280337H May 07

the stupid things i do just to see you smile

032305H May 07

my heart goes out to them VS to hell with all of them.
restraint VS letting loose
me VS i

you see, i'm not getting the full picture; it's not about me. so quit it.

030035H May 07

in this game of chess,
sometimes a move can be both right and wrong,
depending on which side of the chess board you are on.

015216H Apr 07

Don't over-spiritualize, or over-mechanize it.
but it doesn't mean you don't keep yourself in check.

15 Apr 07

infatuated with the idea of infatuation

10 Apr 07

it's been a while now.
been thinking, reflecting, or whatever you might call it.
i shall remain silent when it happens.
it's the best for us all.

Listen
to the song here in my heart
a melody I start but can't complete
Listen
to the sound from deep within
Its only beginning to find release
Ohh the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own,
all 'cause you won't listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed
Aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen
to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete
Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own

30 Mar 07
my heart aches with a bittersweet pain

21 Mar 07
when i get home,
i need to start running,
i'll do so in the club so that i can get a tan as well and swim too,
but it's going to be more of watching my health and fitness on the whole.

i hope to get a temp job, but not just yet.
i need to get Shaun a present,
but i'm holding my horses because of what jiejie mentioned.
i'll sit on the decision for a while more before deciding.

i miss home.
not that it sucks here,
i'm really having a good time. =)
but i miss some people back home.
yeah.

taking it easy; taking a breather

1And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, 2"Speak to all the congregation of the people of Israel and say to them, You shall be holy, for I the LORD your God am holy. 3Every one of you shall revere his mother and his father, and you shall keep my Sabbaths: I am the LORD your God. 4Do not turn to idols or make for yourselves any gods of cast metal: I am the LORD your God.

5"When you offer a sacrifice of peace offerings to the LORD, you shall offer it so that you may be accepted. 6It shall be eaten the same day you offer it or on the day after, and anything left over until the third day shall be burned up with fire. 7If it is eaten at all on the third day, it is tainted; it will not be accepted, 8and everyone who eats it shall bear his iniquity, because he has profaned what is holy to the LORD, and that person shall be cut off from his people.

Love Your Neighbor As Yourself 9"When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap your field right up to its edge, neither shall you gather the gleanings after your harvest. 10And you shall not strip your vineyard bare, neither shall you gather the fallen grapes of your vineyard. You shall leave them for the poor and for the sojourner: I am the LORD your God.

11"You shall not steal; you shall not deal falsely; you shall not lie to one another. 12You shall not swear by my name falsely, and so profane the name of your God: I am the LORD.

13"You shall not oppress your neighbor or rob him. The wages of a hired servant shall not remain with you all night until the morning. 14You shall not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block before the blind, but you shall fear your God: I am the LORD.

15"You shall do no injustice in court. You shall not be partial to the poor or defer to the great, but in righteousness shall you judge your neighbor. 16You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people, and you shall not stand up against the life[a] of your neighbor: I am the LORD.

17"You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. 18You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.

You Shall Keep My Statutes 19"You shall keep my statutes. You shall not let your cattle breed with a different kind. You shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor shall you wear a garment of cloth made of two kinds of material.

20"If a man lies sexually with a woman who is a slave, assigned to another man and not yet ransomed or given her freedom, a distinction shall be made. They shall not be put to death, because she was not free; 21but he shall bring his compensation to the LORD, to the entrance of the tent of meeting, a ram for a guilt offering. 22And the priest shall make atonement for him with the ram of the guilt offering before the LORD for his sin that he has committed, and he shall be forgiven for the sin that he has committed.

23"When you come into the land and plant any kind of tree for food, then you shall regard its fruit as forbidden.[b] Three years it shall be forbidden to you; it must not be eaten. 24And in the fourth year all its fruit shall be holy, an offering of praise to the LORD. 25But in the fifth year you may eat of its fruit, to increase its yield for you: I am the LORD your God.

26"You shall not eat any flesh with the blood in it. You shall not interpret omens or tell fortunes. 27You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard. 28You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the LORD.

29"Do not profane your daughter by making her a prostitute, lest the land fall into prostitution and the land become full of depravity. 30You shall keep my Sabbaths and reverence my sanctuary: I am the LORD.

31"Do not turn to mediums or wizards;[c] do not seek them out, and so make yourselves unclean by them: I am the LORD your God.

32"You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the LORD.

33"When a stranger sojourns with you in your land, you shall not do him wrong. 34You shall treat the stranger who sojourns with you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

35"You shall do no wrong in judgment, in measures of length or weight or quantity. 36You shall have just balances, just weights, a just ephah, and a just hin:[d] I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt. 37And you shall observe all my statutes and all my rules, and do them: I am the LORD."

the life you gave,
and the life you're giving,
that difference is Jesus.
you had Him,
stop pushing Him away,
do you not reciprocate His yearning?
lost you were,
hold on fast lest you slip back into the abyss,
learn both hard and easy,
but learn at the end of the day.

are we meant to be stuck in this endless cycle of repentance and guilt?
just cause a team works well with the way they've always worked, doesn't imply that their way's the best way to go about doing things, so does that mean that although this is the way life is led in this fashion, do we go about it mindlessly? do we try to break the cycle? or do we just give up?

i'm quite sick of it really.

it scares me to think that science has somehow managed to observe a pattern in human beings that we all seek for spouses, who are like our parents by nature. it's scary, for this, i hope i'm the minority.

that was taken on our drive around in Tasmania. Nissan X-trail, something i wouldn't drive in future, but nevertheless, thankful i got to try it. heheh

it's off to another part of the continent.
we've all been up since 170500K Feb 07, and somehow the reality of whatever was said yesterday in the presence of each other is slowly sinking in.
it's something we never got to do in the last 4 years,
what more over a special occassion and meal,
a refreshing experience it has been indeed.

-Always trust God, as we have, and as we're going to.
-Blood is thicker than water.
-Being clear about where you're going's better than never having thought about it.
-Never shortchange yourself - imagine whether you want your children to behave like that in future.
-Grateful.

all that decadence, exchanged for the world's most expensive yet free gift of salvation.

nah, thanks but no thanks. it's appealing really, but it's simply not worth it.

Jul 2005 - Feb 2007

time of death: 161500K Feb 07

was pronounced dead by owner at 3pm en route next stop for shopping with family, due to overuse. memorial service was held in the washroom of a student apartment on Viller Street, and one minute of silence was observed.

if you were wondering who/what i was speaking of, it was my right contact lense. i threw it away, it's shelf life was estimated to be 1.5 years, so it did serve it's time well. thankfully i've got a spare trial pair with me here in the melbourne, or i would so die from the sunshine here because my eyes are very sensitive to bright light, and it doesn't happen to be the dreary dark season down south at this time of the year.

ok, we're off to reunion dinner at Crown. interesting the experience has been thus far since it's my first celebrating CNY overseas. it's a good break from the monotony of tradition too.

if she's not the one i'll fight for her
but if she is God will fight for her

just something i learnt.
i'm not sure the condition of my heart.
don't ask me,
i ain't telling.
really.
well, at least not to just anyone.

till the day i say 'i do' to my future wife, these two ladies would remain the two most important in my life.

mad rush.
so much so the pain in my fingers hurt only after a night's rest.
too busy being angry,
for no apparent reason,
or at least i can't figure out in this point in time what it is.

on a random note, i'm switching to teh-O from my usual Kopi,
no idea why.

i'm looking forward to the trips very much,
i hope all goes well with ticketing; for both occassions.

no prizes for guessing where this is

trust me on this,
i ain't going to blame you even if you gave up,
it's not been easy i know,
i've not been easy.

choices we make,
consequences we live with,
so till you beg to differ,
i'll see you when i see you next.

1. a bag of scallops
2. 50 Pcs of DVDRs
3. 2 bottles of Irish Cream
4. SHISEIDO moisturizer - Pureress Range (light blue)
5. Bolster Cover (white/blue)
6. Blue NIV bible

just in case any of you are wondering, this is the list of things i'm supposed to bring over to melbourne for my sister. just in case i lose the list itself, so that i can always refer to it.

Taken whilst in a furniture shop, obviously shooting towards a mirror, thus i was able to capture this shot. haha. i was amazed i dind't move at all, and neither did my hand shake, so the picture turned out fine.

ain't he a darling? hahah.. he's none other than Lam Le En, Pastor Lam Kuo Yong's second son.. hehehe.. all his children are so lovely, but i've yet to capture a picture of them all yet. soon soon..

8 Jan 07

the pain made it easier,
i ain't saying it's easy now.
the denied chance for release,
was given to me anyway,
maybe a little too late,
but still in good time.

till then, take care.

With every sunrise at dawn,
and each sunset at dusk,
you know it has to be God,
you see,
that's the difference between Him and the great artists of history,
He doesn't have to sign off on His works.

Praise be to you Lord,
maker of heaven and earth.

21 Nov 06
it's time to clean up the filth.
time to do the chores; wash the dirt off, iron things out, and hang it out to dry well and good. hopefully there won't be too many rainy days.

13 Nov 06
and time flies as it drags along.
done some bleaching, played lotsa pool.
have yet to start reading as much as i wish to.
thank you all who helped with the mural in church.
was a guest and helper in a wedding.
hammered the drums quite a bit, need to work on that alot more.
cried, rejoiced, and live life.

i need to hear from You, please talk to me.

to live is Christ,
to die is gain.

1 Nov [6-0]

Whee!!!!!!!!!!
it's over. =)

i bought meself a christmas present, it's really early, but it's really pretty. hehehe. i guess i'll be going dry with the vitamin M henceforth till i become part of the workforce in the near future. till then, take care you all =)

28 Oct 06 [9-2]

it's easy when you love them,
loving them's the hard thing.

Father teach me to love like you do.

24 Oct 06

i'm exactly 2 weeks from that day. yeah.
7 Nov 07. i'm sure it would be an experience in intself.

i don't want to be numb. i want to feel, i want to love. because i know Jesus loves.
He could have very much chosen to be numb to all that was happening around Him, but because He chose to love, God's salvation plan was all the more beautiful, all the more perfect.

hmmmm... i'm still waiting and praying on it, i don't wanna act yet. i don't feel peace with that idea at this point in time. thank you all for praying with and for me and also this issue. i feel loved, thank you all.

the right thing at the wrong time makes it a wrong thing.
i've tied that idea somehow to what i've just experienced in terms of feelings. i really felt happy for you reading the little snippets in your life, but it's not something i can reconcile with. i touch my heart in all honesty to tell you i truly did smile, but i cannot credit that smile to whatever's going on, simply because it's inherently wrong. i ain't here to judge. trust me on this one, i've learnt i'm hardly in any position to comment, less judge. i want to be your friend to hear you out on this one, to walk with you where no one seems to want to go with you (although you should know that there are many out there who are willing to go with you), and more importantly, to cry with you when you need to. so till that day comes where honesty and love embraces this friendship two-way, i'll be praying for you.

20 Oct 06

Wow i love that man's sense of humour, dry as it may be, and more importantly, i look up to him for the way His heart is in tune with God.
i love You Lord.

18 Oct 06
blueprints. the transparent, total see-through, layout of a structure.
i'm glad God was the architect of my blueprints.
Lord please help me be real with myself,
knowing that i'm man and You're God.
---------
i squeezed out the blood from my right index finger, and although i re-opened the wound, i guess cleaning up the wound helped in it's healing. it's not hurting as though there's an infection anymore.
also i got a new medical toy, it's a syringe that helps me wash out the food that's stuck in the new holes in my gum where my wisdom teeth used to be, it's really effective.
till the Lord comes home, take care you all =)

17 Oct 06
I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

17 Oct 06

and i woke up with a sore right index finger, mild infection i suppose.
i want to be a joyful soul =)

i am imperfect.
i need the Lord,
i have the Lord,
and i will always have Him.

thank God.

these are some facts i could really live with, for now and forever.

11 Oct 06

i want to be better. for you.

10 Oct 06

i really am sorry, sorry that i don't know what to do or say to make you feel the way you used to. i'm not looking to blame anyone, although i know it would be i, but i'm looking in hope that things would turn for the better. i really am.

5 Oct 06

what's the phone for when the line is dead?
or the shell when it's empty?
the box when the contents aren't inside,
or the gold wrapping when the gift simply ain't there?

i think i found out.
it's for the show.
the show goes on,
no matter what,
the show goes on.

4 Oct 06

i've ascertained that i'm a substance abuser.
so sue me.

if you're here to judge, spare me your lectures and sentence me what's due. just get on with it, since it's got to go there somehow someday anyway.
at least for that period, i forget that i'm nothing but a pile of walking ash, so go home crying to your mama if you realise that someday down the road, then maybe you i would see you on that same alley, and i'll look at you, but i'll smile.

3 Oct 06

this is the first post i'm putting up after i've changed the template. i ain't expecting miracles, just thought it looked pleasant.
please continue to be safe, and i would be happy knowing you are.

so raw,
so blatant,
but that's the cost i've to pay.

i'm here to honour God, not man.
so say what you like, and i'll do what i deem fit with the peace that only He can provide.

Oct 1 Day 19 18
Oct 2 Night 18 17
Oct 3 Off - 16
Oct 4 Standby - 15
Oct 5 Day 17 14
Oct 6 Night 16 13
Oct 7 Off - 12
Oct 8 Standby - 11
Oct 9 Day 15 10
Oct 10 Night 14 9
Oct 11 Off - 8
Oct 12 Standby - 7
Oct 13 Day 13 6
Oct 14 Night 12 5
Oct 15 Off - 4
Oct 16 Standby - 3
Oct 17 Day 11 2
Oct 18 Night 10 1
Oct 19 Off - 0
Oct 20 Standby - -
Oct 21 Day 9 -
Oct 22 Night 8 -
Oct 23 Off - -
Oct 24 Standby - -
Oct 25 Day 7 -
Oct 26 Night 6 -
Oct 27 Off - -
Oct 28 Standby - -
Oct 29 Day 5 -
Oct 30 Night 4 -
Oct 31 Off - -
Nov 1 Standby - -
Nov 2 Day 3 -
Nov 3 Night 2 -
Nov 4 Off - -
Nov 5 Standby - -
Nov 6 Day 1 -
Nov 7 Night 0 -

as you can tell, i was bored, but no i wasn't upset. i'm observing my sabbath, because i know my God is a great God, and i'm resting in His presence, on a day set aside to praise Him. =)

the first 3 columns are self explainatory, the 4th's the number of watches left, and 5th would be the days to the coming home of the english princess =)

i was tired, but this morning after i had awoken from slumber, i rushed to talk to God, and i was comforted. i ain't bursting with energy, but there's a quiet hum of peace in me, that's all that i need for now. thank you Father.

i was tired, but this morning after i had awoken from slumber, i rushed to talk to God, and i was comforted. i ain't bursting with energy, but there's a quiet hum of peace in me, that's all that i need for now. thank you Father.

yay!! she's got wireless. heehee. =)

bottomless pit

that's what i think i'm becoming. i seem to be hungry all the time.. sigh.. and i ain't exactly exercising, so can someone please advise me as to how i can curb this hunger?

a self-deludIng organization that blatantly does not want to improve, because of manageriaL existence of JSOs; Junior Senior Officers who want to make things lOok healthy and rosey on the surface, who deny sending the releVant reports of defects and the crEed to which they proclaim theY cannot stand tO with all the fUdgery which goes on.

i'm sorry i couldn't allow myself to behave in the same way towards you and us, simply because they - Us & SAF - mean two different things to me. i had to tell you what i said. it had to be done. i don't love the SAF.

i'm a lost child. i really don't know what's going on now. trust me, even though others are sure i know what i'm doing, i don't agree with them.

it's raining early in the morning, and i got to secure early from work. i'm thankful, but i'm weary of the office politics. hmmm.. i think i'm beginning to appreciate what Shaun said about 3 weeks back. it doesn't matter what vocation you are in the SAF in these 2 years, what matters if whether you've behaved in a fashion that would show the world that you've got Christ in your life.

somehow i can't reaffirm myself postively about that question because of the bitterness and attitudes i've shown at times with regard to the jaded feelings i have about my work at this point in time. Lord, something's wrong, i'm wrong, teach me what to do.

APEX's coming to an end, it was a blurry fluster of events and reports, but i'm grateful i was on ops, it's more my forte than reports really, so yeah. thank You Father.

on a lighter note, i wanna go for porridge cause of this rain, then come home and catch up on my sleep. it's the last night watch of 5 tonight, let's hope it be a good one.

i'm dealing with...

bitterness once again.
i know i must and should behave in a manner that would exhibit love.
Lord, help me please.

things to attend to:

2 Sep: 1st run of Faith Factor program for Saturdays!
9 Sep: meeting to shift the orientation for 4th floor youth room
anytime after 1 Sep: i need to schedule a dental appointment, so that the dentist can refer me to Alexendra Hospital for extraction of my wisdom tooth, it's starting to give me problems, i don't wanna go into details, it's quite disgusting actually.

ongoing: life, along with many of it's ups and downs. haha. always learn to smile at them all, for we're put through them with God's permission =)

to you: i hope you cheer up, it pains to know that you're not doing well, but i guess standing by the side to offer you support when you need it's all i can do for now.

sustenance, would the living bread suffice?

ok, it's back to fish and greens.
right now it's for health reasons, till i find a good reason upon contemplation what this abstinence should be about.

shot some hoops today with shaun.
it was good to run about again, however i won't be able to do much of it in future.
moderately's the keyword i guess.
that's why i want to buy my bicycle,
and re-apply for the sports club memebership,
so that i can go work out in the gym and swimming pool.

Chris Rice - When Did You Fall
From the album Amusing

You’re all smiles and silly conversation
As if this sunny day came just for you
You twist your hair, you smile and you turn your eyes away
C’mon, tell me what’s right with you
Now it dawns on me probably everybody’s talkin’
And there’s something here I’m supposed to realize
‘Cause your secret’s out, and the universe laughs at it’s joke on me
I just caught it in your eyes, it’s a beautiful surprise

Chorus:
When did you fall in love with me?
Was it out of the blue
‘Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?
When did you fall in love?

Make your way over here, sit down by this fool, and let’s rewind
C’mon, let’s go back and replay all our scenes
You can point out the hints, the clues, the twists and the smiles this time
All the ones that slipped by me
I bet my face is red, and you can hear my heart poundin’
Well I guess it don’t matter now that I realize
‘Cause baby I missed it then, but I can surely see you now
Right there before my eyes
You’re my beautiful surprise

Chorus:

Was it at the coffee shop
Or that morning at the bus stop
When you almost slipped, and I caught your hand
Or the time we built the snowman
The day at the beach, sandy and warm
Or the night with the scary thunderstorm
I never saw the signs
Now we’ve got to make up for lost time
And I can tell now by the way that you’re looking at me
I’d better finish this song so my lips will be free

Have you been waiting long, when did you fall in love
I kept you waiting so long, when did you fall
Have you been waiting long
When did you fall in love with me
When did you fall in love?

the foolish of the earth will shame the wise of the earth

from someone as proud as him,
i saw how the Lord taught humbling lessons indeed.
yet from the lowest of humble men,
i learnt lessons from which are worth being proud of.

it's an irony how we build our security on things that do not last,
how we place such high value on the worthless,
and how complicated we make simple things to be.

Lord, teach me to seek your Kingdom first above all other things.

i just heard a friend mention that she wants a restart to all things that are bad.

hmmm.. then i thought to myself, why yearn a restart and have the risk of it going bad again, when you can be thankful it's over?

somehow i feel a need to monitor more.. the things i think about, say and do. cause i've got a feeling it's all going to come back one day.

thrice and counting.
when the counting stops, the breathing will too.

familarity breeds contempt

when you realise nothing really belongs to you

i'm living on borrowed time.
twice today i could have gone home to God.
i wonder why i didn't, it sure would taken the pain out of many things.

once again proven as many times before,
walking away and keeping quiet saves you all that pain and hurt.
it really does. i'm not so sure it's the orthodox method,
but hey, whatever works.

no, i've not had a bad day, i'm having one.
i don't sing a song to make it better, but yeah, i do ride around.

rewind, replay, revisit

it's back to the basics.

A
B
C
1
2
3

learning to smile once again like i used to when i was a kid.
i hope i still remember.

tonight's win was a morale booster. but it was also a test of many things within me. it could have been better. nevertheless, i'm grateful.

when you don't bother anymore, it speaks alot.
phone calls, sms-es, or simple sweet nothings, it's the little things that count.

well, i guess priorites are in the constant state of changing, so i don't hold it against you that you've changed, just don't hold it against me that i do too.

i've cut off alot. from everyone. it was subconcious, it was because i didn't want to be seen for my weaknesses, i only wanted to be known for my strengths. i miss the warmth though. i miss terms of endeavours that hung on my lips. for what it's worth, i do miss you.

till then, it's not in the doing, it's in the heart.

W.W.J.D

after having been exposed to so many years of bitterness, i'm suddenly presented a chance of reconciliation, what do you think i would do?
well, one thing i must say though, i am a little torn in between, but i believe the guiding light must be God, for only what He would do is what i must and should do.
Lord, please pave the way for me in this matter.

FU 8228 B
that's it. yeap.
i must learn to be contend. in this light, i know it will be tough, especially after a year's time, but nevertheless, all things can be cultivated.

i'm thankful for whatever's happened today.
that i recieved my gift, that i got to see you just for that half hour, and for everything else that's happened in the day.
i truly am. thankful.

when the world moved on, i don't say i chose to walk against the flow, i just came to a standstill.

i took time off to take things in differently from i would in the rush of things.
i've re-shifted my priorities, and value of the things i once cherished have been altered.

on the cool side, i passed my driving test. yes, i'm unlearning to walk, it's really quite addictive. i must imagine what goes on in a baby's brain when he first learns to walk.
"i wanna walk.. i wanna move towards that green toy, i want to... *stumbles*.. "
hahaha.. and here i am,
"i don't wanna walk.. i wanna drive there.. i wanna be on my wheels once again.."

on the cooler side, i've got my bike traffic police test this thurs, it's way early in the morning, please pray for me all those whom i can bless as a result of being allowed by the law to bike around. and for those i can't bless directly as a result of that license, please pray for me all the same? =) at least for safety.. hehehe..
i'm thinking, they're just waiting to give it to me.. i just have to put up a good show in the 40mins that those 10 pairs of eyes are staring at me along the designated route.

on the way cool side..ange's back, not for long though, till the 31st only. i think i'll go meet her for supper later.

ok, on the not so cool side, i'm on 3 months excuse from IPPT and physical activities in the SAF because i'm due for a checkup on my PES status. i think i'm downgrading, that's if i can convince the Medical Officer (most likely an NSF as myself) that i ain't going to suck it up and endure the pain as a result of having to train for IPPT, as my NS term is coming to an end. yes, it means that i'll probably never get to go for advancement courses in my NS and that i'll be stuck as a LTA, but oh well, i ain't about to bust my knee cause of the few bouts of 21days ICT that i would wear my rank again.

ok that pretty much sums up what's been happening.
no, do not be deluded that my life's only this much. hahaha, and no i do not profess to be the center of your life, but i know who's the center of mine =)

My faithful Father, enduring Friend
Your tender mercy’s like a river with no end
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your presence
I stand in wonder once again

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
Each day I fall on my knees
Your grace still amazes me
‘Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Saviour, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You, Lord, what can I say
I know there’s no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

It’s deeper, it’s wider
It’s stronger, it’s higher
It’s deeper it’s wider
It’s stronger, it’s higher
than anything my eyes can see

when i ....

am unable to sleep not knowing you're home because it's past midnight,
get a sick feeling in my gut when i cannot say for sure you're doing ok,
pray feverntly each day that the Lord is giving you comfort inspite of the lessons He wishes to teach,
and yearn for time to past quickly when you're doing something you're not enjoying but for it to come to a standstill when i see you smile,

i know i've fallen..
in love with you.

i love you.

I am God.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine. Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them.

upcoming dates to take note of:

1 Jul 06 - SAF day.
2 Jul 06 - KPC Youth Led Sunday Service.
18 Jul 06 - Class 3 Traffic Police Test date.
27 Jul 06 - Class 2B Traffic Police Test date.

did i miss out anything? oh yeah, 6 Nov 06 - ORD!!!!!!! hahahahahaha

due to the lack of vitamins as such i have decided on some changes.
vit C: i shall take orange juice tomorrow, and afternoon too (hopefully the fruits stall is opened when the guys go out to buy afternoon snack)
vit E: i shall run more, or just take bike lessons in the 10-12 slot, and end up burning my forearms, cause the sun burns when you're caught in a jam, which is quite typical of when attempting the U-turn in Ubi.
vit M: i will not be getting the XL 125, decided to get something with a little more horsepower and a smaller chassis. as papa said, it's the land of the rising sun that makes better automobiles in this class in terms of performance and economics. sure, we ain't talking of 1000Cc aprilla bikes, but at general consumers level such as ourselves, honda jap bikes would do fine for now. CBR150 - here i come.

as much as i hate to admit it..

i am wearing thin.
i am trying to take on too many changes at one go.
i am being too ambitious,
and plain foolish to think that drowning myself in activities,
or by simply being busy with the things that get me by in life,
i can ignore that i'm growing weary inside,
that i will always fall short of standards,
and that simply put,
i'm human.

i feel defeated. i truly do.

it's no wonder i walk out so easily

sometimes it's the things that we are most comfortable with,
the things we think we can seek comfort from,
and the things that we take for granted in life that distract us.

my room has:
a bed,
the laptop corner,
a desktop,
the never-ending shelves of books,
my pool cues,
and the list goes on.

it comes to a point where i sometimes have to detach myself from this room, and move to quieter corners of the ever-so-congested house like the dining room - which has just recently been cleared up because mama shifted the computer into her room - to do my quiet time. the things which i've come to be ever so familiar with like my computers, sometimes i feel pull me away from what i'm supposed to do; spending time with God, and it's no wonder why i am so comfortable with the idea of just picking up the keys to the house and walk out, yes impromptu outings that would give me short snippets of time during bus and train rides, for my mind to reflect, or just to be still as the world goes by. in my room, my activities keep me going, so much so that i am never still, so much that i never quieten down to listen, to hear, His soft small voice.

one step closer to the edge

nah.. closer to getting my 2B license. heheh, i cleared lesson 7!!!! yay! so now i'm on lesson 8, and i'm expecting positively to do that lesson twice, after which if i pass, then i can book my TP test. heehee. i can really consider the bike now, and i'm still working out how much i would like to pay for my bike if mom or dad aren't happy about the price of the bike i wish to get.

here's the baby i wanna get =)


hopefully mama doesn't jump at the price we're going to have to fork out, but since i spoke to Barry about installment plans, and how the difference compared to cars is very very huge - which is a good thing - so i think she'll probably soften up. heehee

i'm stuck at home on a sunday morning/afternoon because i'm supposed to be at work, but i'm on medical exmeption from work due to a nose that runs/leaks, and a throat that is sore.

as i'm checking up some biblical facts online, i'm watching the WC'06 breakfast show. i'm amazed at how the world comes together to watch an event like these in a fever, one that burns so hot i wonder would there ever be a time when people would be ever so passionate for God.

well, as all questions should start, i ask, wherein lie my role. what can you do to play your part? what can we do together to inch closer towards a reality as such?

justice is needed here!

please bug me to put into writing what i've gone through this week with God. it would be too much of a waste to let it be eroded with time in memory.

i must capture the lessons learnt, that i might relook at them every now and then.

i have a disturbingly blatant inability to:

1. swallow my pride/contain the criticism,
2. love people the way Jesus would,
3. put into action head knowledge that proves easier to merely understand.

For starters, let's work on making it less blatant.

~For a man is made inward out, and actions would speak of the true state of the soul contained within~

my eyes are tired, tired from that saturation of those familiar colours; yellow, blue, red, pink, orange, green, brown, black and then yellow with white.

well, the hectic schedule is underway now, so be it. i'm not affected by the work, somehow the adrenaline just pumps and after i hand over, my whole mental and emotional self just collapses. i'm missing You, and you too. some might say i'm choosing to spend too much time with my spliced-baby, but it's my alternative. trust me, if i really had the choice, i would be spending time with you.

i'm tired. i was so tired last night my legs were cramping up just walking to my bathroom from my bedroom. i hope the sleep last night did me good. i'm sure the racket downstairs that celebrates someone's entry to hell isn't doing me any good, it's irritating.

random accomplishments or the lack of them

well... i've:

1. hoover the living room area, haven't done up the whole house yet
2. ran today, feeling good about it, not eaten much today either
3. cleared my DVD serial all the way till the last episode
4. gotten my teams more or less settled, less a few souls who aren't convicted which areas to serve

but.. i've not:
1. settled mama's mobo problem
2. returned Shaun the 50bucks i owe him, cause he's been away (he's coming back in an hour)
3. work for the past 6 days, looking forward to going back so as to clear this cycle so that sat can come quickly. i'm looking forward to it for 2 major reasons, one cause i would get to spend time with love ones over lunch, and cause i would get to serve this month on the drums. i'm going to clean up the cymbals with the new toy i got too.. hehehe, i'm excited
4. gone for biking/driving lessons for some time now; the next one's 211615H May 06.

things i have to do:

1.hoover the whole house, including all the cushions - which would probably take 3 hours or more when mom and shaun are gone, so i intend to do it on thurs morning before night shift.

2. prepare my bible study for my kids although i won't be seeing them this week, it's really talking to God and reading His word i want to do.

3. pray lots.

incessant talk

and no conclusion. that's the worst kind of gathering anyone can go through.

hmmm.. differences will always be there. whether or not to let them complement each other, or to result in conflict, yes indeed the choice is ours.

oh well, i've had enough differences for a week. leave me alone.

the greatest thing you'll ever learn...

is to love and be loved in return.

time.. where did it all go?

ok, here's a heads up for what's to come in the near future.

18 Jul Class 3 Traffic Police Test - AKA driving license test date.
May to June - Class 2B lessons and gearing up for TP.

things to take note of:

Call uncle Meng Kim about 50th anniversary celebration.
Email KuoYong about pubs team for Youth-led service.
Talk to Shaun about YLS after his exams on wed (next week), before he leaves for China.
Lotsa prayer for the new agendas/rules/disciplines set in place.

i ask myself where all my time's gone.. *points finger*.. there it is..

words vs actions; apology vs amendments

i'm not about to give a lecture on this.
i've not such interest to.

i have learnt, that in times like these as often, an apology might expedite the reconciliation, but when i ain't exactly in desperate need of it, i rather work on the actions that should happen after the apology rather than waste my time, energy, emotions and what not trying to anticipate the right moment to apologise.

cleared my load of clothes that required to be pressed, won't need to mop the floor till next week, and till then, don't expect anymore from me as i won't from you either.

i bled my emotions for this courage, and it was a poor substitute, but it was the best i could give..

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

wishful thinking.
a fragment of imagination.
maybe a dream?
or an illusion i hoped to be real.

standards are relative and subjective,
governed only by those who set and agree to abide by them.
so if society were only made up of two people,
would the law ever be fair?
would they ever come to agree on what can be the law?

i'm sorry i couldn't do anything to stop you from crying.

do we never allow ourselves to ponder about the worst possibilities in every possible circumstance simply because we don't want them to happen?
if that is true, then is it because we do not think about them that these outcomes do not come true?

i wanted to ask my friend what would be her greatest disappointment towards her boyfriend, but then i realised, she might not have an answer readily because she does not want to think of being disappointed with him in that magnitude, thus i withheld the question. i threw the question back at myself, and i found out too, i could not answer it, for likewise, i had not given it such thought, and i was not eager to.

i do not for one second doubt that God knows what would caused Him to be the most disappointed with us, and because he does know, it only shows He has given it thought.

not in any way did He require to think about it to know the answer since He is all-knowing, but it stands out like a sore thumb amongst all the rest who have not thought about things as such with regards to their love ones, that we have not thought about it, thus we have no idea of how we will prevent circumstances from getting to that stage, or worse still, how we (those who do not think about such things) would react should the worst actually be reality one day.

ok, i've decided i want to put it out of my mind.

i'm going to spend the day wisely. of which the Lord has claim over a portion over.

i am upset.
i am upset about being upset.
and i am upset because it was a movie, that reflected reality. i think romantic passion as such is what causes many to give themselves away freely to each other nowadays, and because it is glamourized and well sought after by many with the mindset that it's to be yearned for, i am upset.

i sighed a breathe of my soul away into nothingness..

no prizes for guessing

try in all your knowledge of how i would react - with your absolute understanding of me as a friend - to the following:

a hollywood-ed, romanticized love story of Tristan and Isolde.

if you still don't get the flow, let me spell it out. i am disgusted. please do not waste your money watching it, or your time for that matter.

i realised if there's one arena of my life in which i still judge, it's movies. and trust me when i say i'm not sorry that i do. for i judge only to know what's right or wrong, or simply put, what He would have me watch, or otherwise.

i'm grieved at the words she used, that degradation of love, and the abomination in which the script was written, quoting the source of love to be God. sickly twisted. arGh!

if the question in your mind at this point in time is,
"why's he so worked up about the show?"
give me a ring on my cellphone if you have the answer, cause i don't, although i think it's cause i'm upset.

dreams

i used to think they rob me of proper rest.

not untill i starting dreaming pleasant dreams.

but should that change with a nightmare?

i ain't clear. it was but a dream.

toast, butter and jam.
i had that for dinner.
yummy. i ain't being sarcastic here.
hmmm.. alright, so ange's off once again. she'll be back sometime in july hopefully. that's if her papa's not bent on bringing them all to shanghai or thailand since her sister wouldn't be able to make it anyway.

i will excuse myself from conversation of any sort in future should i feel uneasy about the content on which the group has unaimously decided to charter it's chatters upon.

it's off to another 12 hours of work, solo night shift. muahahaha, at least i'll get to work on my own stuff throughout the night should the sitrep be quiet. i hope it is. when it's over, it'll then mean that i'll have to rush home to sleep so that i won't crash the vehicle later on in the day when i go for driving, and then it's on to picking up Rachel from true way. trust me, if there's one thing that makes me happy, it's her =)

it still amazes me how obstinate one can be. it's as though liquid metal was inject into the sides of the brain and immediately cooled to harden, thus ensuring that nothing else get in - not discounting the fact that it probably was pretty empty to begin with -. that is pure stubborness.

they think it's cool, i'll leave them be.

that shall be my tag line, my little excuse to not ponder any longer than i should about people whose actions i disagree with, and i deem not the norm. i realise it's really pointless saying or doing anything unless the person's heart wants to hear or recieve whatever one attempts to do.

gosh, i'll faint in exhaustion one day if i try to be Mr Nice to everyone. i think some young punks ought to learn it the hard way. let's just hope conscription does it's well known job of changing boys to men. as far as i see it, it hasn't worked for our dearest subject.

arGh. enough said and done for now. goodnight.

it was nice of you to tell me, thank you.

i sure hope dreams do come true.

and the day went by like this..

it started out with waking up to a morning of Otah Bun which mama made with love. it was really spicy, but nevertheless i finished it cause mama made it for me =) thank you mom *hug

then it was on to more sleep, but i was woken up by mommy telling me she was leaving the house and i had to close the windows should it rain. the moment she stepped out, keys outside the door jingled again and i thought she forgot something. it was Shaun though. he had returned from an apparently early day in school. he watched tv for a solid 2 hours or so before switching it off and lying in bed for his afternoon slumber. my my my.. i wonder how he's tackling his exams. passed him his keypad (which happened to cost a bomb for a keypad), of which i got for him since he wouldn't use his white cover unless he's got the matching keypad, and it's true that the white cover's nicer.

i intend to redo my wish list.. i'm staving off the D70s for 2 months. due to financial constrain, and other priorities.

MOTOSLVR 7 is probably the next phone i'm going to get, either that or the SAMSUNG D600. but till then, i'll be content with my nokia6100 cause sms'ing with it is really easy.

hmmm... maybe i'll say more later, but then again, maybe i won't.

PS: laser mouse technology's good. i like my new Microsoft Laser 6000 =)