nerve and health wrecking these late nights are getting

hmmm.. i got home at 4plus, which is like half an hour ago.
from matt's place. played lotsa mahjong, but more importantly, i had a good time with my classmates. ok, not all of them, not even a few of them, but one in particular, and i'm thankful for what he shared about. i too will cherish this friendship =)

----------

hmmm.. okok, i really need to go sleep now, if not i would just continue coughing away like it's the norm to, and never recover.
i promise myself i would put an entry up about a reflection about the past three days. i need to. yeah. get in touch.

does a new experience with the old make it new?

well, it was definitely refreshing to be able to play with someone who actually understands the game so much better.
it helped that she had her own equipment, and she's a better than average player.
serious about her game, not just some social player who plays to look cool.
i was quite turned off by the two girls i saw playing whilst waiting for my table. sigh, but then again, i don't know them, and i can't judge.

hmmm.. should be playing tonight again. hope i can play well tonight again.
the left portion of my face's hurting behind the eye, some muscle cramp of some sort. darn.. it's better after the nap, but it's still contributing to the headache.

torrential blessings. i cannot imagine what it would be like for Noah's generation who never saw rain, and were warned that a great flood would arise from 40days and nights of rain. hmmm.. logic sometimes gets in the way, but maybe it was meant to do so, so that His glory can be manifested.

another week of lectures, darn. hope i can settle down quickly to study.
i must!

agreeing to disagree

what a joke,

that i ate lunch and felt full for dinner.
that i made a decision to join my close friends for a movie, and feel guilty for it.
that i bothered to reply a message even amidst the discomfort.
that i force myself to believe i'm happy with the way things are, when i'm downcasted everytime i realise the seconds ticking by, add on to the time length that i don't know how you're doing.

------------------------------------

shrek 2 was good.
the company was good, thank you ladies.
the funny scenes were really good, thank God for laughter, and for the means that i could have watched it.
next few movies on the WANTED list:
1. Van Helsing
2. Troy
3. The day after tomorrow

gosh, the first two are like OLD!!!!! but i still have not caught them.. and i wonder why..

-----------------------------------

thank You Lord for music, both christian and non-christian music.
the good oldies that sing of love,
the newer sappy ones like 'the reason' that sing of love too,
and the ones by your children singing about Your Love. =)

mom just bought me my new CD-Rs, good ones, cause i've learnt which ones to get, thankfully. hope they work even better with my player this time, not like the Sony ones. i mean, they're ok for normal CDs and for those who can't hear the difference in their music, but i can, and it matters to me. so i'm thankful. yes.
i've been listening to my music at 40% the volume. need to preserve my hearing.
i'm going deaf with my drumming according to some people, and some personal observation.

----------------------------------

if this portion speaks to you, please respond, either here or in your own updates.
you surprised me plesantly before, by replying to this question i once asked.
i ask it once again, in hope that you would respond.
do you still read these updates?

i learnt that something did happen, and things weren't right for you, no particular idea about what exactly though, that's why i tried calling to ask. didn't get through then, still haven't gotten through up till today. i don't want to force you to tell me your problems, neither do i want to force you to talk. i ask to know whether you're doing fine, but i realise that too ain't my right. you don't owe me the knowledge of your well-being. the choice is yours. i am upset about this friendship, or rather the lack of growth of it. if you're busy, i understand. but if you're telling me you wish to stop participating in this friendship, then please let me know.

----------------------------------

2 more days of school, and then the break. but since the first week's going to be back in school, make that another 10 days then. haha.
hmmm.. i have to report for TAF twice a week in the holidays at 7am. gosh. but oh well...
i cleared my NAPFA!!! hahaha yay!! praise the Lord =)
but i think i'll be retaking it in july again to do better.

pride comes before a fall, i understood that in the small lesson You taught to thwart my ego about my running. it ain't fantastic, no doubt it's better than average, or the expected, but it's still got room for improvment, and absolutely no room for such pride. thank you Lord.

---------------------------------

that's all folks for now, dinner, and tuts, and QT! yay!
**looking forward to joining izzy at LE again this week, finally get to go back there after 3 weeks of unexpected plans, and duties back at KPC.

my imagination runs, wild maybe for that matter, but it's got no right to in the first place.
i can't help that it hurts, when you act the way you do.
it's you being you, and that's why i accept it.
in a friend's words, doing something right doesn't mean you have to feel good about it.
it's this case. you see, the right thing to do, would be to accept, leave you alone, and just step aside, in hope that i could inch closer if circumstances allow it in future. yeah, that's what i try to do, but whether i feel good about it, is another thing.

it hurts, it really does.
panadol, ponstan, and painkillers, can put me to sleep, but why do i need sleep when the pain's only painful when i'm awake?

bridges are built to bridge gaps, as words are spoken to bring points across

although i'm still on MC officially today, and i ain't feeling exactly fine, i'm really glad i made the decision to go down to school today, and get my blazer for the choir concert.

i was happy to be of help to the choir, i did it for my friends, and because duty called, but nevertheless, the smiles made it all worth while.

after the concert, was the most enjoyable part of my evening. it was a short time as compared to the long day i had, but nevertheless, it was the most cherished moment of the day. =)
a flash, smiles, and a moment captured in time.
thank you.
it was my pleasure to carry your stuff for you in view that you were all dolled up, hope the persistence the second time i offered didn't turn you off.

it's been another day i must thank the Lord for, for all that has happened, and all that hasn't.

to you, yes you, goodnight and sweet dreams =)

night people

asking need not always end with recieving

ask and you shall recieve.
no, i asked, thrice (up till date lah), and i never did recieve, not that receiving in this context is of much relevance.

ok, i'm misquoting the Word, but yeah, it's for comic relief. spare me the preaching about it if you're thinking of lecturing me on this yeah?

i'm listening to 92.4FM nice music lah. soft and quiet.
hmmm.. had dinner with a friend near my place today. was quite surprised actually. didn't really plan for it, she just happened to be in the area, that's why.

my knees have been re-busted, and my nafa's like next tuesday. i'm so dead. =\ hope the weekend would allow me to rest it.

another day

haha, there's a song by Lene Marlin with this title, but no, i'm not going to type out the lyrics, and neither was i thinking about this song.

it's another morning, one that i woke up to.
it's another blessing, a manifestation of His grace,
that i should recieve another 24hours worth of sunshine, fresh air, love, friendship,
alongside the same 24hours worth of stress, fatigue, anger, tension, and unpleasantries,
but one compliments the other,
for what would the day be without the night?
or darkness without the presence of His light?

thank you Lord for the week being what it has been =)

haircut appointment with Fiona
pool
movie with lump (maybe we'll be spotted together by norman and he'll start screaming) hahaha
and dinner with a few people whom i cherish (don't know who'll be there though; the queen's going, piglet's mother's bday though, lump's going, don't know about the rest)

just had a good breakfast with my brother. =)

that's all for now.

what really matters

the people/things that can get you the most worked up, upset, or emotionally charged up, are those you hold closest to your heart.

the value you place upon these people/things, is what makes them who they are to you. so don't be upset that you're angry with someone or be unhappy as a result of someone being unwell. read between, and beyond the lines. it shows that you truly care for them, and that they do actually mean quite a bit to you.

it was a case of miscommunication, and a friend heard wrongly, but i ain't going to deny that it did affect me as a whole.

haha, i failed my 2BL5 assessment test, but what i learnt after that made the failure seem miniscule. hahaha.. =) yay!

i'm on to a section of the night i'm happy about, talking to Him, after which i would do my tuts. have all 3 subs to do, but i'm putting physics last today. hahahah =p

short and sweet, that's what i hope this entry would be.

i'm talking to Him again, and i'm really happy about it! =)
i've started writing again, not coming up with fantastic poems and what not, but just writing to myself in my journal. the pen and paper style you know? =)
i'm running lots, but i'm happy. hope to do well for NAFA, and need to lose more weight.
tired, but will keep going.
need to take my vitamins and supplements regularly man.
have been practising on my piano, glad i'm doing so.

night earth

saying sorry when you have to makes it all better. learn to throw your pride away, and things get settled easier, because then you're slow to anger, quick to listen, and willing to accept other viewpoints.

the last time i said sorry, was about 2 hours ago to my dad. this apology wasn't an easy way out to just escape the threats, and to ease this tension at the moment. it was made after thought. i know i was in the wrong, and i wanted to do something about it.
i've been selfish, no doubt about it.
i also said sorry to Him today, and i had a good part of the day in LE today.
i'm thinking, and i'm asking for directions.

here's the plan for certain things for now:
1. i'll do my QT everyday, starting at about 930 give and take. i've not been close to Him, that's probably why everything's out of order. it's chaotic.
2. 4 times practise on the piano at least weekly, 25-30mins per session. need to stop wasting money going for lessons and not practising.
3. will help out with the clothes on fri, sat and sunday evenings. this is the minimum. yeap.

i understand how love for your family can drive you to do things for them, even though it's contrary to what's been agreed upon, even when your well-being's being infringed upon. i didn't learn that through first hand experience, i learnt it through the tears my dad shed.

so many things i must admit, that need to be done, but seriously, i don't think any of them are as important as the few that really do matter.
i need to start talking to Him again, spending time in this relationship can only be right.
i need to start loving again, not myself, but others.
i need to get my work back into a disciplined routine.

i guess with this 3things in place, the other parts of my life would more or less fall into place. friends are included in that 2nd point. =) and the people i love more so too.

dinner, and then on to the part of the evening, which i'm looking forward to. time to go at my tuts, and spending time with Him. =)

lots to say, more to hear, and even more to think about.

i have always believed that most knowledge is gained from reading. that was what drove me to start reading when i was young. i ain't as much into reading as my sister is, i think she's the benchmark. and i ain't kidding about her being good in english.

i've read some stuff, and it's invoked feelings in me i can't describe.
i've listened to some music, which has caused me to feel quite sappy, and sad.
i've gone through my day's worth of activities, and with today's, i feel _______. i don't have a word for it, i'm sorry. i played pool, it was good. i watched a show, it was enjoyable. i don't want to rate the movie, but i do know that i felt good spending that time. i'm reminded that the only thing i really own, is my time. maybe it's cause i ain't giving enough time to my family, that's why they hate me, and that's why they're treating me this way. i've always thought that i've been blessed with a good family, i still think so, but i'm starting to think maybe it would be better off without me. i'm not suggesting i run away, and no, i'm not being pessimistic, or cynical for that matter. it's just that i've seen that i'm a blot on a white sheet, and it would be more beautiful without me. call it running away? i don't know, it's up to you if you want to judge.
i wrote stuff today, and it's got me thinking. i hope i'll write more.

i'm tired, i'm very tired.
night earth.

Hoobastank - The reason (the whole album's quite good for those of you who like the likes of simple plan, POD, and the other punk rock bands lah. but that particular song's really nice.)
Book i'm on: (2 actually; 1. Confucious Jade, 2. An artist's potrait, as an old man)

i intend to read this evening, and the only thing that would disrupt this, is the phone. i might talk to some people, but if otherwise, don't think i would communicate with others online, or pretty much do anything else. should i take coffee?

yay, tomorrow's a public holiday, which means, i get to sleep late. something i have not done in a really long long long long time. it's not about the number of hours i sleep, it's just not having to wake up to a disgustingly early morning.

------------------------------------------------
The Reason

i'm not a perfect person,
there's many things i wished i didn't do.
but i continue learning,
i never meant to do those things to you,
and so i have to say before i go,
that i just want you to know,

i found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be,
a reason to start over new,
and that reason is you.

i'm sorry that i hurt you,
it's something i must live with everyday.
and all the pain i put you through,
i wished i could take it all away,
and be the one who catches all your tears,
that's why i need you to hear,

i found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be,
a reason to start over new,
and the reason is you...

and the reason is you,
and the reason is you,
and the reason is you..

i'm not a perfect person,
i never meant to do those things to you,
and so i have to say before i go,
that i just want you to know.
i found a reason for me,
to change who i used to be, a reason to start over new,
and that reason is you.
i found a reason to show,
a side of me you didn't know,
a reason for all that i do,
and the reason is you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own and I am never broken
We are never broken
We are god's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are god's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are god's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are god's hands
We are god's hands

--------------------------------------------------

this two songs are the ones i really like now, don't ask me why only now that i like 'hands' i just like the lyrics. no need to report a reason huh. =)
i'm going to shower now, i badly need it, and i'll settle into a comfortable reading position on my bed, one that wouldn't harm my eyes any further, and no i don't read lying down. =p
talk to you later if i do, whoever you may be.
i'm hoping, but yeah, hope's what gets life going when the going gets to life.
night earth.

i'm lost, but i ain't so sure i want to find out where i'm supposed to be headed.

i'm lost with regards to why i do what i do anymore, especially in the activities that once meant so much to me. i think they still do mean quite a bit to me, but i question why no longer as much. maybe i should just stop questioning.

friends are probably the best things that have happened to me, and at times like these, i don't know why i no longer want to talk about anything to anyone anymore. for now, i'm contended with typing this crap out here, listening to slower but nice music, get a good shower, and then hide under my quilt to 'sleep'.

is it my refuge? why have i been reduced to such waste? well, taking into consideration that i was never much of an accomplishment to be proud of to begin, who am i to complain.. maybe i'll talk less, much much less, and run more, much much more.

smile, i wish i could do that to you, whoever 'you' may be. it's hard, but it's not impossible. it's not.
i know things, yet there's much more i don't.

and yes, i do still love.
night.

did you know that 'i' has 32meanings? or rather, that letter alone represents 32 things. check it out at www.dictionary.com
hahaha. hmmm.. i was walking a 20min walk into CDC before my bike prac, and i was talking to Him. i'm thankful i did. i cleared some stuff out of my head, and i'm glad i know where i stand now, where i have to go.

laters people.

ps: ly, this wasn't the latest entry i was referring to. haha. hope you have fun in church.

i won't say i'm elated, but i must say that i'm happy you've made up your mind. at least now you know you're on one side of the fence and not the other. be glad you're no longer sitting on the fence, that hurts.
whatever the consequences might be, be mindful that you have to live with it now. don't fret though, because the future's unknown, and there's still hope!

it may seem bleak from here, it happens from time to time, even though you've made your decision now.
it's like preparing for your latest big exam, which was the Os. hahaha, you slogged so hard for it, and on the afternoon that you take your last paper, your journey home seems weird. it feels as though you're missing something, but you soon realise the meaning of that feeling. be happy about it, and start to smile, it does more than make you feel better at that moment in time.

your friends are there for you, and if i'm included in that circle of people, then yes, i'm there for you too. i want to be, and i'm waiting for the second green light you could consider giving. do you remember the first? haha. =)
i'm pondering on the issue of being frank with you, but i'm reminded that some things need not to be said. in her words, you probably already know, but it's not the right time to talk about it now, so i'll leave it as that for now. let me know in your own ways when you're good to talk, and i'll be more than glad to share with you what i would like to tell you. =)

----------------------------------------------

i'm in the midst of constructing my study schedule. hahaha, yes, i'm pretty revved up about my studies now, esp since i've not done my tutorials properly up till this point in the week.
i hope to get back on track, i hope for alot of things, but it would be nothing more than hope if i don't do anything about it.

i'm going for my bike prac now, 2BL4. hahaha, 4 more lessons before i can register for my test date. cleared my theory section already, now need to book a date for my RTT, hope i can clear that too.
alright now, take care all on this warm wednesday afternoon.

the world of opposites

in someone's words, the people who smile the most in the day are those who cry the hardest at night.

if i was given a choice, i think i would rather smile in the day and cry at night. at least then i know that in the course of the day, i brought joy to some with the smile i wore. it's fine with me that i cry at night, cause it would be to myself and Him, and the best part, He won't forsake me.
thanks for the sound advice you gave with regards to my mother, very simple, but very true. haha, leave her alone, angry/pissed/agitated mothers are individuals who see no other logic but theirs at that moment, so yeah, just stay clear.

------------------------------------------

i'm glad we're talking, i really am.
"maybe the next lunch we have wouldn't be that awkward anymore" quipped someone, and i couldn't help but smile at that hope.
it's amazing how hope gets you through life.
at the end of the day, should this friendship fall away with time, i would still thank you for having been part of a friendship that i once experienced hope, because it would have helped make me who i would be then.

night earth

acceptance makes it all easier

to tell you i accept all that's happening, i would be lying.
to tell you i want no more or less than what's going on in my life, i wouldn't be truthful.

let me know how i can go about telling you the truth, and then maybe we'll make something beautiful work out of this.

a need and a want

what i want, may not be what i need.
that's something i've been told ever since i starting wanting things, those that my parents thought i didn't need.

being who i want to be.
being who i need to be.
i'm having a hard time choosing even though it's only two choices i have.

i value my friendships, and they need time, but because of my 'high strung jc life' as my mom puts it, the things i value in life are no longer getting their fair share of time.
i'm definitely the weakest at home nowadays. i sleep the most, yet i'm always the most tired. i'm always having a weak stomach nowadays, and in the past 4 months, i've fallen sick more than all three of them add up together. that's quite disgusting. hmmm, i don't know if there's anything i can do about it.
i leave for school when the sky's dark, i return when the sky's darker.
i stay in school to finish up my tutorials, and although i'm at pace with the current syllabus, i haven't even started studying, and i'm already so pressed for time.
someone commented that she thinks i'm someone who doesn't prioritise these things like friendships above my studies and work, and i felt ironic.
i felt that i know deep down within me, i did and still do value them, but yeah, i can't act out what i feel, simply because i'm who i am in the many areas i'm invovled in like school and church.
if you're feeling lost reading this entry halfway, don't fret, i'm feeling lost writing it too. there's no particular point i'm trying to make today.
i failed my last gp essay again, i'm getting quite sick of it.
i'm getting sick of failing all my tests, and that's precisely why i'm going to get up at 530am tomorrow morning to do my math revision and practise before leaving for church at 730am. then i'll come back in the afternoon to go at my math again.
i'm sick of having people look at me or rather at the badge i wear and smirk away.
i'm sick of falling below expectations, that's why i chose to volunteer myself for CTC, and especially as the logistic officer in the comm, even though i have no inkling as to what's needed of logistics.

i ain't hiding that i'm a troubled youth nowadays.

i want to continue to lose weight so i can get out of taf, and remain healthy, but i don't even have time anymore to go for my daily runs.
i must admit that taf has helped me gain much of my stamina back, i clocked 10m32s for my 2.4km run on monday morning, but yeah, it's irritating having to report for your own health don't you think? that's why i'm going to push myself harder, further, and to a point that i collaspe if need be, so long i can prove it to myself, no one else but myself.
i'm back on Hydroxicut, and thanks to a promotion, i got a good deal for 280pills. hope the longer period of consumption would have better effects with the extra work i'm going to make my body do.

tomorrow's going to be a good day in church, and i thank Him for that.
it's going to be a day where i ask Him to show me what i should do, and i ask of obedience to follow suit.

night earth.

happy moments in life

sometimes, when the going gets tough, or it's been really dry, someone just comes along, maybe talks to you for just a short while, and it all seems much better, because you're happy =)

yes i am happy tonight, i ain't going to hide it.

thanks for talking to me, i liked it alot. =)

** the clearest way you show someone you love them, is when you give them your time, because that's what you really own at the end of the day. your life ain't yours, it's His, so yeah, whilst you're here, you've probably got your own time as yours, truly yours. so be wise with your time, and tell people you love them when you do =)

good night earth =)

The act or process of gradually declining or diminishing

ever wondered why you stopped drinking milk as a kid? and went on to solid food? or even better, why your mother stopped breast feeding you? (putting the bio aside) and moved you on to milk powder?

you grow stronger as you wane yourself off the things you need. as a young infant, you needed milk, and look at the hell a kid can give you when he's not given his fair share of milk? wouldn't you agree that you needed it quite badly then?
move on to the time you started eating from a plate/bowl of your own? where your parents would dish you a small portion of whatever solid food they ate like chicken rice? or some veg?
apart from the literal intake of sustenance, ask yourself what else happened?
you grew to be a stronger being wouldn't you say so?

in that light, maybe i should wane myself off the things i hold dear to my heart, the things i 'need' per se, like my friends? the time spent on the phone with my close friends? the time i give to myself? the space given to me?
it might make me a stronger person, but it would definitely be painful and lonely. it's a chance i'm taking against a known fact. and we wonder why we take risk huh.. haha.

i don't know, you guys tell me, i'll let you all decide.
maybe i'll regress into the life of an old grumpy hermit, a curmudgeon.