did i mention i bought myself a new bible? i think it's so pretty. the brown leather cover, and it's ESV - English Standard Version, the same one andrew's using. maybe we could study the text together then. haha.

yay!~ i'm going to church today. haven't done so in 6 weeks. and i miss them alot. everyone in church. my kids, the youths, godpa, my cellgroup, and the musicians. all of them yes, i miss them all. probably miss the batch meal, not really interested in it, but i really wanna thank the juniors. shall get them something to thank them.

oh well, it's raining, and it's cold, but i know i can seek warmth from the Lord. things are just happening around me now, and i ain't exactly interested in paying attention to any particular one event at this point in time. if it's apathy Lord, help me, but if it's a breather i'm taking from all that hustle and bustle, then please let me have it.

the big black bird came..

C-R-O-W

haha..
can't be bothered with it lah, i know they pinned it down on me based on something they couldn't verify, and since they're got those gold things on their shoulders, i shall not attempt to blow it up. i just wanna complete the course and be done with this school.

i'm back from MSTD, and with the pipe that the MXO just made, i look back 4 months, and smile to myself. it's flown by, and soon the rest of the thirteen weeks would too.

"the 54th WEF today are known as seniors, the white admin shorts would be purchased and issued tomorrow..."

i first remember the feeling when i first heard that the OCS course was going to be 38 weeks long, 4 weeks short of the supposed 42weeks that my seniors went through, but the figure 38 seem daunting, and scary at that time. now it's been reduced to 13, and it's exactly 90 days left. deepak and i counted earlier on. haha..

i'm back at the wingline, serving the confinement that we got as a batch due to an integrity problem. i ain't going to shun away that we all copied from those taskbooks, but it's an open secret that all batches did so, and only we were dumb enough to get caught. haha. i'm just going to shake it off with laughter. the only pity's that i didn't get to go to church today. i miss it lots, i miss my kids, i miss my cellgroup, and i miss Him.

so much has happened, but then again, it's so much only because i've been away and the lack of update's probably what makes all this change seem gargantuan.

i made a decision not to worry so much, and hopefully that helps me not to think unnecessary thoughts too. i wanna live for the moment, enjoying and savouring every single bit of Him bringing us through it all.

just because i'm human, and humans are fallible, it ain't a reason for me to have fell. trust me, i hate it. i don't usually use that word, cause i think it's strong. but yes i'm using it this time.

thankful for the prayer session we had last night, hopefully there'll be another this sunday even as we climb Mt Bromoe.

will you be there with me in spirit?

1. NKJV bible with concordance, center columns cross reference, His words in red, hopefully more than one ribbon marker, and of a maximum thickness. would be nice to have it smaller than A4, larger then A5, and it would be lovely in brown leather. my oh my, hope it comes along.

2. brown b.buffel set. sheesh, the money ain't the problem. it's when i would allow myself to get it.

3. more ram for my laptop. hopefully dad pays for this.

in case you're wondering, that's my wishlist as of today.

---------------------------------

so much said over coffee, well, not literally in words, but in the thoughts that were going through my mind. somehow i see that reading the last two books, and having spent time with You onboard the ship has been a way to prepare me mentally for what i learnt today from her. i in no way hold anything against her, and i'm glad i spoke what i said, because i know it came with the wisdom that you gave me. i can only thank you. yes that's what i will do. =)

good morning to you all, it's my last day in spore before i set sail. well, the night's rest was good, albeit being short, but i'm thankful for small mercies.

i had a few thoughts running through my head last night before i fell into slumber. random, but all part of what makes me who i am.

i don't really remember planning per se to have said whatever i did, and i don't know whether what i said's going to reap positive or negative repercussion.

got to start packing before i leave for mj to pass shyuan his textbook, pass izzy my textbook, collect my cert, and catch up with some friends and hopefully a teacher - although i don't know what we can talk about - and then on to lunch, before coming home to rest and finish up the packing.

God's been faithful.

i've finished reading my book. "Every Young Man's Battle" is a must read for young christian men, like myself, who live in a world like ours.

i) bouncing my eyes away
ii) acknowledging that i was bought at a price and that i should live my life for Him, and not in a way i simply wish to.
iii) remember that as God's child there must not be a hint of sexual immorality in my life, for that's not what He desires of us as his children.

i'll be sailing off in another 5 days, and there things to be settled. i'm glad i've finally arranged for them to be. let's see how all goes. tonight's D&D should be fine albeit the officers' presence, hope they don't destroy the fun with their weird rules and what not.

tomorrow's coaching with uncle mengkim at 3pm, not sure what i'll do at night.
nothing planned for sat, maybe i'll spend the day resting, or maybe shopping.
sunday! =) hahaha, class with my kids, bible study, and the afternoon with her! what more can i ask for huh? *smiles*
monday should be spent with lump if nothing goes wrong.
and then i'm off on tuesday. hahahahaha..

oh well.. till then.. till things fall into place, pray and don't give up hope =)

frankly, with what's been shared tonight, what more could i ask for? =)

what's 2 months or 6 weeks for that matter compared to an eternity?
what's a 'go slow' sign compared to being able to declare it's a red light for the days to come?

i know it's what i want, and i'm glad you said what you did. let's wait and see, more importantly, let's pray and wait upon the Lord. i miss you, yes i do.

see you soon.

my phone's spoilt, and this probably means that i'm going to lose all my data in the phone if i send it for repair. yeah, i'm going to lose some really precious messages from friends, but i thought about it, and i sorta found a solution to it.

i'm off to onboard ship training for this week, hope you all take care and have a great week ahead =)

"it's 2 months, not 3. i don't think i would survive that"

haha, according to her, i should tell you this, cause she thinks it would be really sweet, but would it mean the same to you?

i'm amazed at the way words flow in the conversations with other friends. the magnificent pictures we paint with words, but when it comes to talking to you, i'm dumbstruck. i think it's mainly cause i watch you in silence at times, that's what i call appreciating beauty.

James Blunt - You're beautiful

for those who thought i was going to fly up to the clouds cause i was leaving camp for the weekend, it wasn't that case. =p

anyway, that was yesterday. here's today.

if there's one thing i care about, it's you. yes you.
and it's there's a second thing i care about, it's my kids. i know i care enough for them to make a decision in my life, knowing that it's for their good.

in uncle mengkim's words,

a Godly mentor is one who constantly directs his mentees to God, and not to himself.

yeah, that served to remind me of how i should talk to my kids whenever i
take the lessons, or when i call them up during the week. i should also not put
them in situations where comparison should be made between their leaders.

yeah, thus i made a choice. it's personal, and i don't think anyone else but God knows. don't think i'm ready to share it as yet, but maybe in future. just maybe =)

i'm really glad you're being more comfortable with me. i truly am. hope you settled into hostel well, it's going to a week long camp, do take care and hope you stay in the pink of health don't quit smiling, it's beautiful, you're beautiful.

i could fly up to the clouds now i tell you, i really could =) hahahahahah *smiles*

liberty parade in 5mins, home sweet home!! =)

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!~!~!~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~

ok, i just needed to let that out.

laters

today's briefing was on MSTD, and on a positiev note, it seems like it's going to be a good time afterall. not that it would be a holiday per se, because it's a training deployment, at least we're going to go through an experience that not many others would ever have a chance to.

from the looks of it, the first leg's going to be the most tiring, since it's going to be 11 days at sea straight as compared to the other 3 legs, but oh well, what's only tough that doesn't kill you would only make you stronger.

the security briefing after that MSTD briefing was bad, very very bad. 3 quarts the class was falling asleep most of the time, and the rest who were awake were busy learning their morse codes and flags. hahaha, i kinda got the hang of it too. =)

.. --|..|...|... .-..|---|..-

MIDS Challenge – the very start was the very end

Man, that slow excruciating pain as it slowly crept into my thigh muscle group. That hurt quite a bit. Whether I relaxed or stretched, it just wouldn’t go away. I was sent to the medical center shortly after that. Upon reaching, deep heat spray was applied to my thighs and I couldn’t really feel anything after that because both my legs were numb at that point in time. Sat down, and I started to feel nausea, so I rushed to the toilet and puked out what little was left of the Red Bull drink I had barely an hour ago. My head was spinning a little too. I’m starting to think maybe it’s got something to do with the blood. Firstly, the lack of it that led to the initial pain in my muscle, then the lactic acid buildup. Then as all the blood finally rushed to my legs, it moved away from my brain, and that’s why I probably felt giddy. The last time I puked cause of such pain was when MJ lost to SAJC 3-2 after leading 2-0 in the first half. Those were the days of council.

That aside, I have been feeling moody. I can’t say it’s exactly healthy, but I’m just responding to the situations that are happening around me. Here you have a senior of the 53rd government body breathing down your neck, although about issues that you know you’re in the wrong, but it’s just the face. Crap, I know that’s a lousy excuse, and I should not be feeling like that. Till I get over it, just let me feel like this for now.

On a happier note, the MSTD government for the 54th has been announced. Linkesh is MWC, Benedict’s MXO, Kovin’s MSO, Santhosh’s MMO, Weixian’s MLO, my buddy Jason’s MEO, last but not Nigel’s MSAO. In Links’ words, we’ll go through this together. If the shit hits the fan, then let’s take it together as a batch, at least when we stand on the parade square on that final day, we would be equals, and not someone not worth looking in the eye.

I retook my ASTRO test, hope I’ll clear it this time. At least I did not walk out of the room knowing that I will fail. I’m just waiting to use the computer today, cause I want to read up on the news, and I also want to do some blog reading. However, Daniel has just informed me, that blog surfing is not allowed in the gunroom on those two computers that have Internet access. Yeah right, I read the standing orders, and nowhere was it mentioned, I am not going to be bothered by what he said. We’re having silent MXO rounds now, so I’m just slacking away. Oh well, who cares? At least I know I don’t for now.

I just watched the phantom of the opera, and I’m feeling what some may call either ‘lovey-dovey’ or I prefer the word emotional. I don’t know if this contributes to what they say as loving the idea of being in love, it is Hollywood after all, but to chuck it away into a category that does not fully represent it would be unfair to it’s author. It is a love story that was written beautifully and I’m thankful that it has been made into a production as such. The costumes were beautiful and the music was nice, although some of it was ‘contemporarized’. I say this because I watched the play when I was much younger and having been trained in classical piano, I get a little edgy with such correction to music that belongs to a play of such a genre.

Oh well, then the thoughts come again. I know it’s never going to happen, not in my life at least, not such a love story. I don’t doubt that something as wonderful or even better (in terms I cannot comprehend) can and may happen if I have the Lord’s blessings with the life partner He has set aside for me, but with the way things are going, all seems, hopeless?

No it doesn’t, I’m just feeling despondent, and I know on the more rational side of my mind that it is not time. God has a purpose for putting me through NS, and I am not going to let my world crumble apart. It can’t, not when whatever process I am going through is part of His plan for me. See the logic or rather the lack of it when people who claim to have faith that God’s in their lives go,

“Oh no, my life is falling apart, everything just is not going my way!”

We love because He first loved us – 1 John 4:19

Lord I truly touch my heart and thank you that you first loved us, and that you gave us love. Lord, help me to understand, appreciate and differentiate the gifts of love and emotions Lord. They compliment one another perfectly at times, and it’s another one of those unexplainable wonders – the feelings that we feel – of your omnipotence Lord. Help me learn that although I love being in touch with those feelings, I have to be matured to accept that maybe the time is just not right yet. Loving that someone special can only come about if you give your blessings, and Lord, that I know that is what truly matters to me. Help me love my friends with the love that you have for them, and that I truly be a friend to them with no selfish intentions Lord. I cherish the angels that you have put in my life and they make me who I am Lord. Continue to help me grow into the person you’ve made me to be, all these I thank You for and pray in Your name.

Amen.

let me go in sequence, since time is on my side today.

had coffee with josh and regina on sunday after bible study. good session, and the takeaway of the session was that there would come a point in time when i would have to tackle issue and not people whether i felt like it or not.
it's going to be like this especially when it invovles humans who's characters are unique to themselves and it ain't going to be easy to change them.

came back to camp, had an ok night's rest, and was preparing myself mentally for the sortie next day, ended up just sleeping a little later not having done much perparation like going through the charts etc

sortie was good, was blessed with a relac-jack CO MAJ DEPAK KUMAR. cool guy! it was a fam-sortie, and i learnt quite a bit. it was definitely a great feeling having the wind in your hair,and a beautiful sight - the wharf retreating to the horizon as we slipped off. standing on the bridge wing with the sun setting thus making the sea red was probably what i enjoyed the most, but some officer had to come spoil it by giving me an attitude when i took over as MOW - Midshipmen Of the Watch. oh well, i've got things to learn, so i shall just suck it up.

then came MOD de-brief. it was supposed to be short. then came along the term de-brief discussion, it was supposed to be short too. but one after another - this wasn't planned - batch mates stood up and voiced out their opinions. some lamented and swore at their unhappiness with certain issues of the batch, and others stood up to take the blame for it. in all sincerity, i'm glad this 'trashing session' took place, but would it really work results? i hope so.
also, the pre-mids are here. i don't want to be to them what the seniors were to us. i hope i can be a friend to them. period.
the day's very very slacked. the regulars are outta camp for dental check-up, thus the NSFs like myself are back at wingline with nothing to do till lunch. after lunch, a DO interview is scheduled, and with cpt leong as our DO.. haha, what else needs to be said?

alright laters.

A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction - that's what dic.com defines an infatuation to be.

infatuation is the idea of being in love. - that's what someone said.

well, i don't know really. have i loved or have i just been stuck with the idea of being in love? sure i do love my parents, sister and brother, and friends like handi, Yy, josh and andrew, and i must say, it's hardly what i would call a feeling oriented kinda love, if you know what i mean. it's been more a subtle deep understanding that what i feel for them is something i chose. so does that then make love something that's meant to be void of feelings?

don't get me wrong when i speak of feelings here, because i do understand that love is essentially an act of the will, and not some warm, cosy, lovey-dovey feeling that we 'feel' as a result of chemical reactions in our bodies.

the Word speaks of love, - the ideal kind - the one that the Lord has for us, but truly, in all pessimism, how can fallen beings like you and i ever dare to dream of loving one another when love was from God to us?

on a more positive note, i think they who say that love defies logical trains of thought are truly wise men, or rather those who have humbly resigned to the fact that we as beings of well below par acumen would never grasp the simple yet noble idea/concept of love. because i would never be able after having lived for my past 19years to say i do not love my parents, sister and brother.

i'm afraid, of the unknown. truly, i do not know what lies ahead, although i can hope, optimism or pessimism are but opinions of a fallen faculty of thought, i've felt much, too much in fact in the past few days, that i ought to take a breather from feelings and focus on brain power exercise, mental stress, and getting my facts into my head for MSTD.

night and out.

true, you would be happy if you got what you want, but happiness is wanting what you have..

Lord, help me be contented with what you put in my life every single moment. help me appreciate and acknowledge that it's all there for a reason, and that all things should and must point back to you.

had a great session with my kids this morning, and i'm sure it was heavy going, but i know what's tough would only make you stronger. we will grow together as we continue to learn from each other in the intellectual sparring that will take place as we study God's word =)

it's been.. long i guess? but then again, i don't think i owe anyone this, so here goes the random snippets of what's been happening, and what's been going through my mind.

--------------------------

caught batman and initial D in two weekends, both were ok.

been thinking or rather feeling alot about some stuff, but haven't really came to any conclusion, so that's it for now.

and i spent the day eating lunch and dinner at cartel. don't ask me why it happened, it just did.