thrice and counting.
when the counting stops, the breathing will too.

familarity breeds contempt

when you realise nothing really belongs to you

i'm living on borrowed time.
twice today i could have gone home to God.
i wonder why i didn't, it sure would taken the pain out of many things.

once again proven as many times before,
walking away and keeping quiet saves you all that pain and hurt.
it really does. i'm not so sure it's the orthodox method,
but hey, whatever works.

no, i've not had a bad day, i'm having one.
i don't sing a song to make it better, but yeah, i do ride around.

rewind, replay, revisit

it's back to the basics.

A
B
C
1
2
3

learning to smile once again like i used to when i was a kid.
i hope i still remember.

tonight's win was a morale booster. but it was also a test of many things within me. it could have been better. nevertheless, i'm grateful.

when you don't bother anymore, it speaks alot.
phone calls, sms-es, or simple sweet nothings, it's the little things that count.

well, i guess priorites are in the constant state of changing, so i don't hold it against you that you've changed, just don't hold it against me that i do too.

i've cut off alot. from everyone. it was subconcious, it was because i didn't want to be seen for my weaknesses, i only wanted to be known for my strengths. i miss the warmth though. i miss terms of endeavours that hung on my lips. for what it's worth, i do miss you.

till then, it's not in the doing, it's in the heart.

W.W.J.D

after having been exposed to so many years of bitterness, i'm suddenly presented a chance of reconciliation, what do you think i would do?
well, one thing i must say though, i am a little torn in between, but i believe the guiding light must be God, for only what He would do is what i must and should do.
Lord, please pave the way for me in this matter.

FU 8228 B
that's it. yeap.
i must learn to be contend. in this light, i know it will be tough, especially after a year's time, but nevertheless, all things can be cultivated.

i'm thankful for whatever's happened today.
that i recieved my gift, that i got to see you just for that half hour, and for everything else that's happened in the day.
i truly am. thankful.

when the world moved on, i don't say i chose to walk against the flow, i just came to a standstill.

i took time off to take things in differently from i would in the rush of things.
i've re-shifted my priorities, and value of the things i once cherished have been altered.

on the cool side, i passed my driving test. yes, i'm unlearning to walk, it's really quite addictive. i must imagine what goes on in a baby's brain when he first learns to walk.
"i wanna walk.. i wanna move towards that green toy, i want to... *stumbles*.. "
hahaha.. and here i am,
"i don't wanna walk.. i wanna drive there.. i wanna be on my wheels once again.."

on the cooler side, i've got my bike traffic police test this thurs, it's way early in the morning, please pray for me all those whom i can bless as a result of being allowed by the law to bike around. and for those i can't bless directly as a result of that license, please pray for me all the same? =) at least for safety.. hehehe..
i'm thinking, they're just waiting to give it to me.. i just have to put up a good show in the 40mins that those 10 pairs of eyes are staring at me along the designated route.

on the way cool side..ange's back, not for long though, till the 31st only. i think i'll go meet her for supper later.

ok, on the not so cool side, i'm on 3 months excuse from IPPT and physical activities in the SAF because i'm due for a checkup on my PES status. i think i'm downgrading, that's if i can convince the Medical Officer (most likely an NSF as myself) that i ain't going to suck it up and endure the pain as a result of having to train for IPPT, as my NS term is coming to an end. yes, it means that i'll probably never get to go for advancement courses in my NS and that i'll be stuck as a LTA, but oh well, i ain't about to bust my knee cause of the few bouts of 21days ICT that i would wear my rank again.

ok that pretty much sums up what's been happening.
no, do not be deluded that my life's only this much. hahaha, and no i do not profess to be the center of your life, but i know who's the center of mine =)

My faithful Father, enduring Friend
Your tender mercy’s like a river with no end
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your presence
I stand in wonder once again

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
Each day I fall on my knees
Your grace still amazes me
‘Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Saviour, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You, Lord, what can I say
I know there’s no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

It’s deeper, it’s wider
It’s stronger, it’s higher
It’s deeper it’s wider
It’s stronger, it’s higher
than anything my eyes can see

when i ....

am unable to sleep not knowing you're home because it's past midnight,
get a sick feeling in my gut when i cannot say for sure you're doing ok,
pray feverntly each day that the Lord is giving you comfort inspite of the lessons He wishes to teach,
and yearn for time to past quickly when you're doing something you're not enjoying but for it to come to a standstill when i see you smile,

i know i've fallen..
in love with you.

i love you.

I am God.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine. Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them.

upcoming dates to take note of:

1 Jul 06 - SAF day.
2 Jul 06 - KPC Youth Led Sunday Service.
18 Jul 06 - Class 3 Traffic Police Test date.
27 Jul 06 - Class 2B Traffic Police Test date.

did i miss out anything? oh yeah, 6 Nov 06 - ORD!!!!!!! hahahahahaha

due to the lack of vitamins as such i have decided on some changes.
vit C: i shall take orange juice tomorrow, and afternoon too (hopefully the fruits stall is opened when the guys go out to buy afternoon snack)
vit E: i shall run more, or just take bike lessons in the 10-12 slot, and end up burning my forearms, cause the sun burns when you're caught in a jam, which is quite typical of when attempting the U-turn in Ubi.
vit M: i will not be getting the XL 125, decided to get something with a little more horsepower and a smaller chassis. as papa said, it's the land of the rising sun that makes better automobiles in this class in terms of performance and economics. sure, we ain't talking of 1000Cc aprilla bikes, but at general consumers level such as ourselves, honda jap bikes would do fine for now. CBR150 - here i come.

as much as i hate to admit it..

i am wearing thin.
i am trying to take on too many changes at one go.
i am being too ambitious,
and plain foolish to think that drowning myself in activities,
or by simply being busy with the things that get me by in life,
i can ignore that i'm growing weary inside,
that i will always fall short of standards,
and that simply put,
i'm human.

i feel defeated. i truly do.

it's no wonder i walk out so easily

sometimes it's the things that we are most comfortable with,
the things we think we can seek comfort from,
and the things that we take for granted in life that distract us.

my room has:
a bed,
the laptop corner,
a desktop,
the never-ending shelves of books,
my pool cues,
and the list goes on.

it comes to a point where i sometimes have to detach myself from this room, and move to quieter corners of the ever-so-congested house like the dining room - which has just recently been cleared up because mama shifted the computer into her room - to do my quiet time. the things which i've come to be ever so familiar with like my computers, sometimes i feel pull me away from what i'm supposed to do; spending time with God, and it's no wonder why i am so comfortable with the idea of just picking up the keys to the house and walk out, yes impromptu outings that would give me short snippets of time during bus and train rides, for my mind to reflect, or just to be still as the world goes by. in my room, my activities keep me going, so much so that i am never still, so much that i never quieten down to listen, to hear, His soft small voice.

one step closer to the edge

nah.. closer to getting my 2B license. heheh, i cleared lesson 7!!!! yay! so now i'm on lesson 8, and i'm expecting positively to do that lesson twice, after which if i pass, then i can book my TP test. heehee. i can really consider the bike now, and i'm still working out how much i would like to pay for my bike if mom or dad aren't happy about the price of the bike i wish to get.

here's the baby i wanna get =)


hopefully mama doesn't jump at the price we're going to have to fork out, but since i spoke to Barry about installment plans, and how the difference compared to cars is very very huge - which is a good thing - so i think she'll probably soften up. heehee

i'm stuck at home on a sunday morning/afternoon because i'm supposed to be at work, but i'm on medical exmeption from work due to a nose that runs/leaks, and a throat that is sore.

as i'm checking up some biblical facts online, i'm watching the WC'06 breakfast show. i'm amazed at how the world comes together to watch an event like these in a fever, one that burns so hot i wonder would there ever be a time when people would be ever so passionate for God.

well, as all questions should start, i ask, wherein lie my role. what can you do to play your part? what can we do together to inch closer towards a reality as such?

justice is needed here!

please bug me to put into writing what i've gone through this week with God. it would be too much of a waste to let it be eroded with time in memory.

i must capture the lessons learnt, that i might relook at them every now and then.

i have a disturbingly blatant inability to:

1. swallow my pride/contain the criticism,
2. love people the way Jesus would,
3. put into action head knowledge that proves easier to merely understand.

For starters, let's work on making it less blatant.

~For a man is made inward out, and actions would speak of the true state of the soul contained within~

my eyes are tired, tired from that saturation of those familiar colours; yellow, blue, red, pink, orange, green, brown, black and then yellow with white.

well, the hectic schedule is underway now, so be it. i'm not affected by the work, somehow the adrenaline just pumps and after i hand over, my whole mental and emotional self just collapses. i'm missing You, and you too. some might say i'm choosing to spend too much time with my spliced-baby, but it's my alternative. trust me, if i really had the choice, i would be spending time with you.

i'm tired. i was so tired last night my legs were cramping up just walking to my bathroom from my bedroom. i hope the sleep last night did me good. i'm sure the racket downstairs that celebrates someone's entry to hell isn't doing me any good, it's irritating.

random accomplishments or the lack of them

well... i've:

1. hoover the living room area, haven't done up the whole house yet
2. ran today, feeling good about it, not eaten much today either
3. cleared my DVD serial all the way till the last episode
4. gotten my teams more or less settled, less a few souls who aren't convicted which areas to serve

but.. i've not:
1. settled mama's mobo problem
2. returned Shaun the 50bucks i owe him, cause he's been away (he's coming back in an hour)
3. work for the past 6 days, looking forward to going back so as to clear this cycle so that sat can come quickly. i'm looking forward to it for 2 major reasons, one cause i would get to spend time with love ones over lunch, and cause i would get to serve this month on the drums. i'm going to clean up the cymbals with the new toy i got too.. hehehe, i'm excited
4. gone for biking/driving lessons for some time now; the next one's 211615H May 06.

things i have to do:

1.hoover the whole house, including all the cushions - which would probably take 3 hours or more when mom and shaun are gone, so i intend to do it on thurs morning before night shift.

2. prepare my bible study for my kids although i won't be seeing them this week, it's really talking to God and reading His word i want to do.

3. pray lots.

incessant talk

and no conclusion. that's the worst kind of gathering anyone can go through.

hmmm.. differences will always be there. whether or not to let them complement each other, or to result in conflict, yes indeed the choice is ours.

oh well, i've had enough differences for a week. leave me alone.

the greatest thing you'll ever learn...

is to love and be loved in return.

time.. where did it all go?

ok, here's a heads up for what's to come in the near future.

18 Jul Class 3 Traffic Police Test - AKA driving license test date.
May to June - Class 2B lessons and gearing up for TP.

things to take note of:

Call uncle Meng Kim about 50th anniversary celebration.
Email KuoYong about pubs team for Youth-led service.
Talk to Shaun about YLS after his exams on wed (next week), before he leaves for China.
Lotsa prayer for the new agendas/rules/disciplines set in place.

i ask myself where all my time's gone.. *points finger*.. there it is..

words vs actions; apology vs amendments

i'm not about to give a lecture on this.
i've not such interest to.

i have learnt, that in times like these as often, an apology might expedite the reconciliation, but when i ain't exactly in desperate need of it, i rather work on the actions that should happen after the apology rather than waste my time, energy, emotions and what not trying to anticipate the right moment to apologise.

cleared my load of clothes that required to be pressed, won't need to mop the floor till next week, and till then, don't expect anymore from me as i won't from you either.

i bled my emotions for this courage, and it was a poor substitute, but it was the best i could give..

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

wishful thinking.
a fragment of imagination.
maybe a dream?
or an illusion i hoped to be real.

standards are relative and subjective,
governed only by those who set and agree to abide by them.
so if society were only made up of two people,
would the law ever be fair?
would they ever come to agree on what can be the law?

i'm sorry i couldn't do anything to stop you from crying.

do we never allow ourselves to ponder about the worst possibilities in every possible circumstance simply because we don't want them to happen?
if that is true, then is it because we do not think about them that these outcomes do not come true?

i wanted to ask my friend what would be her greatest disappointment towards her boyfriend, but then i realised, she might not have an answer readily because she does not want to think of being disappointed with him in that magnitude, thus i withheld the question. i threw the question back at myself, and i found out too, i could not answer it, for likewise, i had not given it such thought, and i was not eager to.

i do not for one second doubt that God knows what would caused Him to be the most disappointed with us, and because he does know, it only shows He has given it thought.

not in any way did He require to think about it to know the answer since He is all-knowing, but it stands out like a sore thumb amongst all the rest who have not thought about things as such with regards to their love ones, that we have not thought about it, thus we have no idea of how we will prevent circumstances from getting to that stage, or worse still, how we (those who do not think about such things) would react should the worst actually be reality one day.

ok, i've decided i want to put it out of my mind.

i'm going to spend the day wisely. of which the Lord has claim over a portion over.

i am upset.
i am upset about being upset.
and i am upset because it was a movie, that reflected reality. i think romantic passion as such is what causes many to give themselves away freely to each other nowadays, and because it is glamourized and well sought after by many with the mindset that it's to be yearned for, i am upset.

i sighed a breathe of my soul away into nothingness..

no prizes for guessing

try in all your knowledge of how i would react - with your absolute understanding of me as a friend - to the following:

a hollywood-ed, romanticized love story of Tristan and Isolde.

if you still don't get the flow, let me spell it out. i am disgusted. please do not waste your money watching it, or your time for that matter.

i realised if there's one arena of my life in which i still judge, it's movies. and trust me when i say i'm not sorry that i do. for i judge only to know what's right or wrong, or simply put, what He would have me watch, or otherwise.

i'm grieved at the words she used, that degradation of love, and the abomination in which the script was written, quoting the source of love to be God. sickly twisted. arGh!

if the question in your mind at this point in time is,
"why's he so worked up about the show?"
give me a ring on my cellphone if you have the answer, cause i don't, although i think it's cause i'm upset.

dreams

i used to think they rob me of proper rest.

not untill i starting dreaming pleasant dreams.

but should that change with a nightmare?

i ain't clear. it was but a dream.

toast, butter and jam.
i had that for dinner.
yummy. i ain't being sarcastic here.
hmmm.. alright, so ange's off once again. she'll be back sometime in july hopefully. that's if her papa's not bent on bringing them all to shanghai or thailand since her sister wouldn't be able to make it anyway.

i will excuse myself from conversation of any sort in future should i feel uneasy about the content on which the group has unaimously decided to charter it's chatters upon.

it's off to another 12 hours of work, solo night shift. muahahaha, at least i'll get to work on my own stuff throughout the night should the sitrep be quiet. i hope it is. when it's over, it'll then mean that i'll have to rush home to sleep so that i won't crash the vehicle later on in the day when i go for driving, and then it's on to picking up Rachel from true way. trust me, if there's one thing that makes me happy, it's her =)

it still amazes me how obstinate one can be. it's as though liquid metal was inject into the sides of the brain and immediately cooled to harden, thus ensuring that nothing else get in - not discounting the fact that it probably was pretty empty to begin with -. that is pure stubborness.

they think it's cool, i'll leave them be.

that shall be my tag line, my little excuse to not ponder any longer than i should about people whose actions i disagree with, and i deem not the norm. i realise it's really pointless saying or doing anything unless the person's heart wants to hear or recieve whatever one attempts to do.

gosh, i'll faint in exhaustion one day if i try to be Mr Nice to everyone. i think some young punks ought to learn it the hard way. let's just hope conscription does it's well known job of changing boys to men. as far as i see it, it hasn't worked for our dearest subject.

arGh. enough said and done for now. goodnight.

it was nice of you to tell me, thank you.

i sure hope dreams do come true.

and the day went by like this..

it started out with waking up to a morning of Otah Bun which mama made with love. it was really spicy, but nevertheless i finished it cause mama made it for me =) thank you mom *hug

then it was on to more sleep, but i was woken up by mommy telling me she was leaving the house and i had to close the windows should it rain. the moment she stepped out, keys outside the door jingled again and i thought she forgot something. it was Shaun though. he had returned from an apparently early day in school. he watched tv for a solid 2 hours or so before switching it off and lying in bed for his afternoon slumber. my my my.. i wonder how he's tackling his exams. passed him his keypad (which happened to cost a bomb for a keypad), of which i got for him since he wouldn't use his white cover unless he's got the matching keypad, and it's true that the white cover's nicer.

i intend to redo my wish list.. i'm staving off the D70s for 2 months. due to financial constrain, and other priorities.

MOTOSLVR 7 is probably the next phone i'm going to get, either that or the SAMSUNG D600. but till then, i'll be content with my nokia6100 cause sms'ing with it is really easy.

hmmm... maybe i'll say more later, but then again, maybe i won't.

PS: laser mouse technology's good. i like my new Microsoft Laser 6000 =)

pessimism, out of the window.
optismism, let's keep that for God's work for now.
neutral & believing for us. Matt 19:26

thank you for wanting it to be so.
*hug*
i love you Rachel. =)

it's been quite a while now.
let me see, what has happened.

i'm now allowed to take day offs on my night watch should KH be willing to stand in (we alternate as regularly as possible but in view of his NDP training we get maybe 2 or 3 cycles in a row) so that leaves me with actually 3 days of rest after 1 day watch sporadically.

i've finished HMS UNSEEN. quite a good book. will get more Patrick Robinsons' books. at least they don't bore me to death in the attempt to not waste money by gobbling of text literally. i get the picture of literal gluttony when i do that. pun intended.

well, i have witnessed how friends can choose to forgive for the sake of the friendship, ones in which they choose to believe is worth the bearing of sorrow and pain for.

till there's more to update, i just not waste anymore time.

this one's for you darling.

it was a new experience. really plesant one though. =)

inaugural meeting. interesting lovely project we've got there going on. i mean it. and that you chose to include me in it, i'm honoured. thank you.

makan was yummy as usual. not to mention healthy too. heheh.

--------------------

it's off to arab street this morning. yay i get to spend time with you. =)

so much happened, so much happening.
but i'm lagging with updates, both on my blog and in my journal.
reading and writing are 2 simple pleasures i miss.
bought a new book. hope to re-start the cold reading engine.
and to shift up the gear on writing once again.
it's beendragging on for too long.

"i don't remember being sad sad once in all this while. i've been sad cause you were sad, i've been sad cause i was worried for you, i've been sad cause i've been worried about us, and i've been sad cause of those around us. but i've been happy with you. i have."

unity and peace

comes not with consensus on what's right or wrong, but rather with each and every soul willing to be wrong first, that we might revisit the issue with a softer approach such that strife and dissension may be avoided.

to absorb without holding grudges.
something i've learnt in theory before, something i learnt today in practical. twice.

it hurt, but yes, i'll take it. and maybe someday when the need arises, i'll let you know.

with that aside, i've decided either to re-pick up either the guitar or the keyboard. which will it be? that's all there is left to decide upon.

lovely and precious you are..

i hope the day had cheered you up.
you asked why we bothered with the morning stunt, i could in all honesty tell you we both simply wanted to see you smile, and we hoped to be there in this period of which we know has been painful.
we love you. i know that, and i know you do to.

------------------------

1988.
1 x 2Gb high-speed card.
1 x 1Gb high-speed card.
1 x Lowepro bag that stores up to 4 lenses including the body.
1 x tripod
1 x software that would be useful for sorting photos, i don't need it for editing, i've got photoshop.

but i think i'll pay this price: patience.

children.. officers.. and love ones.

boys and girls have to at some point in time understand that their emotional attachment to people or favourite hobbies are but themselves learning to understand and accept that they were created to be feeling beings, and that these feelings were put in them to express their love for the one who put them there; God. it's only beyond this point that boys and girls, mature to be men and women; children of God.

come what may, in friendship and love, so long we understand that although the perfect is an unattainable benchmark, trying to get there is what makes it all worthwhile. friends, thank you for being yourselves, and i thank God for you.

have spoken quite a bit to ky, hope that the next time i meet him, i can bring news of positive updates, and that we would continue to learn from each other, as iron sharpens iron.

ops orders were meant to be carried out, not questioned.

kickoff; touchdown

i do not play, watch, or appreciate NFL.

stepped in and saved the day, but once again i say amen and it's still raining you never left my side..... though my heart is torn, i'll praise you in this storm...

the wee hours of 3rd march marked many things for me.
i don't remember crying in the past... i lost count.
strength in crying.. it's interesting and foreign to me at this point to me.
those are things i don't know.
things i know, i don't like this cynicsm.
i do not appreciate that i am capable of such bitterness.
i agree that it's not right to be skeptical just cause i'm hurt.
and it doesn't hurt that much to go down on knees to apologise, it's just getting real with yourself.

-----------------------------

Alphonsues, Brenda and Charlene are from my church. i love them.
Robyn, Sarah and Timothy are from this church. i don't hate them, i find it really easy to disregard their existence at this point in time.
my church... is... this church.
so why the difference?

----------------------------

the above was an illustration, and has got no bearing on any characters living or dead.

all aspects i look at it with the 2 decades i've had on earth, whether math or scientifically, logically or even emotionally, i'm unable to mark out the black and white.
whether like a butcher with his cleaver that severs bone from cartilage, or a neuro-surgeon with his scalpel dissecting flesh from tissue, i cannot find that definite line where to lay the blade.
and i've realised why.
because beneath all that's made by Him, runs His blood, and for that, in all differences, there is grounds for similarity.
you are my family.
i cannot hate you, i must not.
Lord, help me learn this truth.

kickoff was when Life was breathed into us, the game ends and the stadium empties the day He comes home. the game that goes on, is one with panting, blood, sweat, tears, a broken jaw or two, one too many fractured bones, and stress to our bodies. Every now and then the Referee calls a foul, or which one side would cheer, and the other would swear. at the end of each touchdown, there's a side that wins, and the other that loses. which would we all be when the floodlights go out?

pain is but one of the many gifts from God

he said pain is good, cause it helps you remember you're still alive.

it was true, cause i know i'm alive and kicking, as you are breathing and living.

so real, and yet so real.

we're in this together, like it or not, but i'm guessing to a great extent you do, since we're in this together =p

and for what it's worth, i do love you.

thank you all

thank you.
thank you.
thank you.
thank you.
thank you.

thank you all for the lovely small round cake, the huge brown heart with my name on it, the bag (it rocks by the way, Feri fits in in perfectly) for the companionship over dinner, the friendship, and the love you've all shared.

it's 5 thank you's up there, one for each of you, and the last THANK YOU goes to the biggie up there, who's given this all to us. i really hope the dinner i chose to buy you all instead of going dutch would ease you all up on eating toilet paper and drinking water. -hugs-

on the day i'm king, i get to iron your shirt for you.

i'm thankful for that experience.

i hope to go through certain experiences, but they'll only comme to past when they do.

i'll just keep praying.

things and people to keep in prayer - that list keeps growing.

and who ever said this world was a peaceful one?


no.
no it isn't.
no it ain't.
period.

renevatio

rebirth

i re-powered up the lifebook after what seemed like eons, and it's where i'm padding out this entry.

thank you all for the birthday wishes.

i'm choosing to believe it's a happy day cause i'm king. at least for today.

only the guilty defend themselves

i choose to believe you can take me for my word at it.

i wanted to rebutt your defense, but i saw no point.
it ain't about your beliefs, it ain't about the points you and i choose to make, and neither is it about him in any way. it's about Him.

i was hurt when you retorted the way you did, or at least i took it as a retort. the reply was lightning quick and swift like well trained reflexes. and i thought it could only be like that because you had given lots of thought to it, and i should credit you for that. it showed that you didn't go ahead with your decision in the blur of emotions like many others tend to.

there would come a day where misunderstandings would be cleared up because when we're home with Him, he would help us understand all that we don't to the best of our abilities since we are limited and He's not. i'm praying that day would come soon, i've got my own questions.

thank you for loving me

thank you for talking,
thank you for hearing me out.
thank you for wanting me to have good things too,
thank you for comforting me.
thank you for the way you hold my hand when we walk,
thank you for the sharing the warmth of your family love,
and thank you for loving me.

of the list i posted 2 entries back, i've not gotten a single thing.

haven't been shopping and pampering myself in view of the no.1 thing i want on that list - of which i've more or less decided to christian Zecariah - but the others i don't see the immediate need to have anyway.

i don't need to carry Feri around very much now, so crumpler can wait.

i don't see the need for the iPod plug in, cause i don't drive, and i'm kidding myself saying i could make use of it in the living room area or the other radios around in the house. the key point is, i could. i don't.

i don't need the new shoes now, the weather's been fine, and i'm lazy to go down to queensway to get it. not alone anyway, and since no one wants to go, i'll use that as an excuse to save money. interesting point to note though, that simple shops like bata down at century square also has pretty nice designs. i'm only worried about comfort though. Shaun's got a really nice pair from Nike, but that wasn't from Singapore, so yeah, no need to entertain that thought now anyway.

well, i did get some stuff though. a new Nalgene bottle, it's nice, and it's blue. it's the prettier of the two colours. the other's pale green. if only they had red. i would have jumped on it.

i wasn't kidding with mom when i told her i wanted to earn 5Million dollars by the time i'm 35. and i could tell she wasn't kidding either when she replied. i would seriously consider those options. but it's not going to be easy with my schedule.

i wasn't surprised when she told me also yesterday in the car that she would go if jie gets her PR, since there is nothing here that would hold her back. with extended family like that, with the exception of a few good friends that the Lord has blessed her with, i don't see why she would want to stay either. if she goes, and Shaun and i are left here. i would be in Uni, with Shaun in NS by the time she actually goes over, -earliest that is- yes that would be interesting.

been so far away.
and i'm going to visit a place this saturday, a place i used to be so frequently there, almost family.
i hope it goes well.

i've got more to say, but i just don't feel compelled to type it out.

would you believe it if i told you i was crying within?

i'm fat.

and i'm silent because i'm hearing things.

some of what i hear makes me think,

other things make me cringe,

and yet, still others make me sigh and cry.

good night.

here's the list (if you're interested to help me strike things off, let me known asap =])

1. Nikon D70s
2. TuneCast FM Mobile Transmitter - but i don't like the one with the wire that sticks out, anyone know where to get the one that sits nicely on the top of your ipod?
3. Crumpler 17" laptop bag for my ferrari (the lime green one!)
4. khaki coloured shoes that can stand the wet weather (most probably Vans)

that's it for now, i believe. i am saving up for all these, ain't getting papa or mama to buy them for me. i feel a little queasy that they're already paying for my driving and biking lessons.

do remind me to breathe the next time that happens again.. or i might end up really blue-faced =p

i ain't a candy shop thief.
but i stole something, and i found it really sweet.
for those of you who know me,
i surprised myself at the liking of the saccharine after taste.

something that crossed my mind suddenly. random. darling, is your Adium still giving you the problems?

point to remember

a good song to test your stero speakers/headphones is Dishwalla - Somewhere in the middle

hokkien noodles vs chicken pies

frankly, on normal days for dinner, i rather eat what you have, and only on special occassions like CNY, we can have traditional chinese food like the dishes we cooked. we'll do so together hey? =) i miss you lots, do come home soon.

i think like that song, i'm running, it might be fast really, but in the wrong direction. and i'm getting my basics of running wrong. i ain't in a sprint race, i'm in a race for life. so that means it's a long distance run. with that in mind, i must also take into consideration that i ain't doing what everyone who runs need to do. i ain't breathing. i'm not getting my oxygen. i'm not taking in the neccesities to run the race. it's no wonder i fight so hard with myself to do what i want to do; run this race.

my heart is captivated Lord by you alone,
captured by the awesomeness of You alone,
melted by the grace and mercy you have shown,
i stand in wonder,

i reach to You the one who makes the blind eyes see,
who breaks the chains of sickness with authority,
restoring what was broken,
so it may fly again.

i live to worship you,
i breathe to worship you,
all of my days,
your face i will see,
for as i worship you,
you lead to that place,
to that place,
of divine exchange.

-----------------------

it's really tough.
i'm fighting, with no one but myself.and it sucks, because my fists don't make contact with anything, and i don't get to push that anger out. but i stop and ask myself, like a dumb fool all this while,what's the getting angry for?
who's the anger directed to?
and what in the world are you angry about?

then i look and realise, it's precisely these things i do,
that i must do in quiet submission and with a willing heart,
that i might say i love those who i do it for.

Lord please help me.

Flinch

intr.v. flinched, flinch·ing, flinch·es
To start or wince involuntarily, as from surprise or pain.
To recoil, as from something unpleasant or difficult; shrink

-----------------------------------------------------------

shhhhhhhhhhhhhh... let's keep it between ourselves =)

i apologise that i kept you awake by nudging you consistently. i'm sorry.

i'm thinking of reading up more on this as to why we as in humans actually do such things.

i'm a closet _________________________.

fill in the blanks.
we all have our other sides.
this is not a confession.
it's a reminder,
of an understated truth.

with that aside, phew!

ok, down to business if that's what i may call it.

to answer you, no it doesn't matter to me, and it meant a lot. really it did.

to you all.. i 'smile' and i truly do, because you could never be part of the joy i was willing to share, but by circumstances and your choice, you pushed away. well.. "so long, farewell..." - to the tune of 'The Sound Of Music'. no, i ain't ousting you out of my life, i'm just choosing to ignore your existence for now. some ask why i behave the way i do, and i look at you, and TADA!!.. i have my answer =)

good night.

enemies over a packet of chicken rice? and black patches on towels when good ceramic does not rub off on a white hand towel? argh! if you were at the north pole and required that packet of food to survive i could understand why you came up with that statement, but gosh, what's it with you? sheesh.

i'm on the verge of giving up seriously i am.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a soldier

i may never get posted to do relief missions,
i don't ever think i'll get to hold a p226 again, what more a rifle.
i may never had see blood apart from that of blisters and sores and not from gun shots.
i have not seen death in it's face,
but i sure know that He lives, and that He gave us life through His being on the cross.

http://ecards.emicmg.com/soldierStory/relaunch.html

"7 acres of land."
"yes please, and oh, let's add a medium-sized cottage because you would like it."

"hmmm... the country side would be lovely."
"i totally agree, because it would be away from the city."

"aren't you going to come along?"
"i would, but someone's got to win the bread and butter.."

--------------------------------

i asked for bows and curtseys, the Lord gave me a ball, one in which i found my princess, though a prince i hardly am. reeling i still am from that, because everytime i lay sight on her, it still amazes the world as it does to me, that an ignoramus as i with her.

love is not selfish.
can selfish people ever learn to love?

words from mommy.

mommy ain't a professor of any sort, but she's mommy, and she loves me, thus her words make sense although sometimes they can hurt too.

theses were her words of wisdom..

on the way to lunch with her today, she spoke of people i care and love. she mentioned that between us we do not owe anyone any explainations - reaffirming my beliefs of what she's brought me up to believe about owing nothing to no one but God - thus we should let time tell the truth.

secondly, she mentioned about one loving another person, as parents love their kids. that we claim we love one, our actions then ought to bring out the best in that person, which in turn would bring out the best in ourselves.

that's the beauty of love, it strives on itself. it's not selfish and does not feed on any other's well-being. it spurs itself on because of it's selfless nature.

the greatest challenge of it all..

is forgetting you amidst all these blessings that You've given unto me Lord.
----------------------------

i thank you for all that i've been going through, good and bad. it's all helping me grow in ways i never expected, and i wish it never stops, because everything that happens nowadays, i see You teaching me new things. Lord i thank you for these lessons in life you teach me with the interaction i have with people around me and more so the lessons and battles i fight within myself.
i thank You for jacob and joel.
i thank You for sammi.
i thank You for glenda.
i thank You for rachel.
i thank You for uncle Richard, aunt Sharon, Joshua and Naomi.
i thank You for mom and dad.
i thank You for the time you gave us as a family to spend with jie now that she's gone back.
i thank You for shaun.
and Lord, i thank You for You.

i have more to tell you, but i don't feel like typing it now.. laters.

good morning =)

4 songs i hope you get to hear one day.

1. casting crowns - priase you in the storm
2. casting crowns - stained glass masquerade
3. chris tomlin - how great is our god
4. chris tomlin - indescribable

----------------------------------

i think it's nice to know that there are people out there who bother to digitize bibles into softwares etc, and even the daily bread.
for the first time i did my QT in the morning on my laptop. everything included. bible, daily bread, concordance, and what more, i had 3 bibles all at one time, esv, mkjv, and kjv altogether.
interesting experience, and in the same light that we always thank the Lord for food and the hands that prepare them, i thank the Lord too for the effort put into this.

please remind me constantly that a lie is a lie, whether white or not, and in your words, half-truths aren't truths because they ain't complete. ok, not in exact words, but yes you get my meaning. i think it's disturbing the really soft thoughts i've gotten these few days. not good, precarious!


Eph 6:13 Therefore take to yourselves the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Eph 6:14 Therefore stand, having your loins girded about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness
Eph 6:15 and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace.
Eph 6:16 Above all, take the shield of faith, with which you shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
Eph 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, Eph 6:18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching to this very thing with all perseverance and supplication for all saints.

verbal blood spill.
the first salvo was well taken in that the defences were strong.
they wore thin, and precarious is was, but with the Lord's strength they stood firm.
honour was accorded as it should have been according to the Word,
and that is the reason i walked away from the battle though not unscathed, i have peace.

clean hands or dirty hands,
(courtesy of swee lee's Paiste cymbal cleaning solution)

brown eyes or blue,
(yours are beautiful)

straight hair or curly hair,
(it doesn't matter whether you comb it or otherwise, it's lovely)

Jesus loves you.
(** ** *)

technically, if i were speaking to a queen's father, who would i be speaking to?

well, would you be my queen elizabeth? =)

to the land of the thai i must go, for a time with family that's much deserved. but once again i'm reminded of the fact that i am human, because i face the disappointment of being unable to be in two places at one time. yes i am going up north, but i wished i were going east.

i'll be back soon, and i hope to wrap up this year really nicely. maybe 2 more sunrises, 3 more strolls from college, 4 more conversations that last till early morning, and many more days of faith, hope and love to come. what say you? =)

a life story is made up of many smaller and shorter stories within it, thus like the fullstop at the end of this sentence, move on i must upon finality of the last chapter.

and the air crackled with joyous anticipation...

people crack jokes,
mom did every now and then.
life did so too,
and it went on too.
i kracked,
and life will go on.

for those of you who're feeling it, and thinking it's weird, i'm sorry. i just need this time to myself.
i need to breathe, i need to think, and i need to be alone. thanks.

and the tale will begin at 1741.
the advance call,
the first appearance,
the salutations, followed by the inspection,
the march past,
the blessings,
the presentations and address,
the pledge taking,
the declaration,
handing over of colours,
and the march off.
after which we come back on for the affixing of epaulettes,
then the toss of head dress.

for those who are wondering why i didn't blog for so long, it was cause i was confined for two weeks. yeah and i can't blog from camp, although i have internet. haha.

oh well, it's been rehearsals everyday, along with some activities that we do as a cohort. 370 people doing things together, indeed cumbersome.

thankful for all the ACPC rehearsals that the army wings had, because MIDS and AIR were excused since we're from a different service. gave us little breathers here and there.

it's down to the last 5 days of rehearsals, and then the actual thing on sat. that's all folks huh. 9 months, or rather 38 weeks, and it doesn't end here. in fact it's the start of more to come.

true indeed, and i ain't sure i'm ready for it. i've been drilled for the past year to be a trainee, a cadet, a low life correction no life midshipmen. so yeah, suddenly with the commissioning i'm expected to behave and act the way my instructors for the past 40 weeks or so have been showing us. i ain't exactly enthusiastic to do so, since most of their walks ain't exactly what they walk about.


well, it's the last book in.
early dinner,
rest,
and it's probably the last time i'm going to have to don the white long sleeve shirt and black pants to move in and outta camp. so well =)

i'm having mood swings, so leave me alone..

and we walked on water..

give me another lifetime, and another chance at this, and i would have still chosen to spend the evening with you. returning the books together, having dinner together, and walking home together. i would, i really would.

i guess the idea of mambo night never did and never will appeal. thank God.

caught in the middle of a decision that can go two ways..

knowing what you want in future now moulds the present that shapes the future..


and it's not about having what i want, it's about wanting what i have and need.

i need you to be happy.

rejection in it's own subtle ways.

i was snubbed and it wasn't pleasant. the sheer coincidence and conclusion is amusing but upsetting too. leave me alone..

"sometimes the best even by all members of a team ain't enough, because a team that does not perform, will cease to be a team in a matter of time."

drained. tired. and just wanna get it over and done with lah.

i want to stand tall on those two occassions, i really do, but the time and way you've put it across, i'm put of by it now. i truly am.

"desecrated, putrid, and defiled thou soul hast becometh...
prevaricated, a canard, and a sham is what your life is.."

what a sad state anything can come to, and yet it has to be that greater things might come to past. on a brighter note, at least i know i ain't defenceless against this onslaught and suffocating intoxication. i've got a my battle plan ready, and it's time to move from inside the ramp on to the beach for war..

Lord, let it to now, today, that the silver show the truth, that the scales fall, and that the heart and soul be broken that it might be contrite. broken only can you teach, then do what's necessary. make that difference happen my King, and 3 fortnights from now, we shall see the advancement of thy troops marching as planned, with heads held high, proud to be wearing armour that bears your emblem burnt deep into their souls. may we have Your blessings for we ask these in His name. Amen.

i feel my some parts of my brain are morphing into tiny little white elephants. i feel... unused. not that i yearned to be manipulated, but to be put through thought process about things that i want to think about and not what i have to think about like AOPs and RCPs and CAOS and all that crap. sigh.

20/40

just in case you're wondering that's the number of days to the end of course and parade day respectively.

i'm home, but i'm going out soon again.. where's that kid?

the fact that i linked both the issues together probably means that the initial reaction's more than just making a new friend? -----> no.

my link was the tugging of what she would think. frankly if knowing her's going to jeopardize what i've got with her thus far, i rather forgo the potential friendship. i know what i know deep down in my heart.

i believe you're worth it.

vRooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and the red ferrari 4005 sped past. hahaha.. for those of you who don't get it, come ask me =)

----------------------------

"risk when taken is often done so by those who take it with the faith and hope that things will work out for the better than not having taken the risk.."

it's been a while now since i've updated, but it probably means i've had better things to do. besides something's wrong with the coms in the gunroom, so i can't update from camp anymore. oh well, too bad, not that i'm complaining about it lah.

the 55th are in, have been initiated, and it's been a longgggggggggggg and tiring week. hope this one's going to be lighter than the last, i could do with the breather.

i can always look forward, and i should.
but i have every other azimuth apart from the current one i'm facing to distract me from my current line of sight.
so what makes me fixate my eyes upon the current thought that makes so much sense to me in this direction by seems to defy logic when i turn around?
the answer's faith, hope and love.
and it comes from no other than Him.

did i mention i bought myself a new bible? i think it's so pretty. the brown leather cover, and it's ESV - English Standard Version, the same one andrew's using. maybe we could study the text together then. haha.

yay!~ i'm going to church today. haven't done so in 6 weeks. and i miss them alot. everyone in church. my kids, the youths, godpa, my cellgroup, and the musicians. all of them yes, i miss them all. probably miss the batch meal, not really interested in it, but i really wanna thank the juniors. shall get them something to thank them.

oh well, it's raining, and it's cold, but i know i can seek warmth from the Lord. things are just happening around me now, and i ain't exactly interested in paying attention to any particular one event at this point in time. if it's apathy Lord, help me, but if it's a breather i'm taking from all that hustle and bustle, then please let me have it.

the big black bird came..

C-R-O-W

haha..
can't be bothered with it lah, i know they pinned it down on me based on something they couldn't verify, and since they're got those gold things on their shoulders, i shall not attempt to blow it up. i just wanna complete the course and be done with this school.

i'm back from MSTD, and with the pipe that the MXO just made, i look back 4 months, and smile to myself. it's flown by, and soon the rest of the thirteen weeks would too.

"the 54th WEF today are known as seniors, the white admin shorts would be purchased and issued tomorrow..."

i first remember the feeling when i first heard that the OCS course was going to be 38 weeks long, 4 weeks short of the supposed 42weeks that my seniors went through, but the figure 38 seem daunting, and scary at that time. now it's been reduced to 13, and it's exactly 90 days left. deepak and i counted earlier on. haha..

i'm back at the wingline, serving the confinement that we got as a batch due to an integrity problem. i ain't going to shun away that we all copied from those taskbooks, but it's an open secret that all batches did so, and only we were dumb enough to get caught. haha. i'm just going to shake it off with laughter. the only pity's that i didn't get to go to church today. i miss it lots, i miss my kids, i miss my cellgroup, and i miss Him.

so much has happened, but then again, it's so much only because i've been away and the lack of update's probably what makes all this change seem gargantuan.

i made a decision not to worry so much, and hopefully that helps me not to think unnecessary thoughts too. i wanna live for the moment, enjoying and savouring every single bit of Him bringing us through it all.