in a row without feeling anything at all. it's not guilt, it's just not in my lifestyle to watch tv anymore. i do watch movies, in fact i love them, but not the tv. don't question the idiosyncracy.

it's too early for bed time, and i cannot sleep on such a filled tummy.
should i drink some chinese tea? gosh.. this bloated-ness is really getting to me.. =(

i was stuck in the toilet for 45mins at 5am in the morning, purging liquid all the way. along with stomach cramps. i think it's mild food poisoning. ate medicine at 6, and spent 1 hours sleeping in the living room, cause i didn't want to go back to my air conditioned room. felt much better when i was awoken at 7 by a cellular ringing really loudly somewhere in the estate, but thankfully, i survived that ordeal.

must have been the steamboat the previous night, but it doesn't make sense, because the rest of the family doesn't have any problems, i think i must have put my chopsticks into my mouth after i touched raw food, or something was mildly uncooked for that matter. maybe it's the liver i ate. it tasted quite raw, but yet ok at the same time. hahaha. who knows.

i'm down to studying from today. serious full blast studying. i don't know how i'm going to do it, but i better find a way. i'm exactly 10days away to my first paper, and 6 days to my physics practical. darn. i'm screwed.

my sony nudeEX earphones have spoilt. the right side's damaged. darn! argh.. another 80bucks down the drain. ok, i shall not whine about it anymore. shall stick to my original Sony earphones for now, or i could interswitch between the Sennheiser headphones. that's the danger of knowledge. when you know what's good, you don't tend to settle for anything less that satisfactorily anymore.

music is food for the soul.
with that in mind, i think i'm going to have a feast.

Jamie Cullum - Twenty Something
The Calling - Two
Five For Fighting - The Battle For Everything
The Corrs - Borrowed Heaven
Avril Lavigne - Under My Skin
Usher - Confessions
Our Lady Peace - Happiness Is Not A Fish You Can Catch

these are the new albums i just laid my hands on.
well, i bought the 1st album on the list. read in between the lines. =p

hmmm... i have many other full albums which i have yet to burn on to CDs. thankfully mom stocked up on CDs. so i shall get down to expanding my collection again! yay! hahahaha, let me know if you want any of these CDs, i could burn a copy for you. =)

out for now. -drowining in all that music-

Blessed indeed many are, simply because of His presence.

ever taken a step back to consider how true God's presence is in the whole world? not just in your own life, not just in your school, family, church or nation for that matter?

the intertwining nature of all things came across me to as the very situation that proves God's working in all things, everywhere, anywhere.

His omnipresence, omniscience and omnipotence is more real to me today. it's so because of the nature of the book i'm reading. i'm currently on this book, "man and boy" by Tony Parsons, and it speaks of broken families. no it doesn't just speak of broken families, but that part stands out to me. especially so since i once dated a girl from a broken family. i'm starting to realise the real-ness of the hurt and pain, but also the firm-ness of love and sacrifice, that's so rampant even in 'developed and cultured' (yeah right!)societies like the States and Singapore.

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i noticed her silhouette behind the covers of the sun blockades. no doubt her features were more or less veiled by them as she descended along the flight of stairs, i couldn't help but hope it was her. i wasn't disappointed, and even till this day, it seemed to me at that instant like many others i have had, 'i've been visited by an angel'. just for a split second, yeah, but it was a beautiful moment.
i'm happy for now. thank you Lord for all you've given this morning =)

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a meeting will take place at 11am, and it's about CTC. the debrief. i hope it goes well, and i know meaningful things will come out it! =) yay. hmm.. maybe i'll pop by TM later on to see whether i might just decide to spend that money.

love is a many splendid thing..

some of you might find that line familiar. it came from moulin rouge, but i'm not going to go on about it tonight.

i just caught cruel intentions 3.
for those of you who have not caught CI1, go! if you liked it, then catch CI2, cause it's the prelude to CI1.
then on to CI3, for those of you who would know, the 2 step-siblings in CI1 ended up in their own fates, one dead, the other in a rehab centre. thus, CI3's about another pair of cousins, along with a friend.

i must admit, the sleeping around with everyone and anyone is still sick as ever, but that's not what i caught the show for. i realised that in all the parts, there was for a brief moment, a beautiful 15-20mins of (true) love between two individuals, captured in that perfect scenes of them just walking hand in hand, smiling at each other, etc. that's what made me enjoy the show so much.

some call this hollywood love, but yeah, that's them to it. and i'm not them. hahaha. true, i may be a sucker for love shows like these, but at least i believe, that there is love out there.

quoted from the show "if i died, and i could return for just one day, any day, it would be today". i hope i get to say that to the someone i love in future.

from a book i'm reading "and a photograph of our wedding day with her looking like the most beautiful girl in the world and me grinning like a happy, dopey bastard who never believed he could get so lucky.." -- something i hope i would view my wedding photographs as in future. i know i like loving, but i ain't so sure it's selfless love i think i'm ready for. i mean, if you want to do something, you might as well do it the best way huh.. so if i wanted to love someone, why wouldn't i want to love the person in the best way possible?

ok, i'm feeling sappy. but i'm feeling disappointed and melancholic too.
i hope to buy:
1. jamie cullum's new CD
2. Kenny G's - Classic in the Key Of G (this is a really old album, anyone got it?)
3. WIN tooling case

that's all for now folks. i need to study. i need to sleep, and i need more than ever to get things right with Him. hope they stay that way.

how a groggy morning put me to thinking

beware! this entry is going to be random. it's all about scattered thoughts, when put together, form yours truly for this moment.

Hillsongs - Hear Our Praises

Honesty is the best policy

i got this belief from a classmate whom i really thank the Lord for. we've grown much closer this year, because i changed my seat, and i'm thankful for the positive things that have come out of this change, but yes i do miss jeremy.

hmmm.. there should be absolute truth between two friends, and when that is in place, it would naturally stand the test of time, and trials due to other external factors like rumours so long effort is taken to maintain the friendship like any other relationship.

i've started to put aside the politics. the attempted-but-failed-disgustingly phrasing of speaking nicely to her.
i've started to use simple words, put together to form the simplest of sentences. without the politics, and thinking too much about the consequences of just being truthful. besides, what bad could come out of being truthful?
there evidently has been improvement from the last breakdown of the friendship, and i'm looking forward to us becoming even closer friends.
will get down to more sharing and truth bearing when the time is right. but for now, hope she has a great time in thailand. i really enjoyed myself when i was there.
to my other friend, hope you're having a great time in KL. come back soon the 2 of you, i'm missing you, and will miss you too.

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2 Chronicles 7:11-18

if a man's faith lied within another man, then fear not with hope that it might work, but fear surely that it would fail. for the only One who doesn't fail is God.
this is not the verse.
i've not been speaking to Him for 2 weeks now, even though i went over to LE last week.
i've spoken to two brothers, and i've learnt new things once again. i thank Him for them.
i know i ain't getting no where with what needs to be done, -that being my studies for now- till i get back the peace (Phil 4:6-7) that i once had with Him because i was by His side.

i'm going to stop this straying, i feel like a stray dog really. having no one to go back to when the idleness sets in. having no aim, and having no purpose in passing the time like that.
i shared once again with a brother that the only thing i have which is really mine, is my time. and people love others, when they give them their time. i know this brother loves me, even though it was only a couple of minutes. thank you H even though i know you probably won't read this. =p

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parents are leaving for penang today, hope they get there safely and have a great time together. i seriously think they need this time alone. a break from the the never-ending housework, and the work stress, esp dad. sigh. if there's one man who suffers in silence cause of love, it's daddy. that's why i've chosen to take a new view of housework. it's my way of expressing my love for my family members. and i want to do it with a smile. i've learnt to say thank you generously, and i want to get down to telling them i love them whenever i have the chance to. i do.
shaun will be going over on sat evening, and dad coming back on sunday evening. but mom and S will be there till thurs. hope the church camp works out for the good of the glory of God. may they be blessed =)
Jie, i don't know if you read this, but i hope you're doing fine over in aus. i know the 11th's your paper, will be praying for you. and i want to tell you i love you too. it never was in me to do it, but i do.

-back 25mins later-

i just bought lunch for my mommy, wanton mee. hahahaha. with lotsa green chilli. i think i got my liking of green chilli from her.
just hanged the clothes too. interestingly this time round much faster than the last. maybe cause mom taught me the last time round the 'right' way of hanging clothes, and also this time round there were more bathing towels in the washload. they hang easily =)

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handi's coming back on the 3rd!!!!!!!
yay!!!!!
hahahaha
cat high guys out there who read this, let's get together on that evening yeah? it's a saturday. =)

out for now. i need to... hmmm.. i don't know. i'll talk to God when i'm alone at home later on when mom leaves for the airport. don't want any disruptions. for now, will go relax =) do math later on too.

You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

enjoyable day it has been, really it has

well, i woke up at 1130am, after a really good and long night's rest, of i think like 13/14 hours?

washed up, used the computer for a while, and then mom decided to spend the afternoon with me, to shop for my Polo Tees. we went for good curry noodles downtown, and proceeded to Robinsons.

bought 6 new tops.
4 Polo Ts.
2 Shirts.
and the nicest buy of the day, my new timberland moccasins! yay! hahaha, been wanting a pair for quite some time now cause i don't have a nice pair of footwear that is shoe-like but doesn't require socks. walked into timberland today, saw it, liked it, there was my size, and mom bought it for me. yay! =)

thanks mom!

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caught Troy. alone.
i'm getting quite used (although it's only the 2nd time) watching shows alone.
some say it's a sad thing having to watch shows alone, but i don't think so, and i don't really think what they think matters to me at this point of time.

i must say, it was a good show, although indeed, it wasn't much about war, it was more about sex between people who had i must say pretty nice bodies.
that wasn't my point. i liked the granduer of the scenes. yeah. give it a 3.5 upon 5. nothing more than that.

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i miss an activity, and the person who takes part in that activity with me.
i ain't kidding, and i ain't sure i'm supposed to be feeling this way.

well well, that's that for now, i shall not entertain it anymore.

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a friend brought up the phrase, 'love hate relationship'
i have quite a bit to say about this, but will update later. for now, i need my shower, and then i need to start studying. yeah i NEED to, and i do want to =)

reflective updates

30/31052004

the morning started off at LE, haven't been there in quite a while now, almost 3 weeks i believe. but i was thankful i was back there.
came home for an afternoon of relaxation, tv, computer, and a 2 hour nap.
arranged an impromptu meet up with A, but the time shifted from 630 to after-SMT-finals-finish. so we only met up at 8, and surprisingly , played all the way till past midnight.
when i walked out of classic, i was telling myself, 'gosh, it's monday morning'
i should really restrain myself on sundays, didn't feel good to be out till that late anyway.

01/02062004

the afternoon started with a bus ride down to theQshop, and i spent about 1.5hours there. was still looking for my cue case. i don't think i would pay 6plus for a buffalo instroke lah, unless someone willingly sponsors me, which i doubt. haha. hmmm.. and i'm still thinking about the 3K1. need to discuss with samuel more about it.

took a train down to tanah merah, and i was early. 440, assuming the time was 5 as initially planned.
yongching came, and we both waited. it turned out that they had changed the time to 630, woah! only victor, he and i were not informed, and surprisingly, the three of us were the 3 'legs' of the planned mahjong binge at matt's place.
along came nerox who was early too, and the 4 of us started playing. managed to complete 3/4 a full game, (3 winds), and then we broke up for dinner. the food was hmm... ok. i wasn't really there for the food, more of the company. i remember the difference in feelings when i attended the first class bbq at nerox's place. hahaha, the vast difference!
hmm.. victor talked to me over the bbq, and as i mentioned in the earlier entry, i'm glad we talked. =)

well, the night truly started at 9pm. muahahaha. *evil laughter*
we started, and we never stopped till 2 full games were over. zhao zhi, matt, alvin, victor, roger and i were at matt's place till 345. alvin and matt were sleeping. haha. and we enjoyed ourselves. it was really a binge, and i was really happy.

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need to start studying. will do so. adios.

nerve and health wrecking these late nights are getting

hmmm.. i got home at 4plus, which is like half an hour ago.
from matt's place. played lotsa mahjong, but more importantly, i had a good time with my classmates. ok, not all of them, not even a few of them, but one in particular, and i'm thankful for what he shared about. i too will cherish this friendship =)

----------

hmmm.. okok, i really need to go sleep now, if not i would just continue coughing away like it's the norm to, and never recover.
i promise myself i would put an entry up about a reflection about the past three days. i need to. yeah. get in touch.

does a new experience with the old make it new?

well, it was definitely refreshing to be able to play with someone who actually understands the game so much better.
it helped that she had her own equipment, and she's a better than average player.
serious about her game, not just some social player who plays to look cool.
i was quite turned off by the two girls i saw playing whilst waiting for my table. sigh, but then again, i don't know them, and i can't judge.

hmmm.. should be playing tonight again. hope i can play well tonight again.
the left portion of my face's hurting behind the eye, some muscle cramp of some sort. darn.. it's better after the nap, but it's still contributing to the headache.

torrential blessings. i cannot imagine what it would be like for Noah's generation who never saw rain, and were warned that a great flood would arise from 40days and nights of rain. hmmm.. logic sometimes gets in the way, but maybe it was meant to do so, so that His glory can be manifested.

another week of lectures, darn. hope i can settle down quickly to study.
i must!

agreeing to disagree

what a joke,

that i ate lunch and felt full for dinner.
that i made a decision to join my close friends for a movie, and feel guilty for it.
that i bothered to reply a message even amidst the discomfort.
that i force myself to believe i'm happy with the way things are, when i'm downcasted everytime i realise the seconds ticking by, add on to the time length that i don't know how you're doing.

------------------------------------

shrek 2 was good.
the company was good, thank you ladies.
the funny scenes were really good, thank God for laughter, and for the means that i could have watched it.
next few movies on the WANTED list:
1. Van Helsing
2. Troy
3. The day after tomorrow

gosh, the first two are like OLD!!!!! but i still have not caught them.. and i wonder why..

-----------------------------------

thank You Lord for music, both christian and non-christian music.
the good oldies that sing of love,
the newer sappy ones like 'the reason' that sing of love too,
and the ones by your children singing about Your Love. =)

mom just bought me my new CD-Rs, good ones, cause i've learnt which ones to get, thankfully. hope they work even better with my player this time, not like the Sony ones. i mean, they're ok for normal CDs and for those who can't hear the difference in their music, but i can, and it matters to me. so i'm thankful. yes.
i've been listening to my music at 40% the volume. need to preserve my hearing.
i'm going deaf with my drumming according to some people, and some personal observation.

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if this portion speaks to you, please respond, either here or in your own updates.
you surprised me plesantly before, by replying to this question i once asked.
i ask it once again, in hope that you would respond.
do you still read these updates?

i learnt that something did happen, and things weren't right for you, no particular idea about what exactly though, that's why i tried calling to ask. didn't get through then, still haven't gotten through up till today. i don't want to force you to tell me your problems, neither do i want to force you to talk. i ask to know whether you're doing fine, but i realise that too ain't my right. you don't owe me the knowledge of your well-being. the choice is yours. i am upset about this friendship, or rather the lack of growth of it. if you're busy, i understand. but if you're telling me you wish to stop participating in this friendship, then please let me know.

----------------------------------

2 more days of school, and then the break. but since the first week's going to be back in school, make that another 10 days then. haha.
hmmm.. i have to report for TAF twice a week in the holidays at 7am. gosh. but oh well...
i cleared my NAPFA!!! hahaha yay!! praise the Lord =)
but i think i'll be retaking it in july again to do better.

pride comes before a fall, i understood that in the small lesson You taught to thwart my ego about my running. it ain't fantastic, no doubt it's better than average, or the expected, but it's still got room for improvment, and absolutely no room for such pride. thank you Lord.

---------------------------------

that's all folks for now, dinner, and tuts, and QT! yay!
**looking forward to joining izzy at LE again this week, finally get to go back there after 3 weeks of unexpected plans, and duties back at KPC.

my imagination runs, wild maybe for that matter, but it's got no right to in the first place.
i can't help that it hurts, when you act the way you do.
it's you being you, and that's why i accept it.
in a friend's words, doing something right doesn't mean you have to feel good about it.
it's this case. you see, the right thing to do, would be to accept, leave you alone, and just step aside, in hope that i could inch closer if circumstances allow it in future. yeah, that's what i try to do, but whether i feel good about it, is another thing.

it hurts, it really does.
panadol, ponstan, and painkillers, can put me to sleep, but why do i need sleep when the pain's only painful when i'm awake?

bridges are built to bridge gaps, as words are spoken to bring points across

although i'm still on MC officially today, and i ain't feeling exactly fine, i'm really glad i made the decision to go down to school today, and get my blazer for the choir concert.

i was happy to be of help to the choir, i did it for my friends, and because duty called, but nevertheless, the smiles made it all worth while.

after the concert, was the most enjoyable part of my evening. it was a short time as compared to the long day i had, but nevertheless, it was the most cherished moment of the day. =)
a flash, smiles, and a moment captured in time.
thank you.
it was my pleasure to carry your stuff for you in view that you were all dolled up, hope the persistence the second time i offered didn't turn you off.

it's been another day i must thank the Lord for, for all that has happened, and all that hasn't.

to you, yes you, goodnight and sweet dreams =)

night people

asking need not always end with recieving

ask and you shall recieve.
no, i asked, thrice (up till date lah), and i never did recieve, not that receiving in this context is of much relevance.

ok, i'm misquoting the Word, but yeah, it's for comic relief. spare me the preaching about it if you're thinking of lecturing me on this yeah?

i'm listening to 92.4FM nice music lah. soft and quiet.
hmmm.. had dinner with a friend near my place today. was quite surprised actually. didn't really plan for it, she just happened to be in the area, that's why.

my knees have been re-busted, and my nafa's like next tuesday. i'm so dead. =\ hope the weekend would allow me to rest it.

another day

haha, there's a song by Lene Marlin with this title, but no, i'm not going to type out the lyrics, and neither was i thinking about this song.

it's another morning, one that i woke up to.
it's another blessing, a manifestation of His grace,
that i should recieve another 24hours worth of sunshine, fresh air, love, friendship,
alongside the same 24hours worth of stress, fatigue, anger, tension, and unpleasantries,
but one compliments the other,
for what would the day be without the night?
or darkness without the presence of His light?

thank you Lord for the week being what it has been =)

haircut appointment with Fiona
pool
movie with lump (maybe we'll be spotted together by norman and he'll start screaming) hahaha
and dinner with a few people whom i cherish (don't know who'll be there though; the queen's going, piglet's mother's bday though, lump's going, don't know about the rest)

just had a good breakfast with my brother. =)

that's all for now.

what really matters

the people/things that can get you the most worked up, upset, or emotionally charged up, are those you hold closest to your heart.

the value you place upon these people/things, is what makes them who they are to you. so don't be upset that you're angry with someone or be unhappy as a result of someone being unwell. read between, and beyond the lines. it shows that you truly care for them, and that they do actually mean quite a bit to you.

it was a case of miscommunication, and a friend heard wrongly, but i ain't going to deny that it did affect me as a whole.

haha, i failed my 2BL5 assessment test, but what i learnt after that made the failure seem miniscule. hahaha.. =) yay!

i'm on to a section of the night i'm happy about, talking to Him, after which i would do my tuts. have all 3 subs to do, but i'm putting physics last today. hahahah =p

short and sweet, that's what i hope this entry would be.

i'm talking to Him again, and i'm really happy about it! =)
i've started writing again, not coming up with fantastic poems and what not, but just writing to myself in my journal. the pen and paper style you know? =)
i'm running lots, but i'm happy. hope to do well for NAFA, and need to lose more weight.
tired, but will keep going.
need to take my vitamins and supplements regularly man.
have been practising on my piano, glad i'm doing so.

night earth

saying sorry when you have to makes it all better. learn to throw your pride away, and things get settled easier, because then you're slow to anger, quick to listen, and willing to accept other viewpoints.

the last time i said sorry, was about 2 hours ago to my dad. this apology wasn't an easy way out to just escape the threats, and to ease this tension at the moment. it was made after thought. i know i was in the wrong, and i wanted to do something about it.
i've been selfish, no doubt about it.
i also said sorry to Him today, and i had a good part of the day in LE today.
i'm thinking, and i'm asking for directions.

here's the plan for certain things for now:
1. i'll do my QT everyday, starting at about 930 give and take. i've not been close to Him, that's probably why everything's out of order. it's chaotic.
2. 4 times practise on the piano at least weekly, 25-30mins per session. need to stop wasting money going for lessons and not practising.
3. will help out with the clothes on fri, sat and sunday evenings. this is the minimum. yeap.

i understand how love for your family can drive you to do things for them, even though it's contrary to what's been agreed upon, even when your well-being's being infringed upon. i didn't learn that through first hand experience, i learnt it through the tears my dad shed.

so many things i must admit, that need to be done, but seriously, i don't think any of them are as important as the few that really do matter.
i need to start talking to Him again, spending time in this relationship can only be right.
i need to start loving again, not myself, but others.
i need to get my work back into a disciplined routine.

i guess with this 3things in place, the other parts of my life would more or less fall into place. friends are included in that 2nd point. =) and the people i love more so too.

dinner, and then on to the part of the evening, which i'm looking forward to. time to go at my tuts, and spending time with Him. =)

lots to say, more to hear, and even more to think about.

i have always believed that most knowledge is gained from reading. that was what drove me to start reading when i was young. i ain't as much into reading as my sister is, i think she's the benchmark. and i ain't kidding about her being good in english.

i've read some stuff, and it's invoked feelings in me i can't describe.
i've listened to some music, which has caused me to feel quite sappy, and sad.
i've gone through my day's worth of activities, and with today's, i feel _______. i don't have a word for it, i'm sorry. i played pool, it was good. i watched a show, it was enjoyable. i don't want to rate the movie, but i do know that i felt good spending that time. i'm reminded that the only thing i really own, is my time. maybe it's cause i ain't giving enough time to my family, that's why they hate me, and that's why they're treating me this way. i've always thought that i've been blessed with a good family, i still think so, but i'm starting to think maybe it would be better off without me. i'm not suggesting i run away, and no, i'm not being pessimistic, or cynical for that matter. it's just that i've seen that i'm a blot on a white sheet, and it would be more beautiful without me. call it running away? i don't know, it's up to you if you want to judge.
i wrote stuff today, and it's got me thinking. i hope i'll write more.

i'm tired, i'm very tired.
night earth.